Today's Random Musings

It is time for bed for me. Much too late!!

I had a long night in my class tonight. I guess I should explain that I am actually in college now, not just moved out. Its been great so far. So missed assignments, some crazy crunch times, some super crazy stress, but now, I am ok.

A friend posted this quote on Facebook and I simply had to post this on here. This is really how I feel these days....

There comes a time when u have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me...or leave me. Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I ...don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.

I had a great chat with my stepmom on the way home from class and she even helped me with my essay when I got home.

Class was crazy tonight!! Two hours of grammar=blah!! I hate grammar exercises and review, but I do suppose they are necessary. ICK!! We learned we have to have an entire book read in a month and then we will be writing a paper over it. We also learned we have a different essay to start work on this week. The prewriting is due next week and then the final is due in three weeks. I actually find that reasonable and doable.

I still need to get that book and my math online book. I have until the 27th to catch up on my math assignments I missed, however, I have to have the other english book well before then! I am going to call the lady in the morning about the paper I need to sign to release my scholarship money to me, and then within 3-5days of her recieving that signature, I will be able to access my money. Which means I will get all my money back for books and such. That will be wonderful!!

I have so much to say, but no energy to do that tonight. More homework and stuff with baby Greer tomorrow. Now I say goodnight ya'll. This southern gal is headed to dreamland!

Muah!!

Rebecca and Kendall Visit the Boro :)

My cousin Rebecca and her daughter came for a visit this past weekend. What a wonderful time we had. Jaime and I cleaned and such the night before and then on Saturday morning, my fabulous cousins arrived to see me! :) Now, they also needed to pick up a playhouse they had purchased, but had been meaning to stop in and see me. It was truly great to see them.

Once they arrived Sat morning, we had lunch at the apartment, got them settled in, and hung out for a bit. Then, around 3pm, we headed over to the Discovery Center in town. Since they were closing in two hours, they let us in for free! That was truly a blessing!! After we played there and showed little Kendall all there was to do, we all decided we simply HAD to go down the big slide that connects the two floors of the center. Even us big girls LOVED that part.

We then went to eat at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town and had a really awesome and yummy dinner. We decided to ride around and also to go to Walmart. We had so much fun just paroosing the premises and just goofing off. We also stopped and got some lottery tickets. None of us one, but it was still a lot of first time fun! :)

After the day's adventure, we came back to settle in . We all got in our pjs, and layed down to get baby girl Kendall to sleep. Once she was asleep around 930 or so, Jaime, Rebecca, and I went in the livingroom to hang out. We did not plan it, but ended up staying up till 2am! We had so much fun! It was great to have some girl time and just hang out.

The four of of us got up pretty early Sunday morning. We all hung out and took our time getting ready. We dropped Jaime off at her house, then went to Greenbrier to pick up the playhouse Rebecca bought. We got lost along the way, but still had fun. The wonderful day ended with the three of us having a yummy dinner at Cracker Barrel and then a walk around the apartment grounds.

All in all it was a great time spent with family. I love them so much and miss them sooo much. I cannot wait to see them again. I do hope to see them in a month or so, if not, it looks as though it will be Christmas time again before we all get together.

I'm just so full....

of emotions, energy, thoughts, and things to do.

So much is going on. Far too much to put in one posting and it all make sense. So, today I will begin posting several updates to explain everything in detail.

Today, I am missing class and my interview(see other posts) due to rain! ICK!! Rain just simply gets in my way. I do plan on emailing in my essay and I also sent an email informing my teacher that I will be absent.

One of my roommates, the one I have known for many years, her family's area of the county is completely flooding. Complete with the helicopter rescues and requested evacuations. Schools are shutting down and roads have been and/or are closing. This is a nasty time. I am ready for pretty fall weather, not this icky crap.

So on to the next topic I go....

Late Update

So it has been way too long since I have updated. I guess I will catch ya up today.

I have celebrated my bday, I got my tattoo, I moved into the apartment, and I got a second job. Life seems more complicated than ever, yet peaceful at the same time. The apartment is coming along very nicely. I love my roommates and it seems to be going very well with them too! :)

Tonight will be the first night at my new job. I am very very hesitant of this. I am taking another babysitting job, but it will be every Monday night, and I am still nannying Mon-Fri during the day and also babysitting on the weekends. I need to find something else to do! LOL But it is pretty easy money and something I do well. Mondays will be crazy for a while though. Heck, my life is gona be crazy. Monday I work 730-330, then 5-11. Tuesdays I work 730-330, hit the gym for a bit, then choir practice 630-8. Wednesdays I work 730-330, then go to Zumba and Yoga at the gym from 530-815. Thursdays I work 730-330, then hit the gym and run errands. Fridays I work 730-330 and have Zumba at 530-630. Saturdays I have Zumba class too, but I probably won't always go. Sundays I have choir at 8am then church and such and then to bed to rest to do it all over again. HAHA This should definately prove interesting. I am excited about it though.

We made my headboard for my bed and put that up. It looks super cute!! :) I got to go to Outback with my parents and friends for my birthday and that was awesome!! I had a great time!! :) I loved getting to see all my close friends. I also had a great cake!! It was made to look like a Tiffany box! :) It was adorable!! It also tasted yummy haha.


So this is a long post to update, but I also wanted to share some quotes and lyrics today.

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?
~Dr. Seuss

There are those, I know, who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American dream. ~Archibald MacLeish

Ours is the only country deliberately founded on a good idea. ~John Gunther

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. ~Cicero



and here is a song that I also like today....

Avenged Sevenfold- Crossroads


I've been traveling for so long
So lost till I stumbled upon
Two roads in front of me
I had to take my time

To the right I could see a church
I took a step in that direction first
But to the left there was a watering hole
Where they were whiskey drunk
And now that's where I wanna pray

So far down here just holding on

[Chorus:]
If I was perfect
Than this would be easy
Either road is plausible on both I could drown
I walk through the center
With no rules to guide me
I realize it's difficult
But now I can see

There's gotta be another way to go
a way that's much more feasible
A combination of all these lies
to set your path without choosing a side

I make decisions one at a time
And no, I never say I'm always right
I'm confident that when I stand on my own
You'll see the truest form of a man
when I'm shining through

So far down here just holding on

[Chorus]

Oh, I hear them now
All the religious rage

(Anger I see)
(Anger I see)
(Anger I see now)

The left isn't better
It's just more of the same.
Condemning all these people
For what they believe
I'll climb to the top of their mountain again
No one is going to save me this way
And the closer to the top I get the more they can aim
But I'm not you

I may not be perfect
But I've always been true
I may not be worthy in your eyes
Climb up from the bottom
For the last time
The last one, the last one,
The last time

[Chorus]

Sleepy Baby

Today is going to be a long day. I have a sleepy, kinda icky feeling baby boy today and then lots to do after work. I have to make my headboard for the new place and also pack for the trip for Bama. We leave tomorrow. So tomorrow, after work I have to run straight across town to the bank, then pick up Danielle so we can leave by 445. I hope to have us in Bama by 730 for dinner and a movie. We are going to see the Ugly Truth. I am sure I will blog a movie review after the weekend.

I am excited about making this new headboard. It is a project that I desperately needed to get finished. I think I will bring the picture frames with me tomorrow so that I can paint them while baby boy is sleeping at naptime. I need to get them all painted and ready for the new place. I need to make a total to do list for the next week so I make sure and get everything done in time to move.

I am sooo ready for some best friend time in Bama!! :)

Lots to do in the coming week, but oh so worth it!!

Where does one go from here?
How do you pick up and change everything you once knew? I was so sure of everything, but now I have my doubts. I still trust God is in control, but its less about if it will go as He plans, but how it will happen. I want to know how things are going to happen. I want to know if I am wasting my time and should be doing something else.

Well, I leave for Bama on Friday with the best friend :) I am sooo ready for this break. I don't want to be bothered by anything else either. I just want time with my friends and family. I am ready for my tattoo and to dye my hair. Its gonna be a good change. I think I will go get a second hole in my ear too. Lots of changes coming my way :) He can choose to be a part of it or not. Not much else I can do.

I love my job! This is truly a blessing :) I love it. I love having time for me while he sleeps, but getting to play mommy all day. Things will get a bit hectic whenever the other three boys are home all day on breaks from school, but I really don't think they will be that bad. They really are well behaved kids, just sometimes need some help focusing. I have also found another prospective job that one be one to two nights a week. It wouldnt be tons of money, but certainly would help with some extra money to spend each week for eating out and such. This income I have now will pay the bills, gas, and groceries, but doesn't leave much room for much else. I just want to be able to save and have money to spend on things I want and need. Things are going well financially and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I just simply wish that things would go a bit better in the relationship department. Eventually all will be ok.

Have a blessed day ya'll!!

So I have apparently fallen off this whole blogging bandwagon lately lol But I am back!! :)

Met my new roommate today and she seems really cool. Getting my first tattoo in exactly a week from today. I am soooo ready and soooo excited. We have a bunch of plans for my 18th bday and I am very very happy!!

Things seem to be going well at the new job. It is really an easy job. I feed him breakfast, we watch clifford then run around and play. Then its snack time and then down for a nap by 10am. He sleeps till one or later then we do lunch and play till I leave at 330. I love watching him and playing with him. He is going to be really fun to teach and watch grow up. I can tell the other three boys will be a handful when summer and other breaks are here, but what can ya do? They seem respectful, just happy little boys that need to be kept under control. Its gonna go fine. I just know it will.

I move in just under two weeks. :) Things are moving so fast. I never thought it would get here,it always seemed to drone on and on. Now, I will have a tattoo and darker hair in a week, my own apartment with two cool friends in less than 2 weeks, and I have a really fun and reliable job. I am also looking into some other extra jobs too, just for financial security. School seems to be put on hold, because it is taking a while to get my transcripts and SAT scores sent, so I am not sure that I will get to start in the fall. I hope to take some online classes, but I guess we will see if that will happen. I need it to happen.

The faster things move, the crazier they get, but I am learning to embrace all the changes and go along for the ride. I still have my moments where things are really hard to deal with, but I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends, a great job, a nice car, a good, albeit crazy, family, and now my own apartment. I need my ArmyBoy too though :(

I still really feel like this is the real deal with him, but I am also so scared. I get hurt everytime, and I have gotten hurt by him before. So, my decision isn't clear yet. I don't know what I am going to do. I do have some sort of interest in someone else, so I plan to hang out with them, and see where it leads. I truly feel like maybe Army Boy needs to make these decisions without me around and I need to see other people. I think we will both find in a few months that we need to be with each other. I know it is real, and I know he feels it too, but I know this will take time. Not sure where to go from here. I have to trust that God will take care of it all. He has proven that He is watching over me in all other areas, so why wouldn't He take care of me in this area of life?

Well, I need to get off for tonight. I will try to get back to a regular schedule of blogging again.

Goodnight

Fine Arts, Disney World and Daytona Beach

So here is my excuse for not posting. I was on my much needed trip to Orlando for Fine Arts, and though we were in the hotel at night and in the mornings, we were all so drained or rushing around to leave again, that I had no time to do much more than a FB update. So here I am again. Returned home, sun burnt and exhausted, from my trip yesterday evening. I did some tax free shopping with my cousin and had some yummy dinner.

The trip was awesome. I wasn't sure how it would go, considering I am not close to the people I went with and considering I was sick, and turns out got sicker lol

Here's the run down of the week. We drove to Macon, GA Sunday and spent the night there. Then we left bright and early Monday morning to arrive in Orlando at approximately 1pm (EST) for lunch, checkin at the hotel, walmart run, and then we had some time to get ready to go to the Opening Service and then ate a very very late (1030pm late) dinner at IHOP after service was over. We got up early Tuesday and went to compete, we had a quick lunch in the convention center, competed some more, ran all over the place to make it on time for everyone's competitions, and then went to the hotel to relax a but before having a yummy dinner at Olive Garden . We relaxed and swam at the pool and just had some fun. Wednesday, we had competitions, a nice lunch at Golden Corral and then went to compete some more, went to the hotel to ready for the service and then they went to service. I ended up staying at the hotel for Wed night service and late night dinner, cause I had some stomach bug and was pretty miserable. Thursday we got up and went to Disney World. We were there for 12 hours!! It was a great day, albeit hot and I was still a bit sick from various issues. I still smiled and had a good time though!! :) We all crashed as soon as we got back late Thursday night. Friday we were able to sleep in a bit, then we went to Daytona Beach. That was all fun till some of us, especially myself, realized how burnt we were, and then 30 mins before we were scheduled to leave, one of our guys broke his leg on his sand board. They took him to the hospital, got a cast and all that, then we headed back to Orlando. Poor guy was miserable. :( I was so burnt that night that I didn't go to service, and many others didn't go either. It was a good lazy night, but I did have a fever and the shakes from the sun burn. I managed though. We all got up at like 430 am and packed up and we left the Sunshine State about 6am (EST) and headed home. We stopped about every two hours, including breakfast and a yummy Mexican lunch in Macon, GA. Those of us in my van slept 80% of the way coming back home, so overall it went pretty fast for us. I think total driving time when you cut out time for lunch, breakfast, gas, and potty breaks, was only 9/9.5 hours or so. It wasn't a bad trip at all.

So there is my week people. I finish my last two days at my current nanny job tomorrow and tuesday, then Wednesday, I go to work for my new family as their nanny. It will be a sad, joyous, busy, and exciting week. I am making lots of new changes these next few weeks and months, but I am making them for me and noone else.

I am not sure where things stand with Army Boy or what will be, but I know what I can do to better myself.

Where do I begin tonight? Tonight is another really crappy night. I feel really icky, I haven't talked to him at all today and only briefly yesterday and I am not holding up too well. I also leave for Orlando in 13 hours and I have not started packing.ah!! I think I am going to sleep in, skip church, and pack for Orlando in the morning. I am just hurting so bad. I think I will make my packing list and sleep. I need sleep. The plan was to stay awake so I will sleep the whole way to Macon tomorrow, since I hate driving long distances, but that simply isn't going to happen. I think I will sleep until seven and then get up, pack, shower, clean, find my meds and such, and then meet them at the church at 130 to leave. I will take meds to knock me out and sleep that way. I just can't stay up any longer. It's killing me. So much for my new normal sleeping schedule.

My side is killing me thanks to this dang cyst...ugh....

I need to sleep now. I pray that I do and that I get everything done tomorrow. I am very excited for this trip, albeit a bit nervous,but oh well. I hope I am able to talk to him some while I am there. I don't know how much I will be online when he is, considering the odd times we are at the hotel, and when we are there, I usually head to bed.

Gah, I miss him so bad and I wanna know why he hasn't been on today. Please God let him be online tomorrow and email me. I need to talk to him.

goodnight

Meaningful Quotes

Today was a good day. Tomorrow I have to pay rent, cause I didn't have a chance to go today and its technically due tomorrow anyways. After I pay rent, I am going to Zumba with Katie! :) Sooooo happy to be working out again!! :) Gonna kick this cyst's butt and get healthy on my own!

I don't have much to say tonight. So, here are some meaningful quotes I thought ya'll might enjoy.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.
-- Helen Keller

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-- Groucho Marx

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.
-- Orlando A. Battista

You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.
-- Mary Tyler Moore

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly."
- Robert F. Kennedy

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.”
- Henry Ford

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
- Redd Foxx

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.
- Elizabeth Gilbert

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy
- Walter Anderson

((these last few about trust hit home for me in particular. I know from experience how difficult it is))

BUT this one I wish for all to read in depth, it is one I read and pondered on alongside my Senior English class. I encourage you to read more into the text this came from as well. There were many things I didn't enjoy that we read in that English class, but I learned so much from all the things I let in and was open to. Everything we read got a chance in my mind, even if it was only one chance and then was pushed aside. I ask, challenge, and encourage everyone to find new texts to read that are, in reality, old. I learned more about humanity from the old texts and quotes then I have from the new, because the old showed that, in their heart and souls, humans have been the same in every society all through the centuries. Read. Ponder. Experience. Challenge. THINK

''Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.''-Keats

Goodnight all.

Dr and My Job

So the doctor called yesterday. The news is not good, but I am not dying either. I will be fine, but knowing what it is isn't helping with the pain. It turns out that my thyroid is fine, but my vitamin D and B levels are really low and I have also developed an ovarian cyst on my right side. THAT was NOT the way I wanted my day to begin, but what can ya do? *Shrugs shoulders**

After I recieved that news, I went with my stepdad to get the materials to make my new headboard. Today, I need to get the batting and fabric and beads for it, but other than that, we got all the materials. I am soo excited to see how its going to turn out!! :)

I also got a chance to go eat a yummy dinner with my one of my best friends before my interview. We ate and went shopping, and it was wonderful! I love her to death and its been wayy too long since we had a Camino's night! :) Good times!!

Once I finished hanging out with her, I went to my final interview for the new nanny job, and guess what?!?!?!?! I GOT THE JOB!! :) I will finish nannying for the two kids I currently keep on the 11th and then I will begin the new job on the 17th!! I am going to be very sad to not be seeing my current kiddos so often, but I will still see them I have been assured. It worked out perfectly, because their mom recieved a new position as a Breast Cancer Specialist at the hospital, allowing her to help sooo many people and to be home more with her kids. I don't feel so bad for changing jobs now that I know they will be with their mom and not some stranger!! :)

God is really working some great things in my life!! I can't possibly thank Him enough! Even when I am in pain and sick, God is working on other things. He knew just how to take my mind off of the pain yesterday.

Today I go to make my first rent payment!! Go me!! LOL I feel like a big girl!!

My birthday weekend is all set, and so is my health regime that is coming up. I have a whole new "Healthy Me" plan to start and I am actually excited about it. I look forward to my classes at the gym and my yoga time here at the house. I look forward to eating better and feeling better!

I plan to gradually cut things out this weekend and next week on my trip, then completely restrict everything for the week following my trip. After that week, I will slowly add more complex foods back into my diet. While watching my calorie and fat intake, I will be focusing mainly on my vitamins, yoga, and working out. My "reward" will be my birthday weekend.

My birthday weekend is going to be amazing!! :) Thursday I move into the apartment then out to dinner at Outback with some amazing friends and family. Then, Friday, after Danielle and I get off work at three, we are heading to Bama to have some girl time!! :) Friday night were eating dinner and going out to the Sundance Saloon to ride the bull and have some fun with Katie, Dayle, Mary Ann, and hopefully, Rebecca. Gonna be a great night, complete with riding the bull in cowboy boots!! Woohoo!! Lots of pics will be taken of that for sure! LOL Saturday morning we're going to get mine and Katie's tattoos and then Danielle and I are getting our hair done after that. We plan to go out to eat at Ricatoni's-my favorite place to eat down there, and just have some silly fun. Sunday I want to go see my Grandpa and spend some time out in nature. I want to take lots of pictures. I will be taking LOTS of pictures the whole weekend. We're coming home Sunday in time to get some rest before we both head back to work on Monday morning. I am soooo excited. It's been a while since Danielle and I have been to Bama, and its a much needed trip. We both need a break. I was a bit worried how my 18th birthday would work out, but it seems it will be quite the birthday! :)

When I come home from that weekend, Nikki and I are going to the horse show in Shelbyville as we have for the last few years lol Gonna be a fun time!! :)

I better get off of here and get some lunch and start getting ready. I have a lot to do today!

Live Daily

Why do we all settle for mediocre?? Why do we allow things to be set in stone and unchanging??
Why do many of us never strive for something because someone tells us we can't possible reach our goals?? It seems I am thinking about this a lot lately. I know I am at a point in life where I am considered to be too dreamy and impractical; where it seems we think we can do anything. However, I must ask, why do we let life's obstacles interfere with our belief that we can do anything, and for those of us smart enough to realize, that we can do anything with God on our side? Why do we allow ourselves to be pushed down, stomped on, and forget all we know in Him?

I am finding myself in a constant state of feeling like all I do is dream. I am sick of dreaming and I am ready for things to happen. However, I must take my dreaming and planning and throw them out the window. I need to let God take control, which I admit, for someone as OCD and controlling as I am, is very very difficult.

Today is going to be a very busy day, but first I will say how thankful I am for yesterday and all it entails. I was blessed enough yesterday to receive an Oovoo video call from a great guy friend, Tony, who is stationed in Iraq right now. I think I took advantage of seeing him so much before he left, and I miss him sooo much right now. It was sooo nice to see his smiling face and hear him too! It was MUCH better than a FB chat session like we normally have. I love him like a big brother, and I cannot wait till he is home and back partyin and hangin out with us all! Please keep him in your prayers, for things are quite difficult at the moment.

So....back to today. It is going to be one heck of a day, and tomorrow even more so. Today I am nannying of course, but I am also going to be making some packing lists, going to the bank, church, fine arts meeting, and tryin to do something special for the kiddos on their last day of summer with me. I can't believe its over already! This summer is almost over, yet it feels like it just began. Tomorrow I have rehearsal, packing, planning, errands, going to the gym, and my second interview for this new nanny position. Let us pray I get the job tomorrow! I need to start it as soon as possible.

Tomorrow night I also plan to begin my 30 day habit training to beginning a normal sleep pattern that works for me consistently. If I get this new job, it will be a 730-3, normal, everyday, and consistent job and I need to be prepared. I need to be prepared to be working on online classes and taking care of an 18month old little boy, along with going to other evening classes after work. I will have a crazy day nearly everyday of my life, as I may also continue keeping the kids I currently nanny for a few days a week after school, if it works out. I really hope that is possible.

I am trusting God will have His way in my life with Army Boy, moving out, working, and school. I am trusting Him with my entire life.

Have a blessed day!

Cute Stuff and the Doctor

Today has been a long one, and I definitely ready for bed!

Mom and I went to my dr appointment for the ultrasound, grabbed some yummy and much needed lunch at Panera since I couldn't eat for 12 hours before the ultrasound, and then went shopping. We got a lot of cute and practical things for the apartment. I am really excited!! :)

I still do not feel well, but hopefully these tests will answer some questions. I am going to cook some dinner, maybe go for a walk, and then head to bed. I am calling it an early night, mainly because I am hurting and exhausted, but also because I have to work in the morning.

I work tomorrow and wednesday, rehearsal and interview on thursday, then shopping and lunch with Nikki Friday. She is also gonna spend the night and were going to watch movies and have some much needed girl time!! :) I am very excited!! Saturday I will hopefully be babysitting and doing all my packing for Orland09!! :)

We leave Sunday and I am sooo ready but sooo not prepared packing wise lol I still need to go to the bank, finish laundry, and pack all my stuff.

Tomorrow in between taking care of the kids, I will be making all my many lists for everything I need to pack and do and all that mess.

Sooooo looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight. Army Boy would be so proud. Haha!!

:D

*Goodnight*

Pain

This pain in my stomach is no fun. I have missed yet another Sunday morning, and I also called out of work Friday night. So, for those that think I am simply skipping out on church, you are wrong!

I am going to find some medicine to take, and I do hope it helps, because like it or not, I have rehearsal at four and then the show at six, and well, I kinda can't miss it. I am praying God takes the pain away. I have an ultrasound in the morning and also an interview tomorrow. I also have my final interview for the new nanny position I want. I do hope it is in God's will and I get it, because I really need this job. It appears to be a blessing straight from God's hands. I cannot wait to meet the kids and hopefully bond with them in a way that will enable me to get this position.

I also need to pack for Orland09! We leave a week from today :) I do hope I am in less pain, and I am praying and believing God is going to fix these issues.

This week is going to be a busy one, and depending on how I feel, I may add hitting the gym three or four times to my list of madness. This will be a trying week, but I know I can make it! I can't believe that Nikki and I move into our new apartment in just 31 days!! :) So exciting, yet also a bit scary. I am trusting in God that everything is going to play out the way it is meant to. I am also praying God's will in the situation with Army Boy. I do believe this situation has made us closer, and I think it is all going to work out when he returns home to the States. It is so trying and stressful right now, but I am working on my faith to carry me through.

Off to take some medicine and try to get some things accomplished today. Wish me luck!!

Failure

You know those days where you just want to crawl in bed and not come out? Where you feel like everything you say gets you into yet another argument and you don't seem to have the right words to help anyone? Where you feel so overwhelmed by all you need to accomplish, and feel there just isnt enough time or money? Where you feel like true happiness may never come and you are sick of waiting? Where you just can't seem to find yourself? Where you feel like you aren't being faithful and trusting in God as you know you should be?

These are all great descriptions of how my life is going today. I just can't seem to come out on top! I am praying and trying to trust God, but somedays, some days it is just really difficult.

I should find out by the end of this coming week, or the beginning of the next one if I get my new job, and hopefully, if I get it, I will begin work the following week. I am very excited about this opportunity. If I get this job, it will be enough money to tithe, pay rent, put some in savings, and live day to day with some fun. I think it is going to work out, and I keep praying it does.

I am trying to follow God's lead and just go with the flow of things.

This next month will be insane, but I am going to try to find some fun in the mix of it all too!! :)

Have a blessed day!!

Cleaning and Packing

So today I have been way too lazy. It is 7pm and I feel I have accomplished almost nothing. I have a super super super super long list of things to accomplish in just a month, with me being gone six days of that month's time. I have a car full of things for the new apartment and a garage that is prolly half full of my crap. Tomorrow morning is the yard sale. I still need to post the signs. Ugh!! I am trying to plan out things and get them all accomplished, but it is very overwhelming. I have some fun projects to do, but I also have nights like tonight, in which I need to clean the whole house from top to bottom, and also finish preparing for the yard sale. Tonight will be another all-nighter-hopefully I will get some things accomplished in all this time!!

Things just keep getting better and better in the relationship corner, though I will admit I am still very very scared and hesitant. I am not so used to things going well, so I am having a bit of a hard time adjusting to this new found "goodness" in my life. I know God is working in His time and in His manner, and I am doing my best to begin to really trust in Him and His will. Things are going pretty well so far. We communicate better than ever-both army boy and I and God and I.

I am such a type-A, OCD, list maker, that all of this should be fun for me-the organizing, shopping, planning, cleaning, packing, list making, yada yada. It should be fun for me, but I am not finding it so fun. I need to cook dinner still, but don't feel I have the time really. I was hoping to hit the gym too today. Oh well. I haven't been able to get ahold of my cousin who is "supposed" to be coming over, so who knows what is up with that.

Okay, Okay. I need to stop this blogging and facebooking and get back to work! Lots to do tonight. Wish me luck!!

I'm Gonna Be Ready This Time

Today has been interesting. I applied for another nanny position and now I have a phone interview in ten minutes or so. I am excited. The kids go back to school soon and I need something else. I also have another blessing to count, some unknown source paid over 300 dollars that was left of my Orlando Competition trip in two weeks. I honestly didn't know where the money would come from on such short notice. God knew I didn't really have three hundred for that, four hundred for rent on the first, and spending money for the trip-well not and have any money left over. God is truly taking care of me. I have many blessings and though life is not perfect, I am trying to be content with how life is at the moment.

Things also just seem to be getting more and more interesting with Army Boy as well. With everything that has happened, he is amazed I am still talking to him and still so close to him. I will admit I am amazed too. This is not typical behavior for me. Like I keep saying and believing, this is a God thing. I just know it. He has a few hard decisions to make, and I keep praying that he will make the right choice for all of us. I just have to keep praying.

Things are looking up and God is taking care of me, He is taking care of us all.

Off to call for my phone interview. Wish me luck!!

I need a hair cut, and BAD!! I also need my eyebrows waxed and I need my nails and toenails redone! I can do the nails and toes myself, but not the other two lol So I think it is high time for some girly me time!!

I am still very sick and worn down, and doctors still do not know what is wrong with me. I will be going to yet another doctor's appointment next week. So, until they can tell me what is wrong, I will be trying to continue on with life. I only have so much energy each day, and I have to spend a great deal of my time in bed, but at least I am able to get up and do a few things each day. I think I am also going to be hitting the gym again as well, though I will be taking it very easy of course. I know I should be taking it easier than I am, but I absolutely cannot stand to be laying around in thi messy house!

Tonight, although I am out of energy, I am going to clean my room, do some laundry and make a few lists. Tomorrow I am going to tackle the bathroom, calling the college about my classes and make an appointment, calling the AI and canceling all of that mess, pick out pictures for framing, more laundry, sweep up the kitchen, vacuum a bit, make some calls about a few jobs, get yard sale items in order, mow the yard, and then have some "me time" and relax! It will be a very hectic day, but very needed! I am sitting in my messy room, looking around, and it is literally driving me crazy!! I cannot take this crazyness!! I work friday, monday and tuesday, then I will rest, but until all this is done, and I have my yard sale, I cannot rest! I am going nuts!!

Wish me luck that I will get all of this mess done and still have some amount of energy.

OOH!! I almost forgot my most imprtant update!! I now have my apartment!! :D I am sooo sooo ready!! I will be sharing it with two other girls, but I am sooo excited!! :) I found really cute stuff to decorate with today, and will find more over the next few weeks I am sure!!

Time to fold some laundry, make some lists, and do a bit of cleanin!! Night!!

Illness overbearing

Again, I was doing so great with blogging everyday, then I slacked off :( oh well. Time for some updates I suppose....

I will begin with my current predicament. I somehow have Mono and my chronic bronchitis is acting up again-luckily, only mildly at this point. I wasn't going to go to the dr, but thanks to Raymond, I did. It is a good thing too, cause with mono, I can't be going to the gym, lifting heavy things or anything like that. For now I am still babysitting, going to rehearsal and today's family gathering, but I am not working this coming week, nor am I really doing a whole lot of anything this coming week. I am going to gradually get my room clean and all my laundry done, but I am spacing that out over the entire week, so that I do not get too worn out or risk damaging my spleen due to heavy lifting. I really don't like having this mess cause I like to be up and going and that's not possible with this crap.

Also, since we are midway through the summer, I decided to relist my goals and see where I stand. I know just from looking at it that I need to do some work lol So here we go:

-blog daily**okay, okay, so I kinda have been doing this lol**
-connect with other bloggers
-begin a journal and journal daily
-read, criticize, and post about 30 books(fiction and non-fiction)**this number changed to 20**
-loose 20 pounds and get toned
-finally be at and maintain a healthy weight
-find a new, well-paying job
-travel to California**This trip was cancelled due to illness**
-travel to see my best friend since 2nd grade-Christina
-have a "Me Day" once every two weeks
-catch up with old friends and truly make a connection
-register for classes at Motlow
-make a "Moving Out" list
-move into new apartment
-hold yard sale
-try belly dancing classes
-sell books back to Hastings
-enter a photo contest
-try at least 6 new things
-have another photo shoot
-take more pictures
-write creatively, daily
-get new phone and contract in June
-make 10 new pieces of jewelry

--Items highlighted in blue are items I have completed--

So as we can see, I need to get motivated and begin to get more accomplished.
This will be fairly short today, due to me resting and trying to get ready for the long day ahead.
Have a good day all!!

Apple Juice and Pizza Rolls

So here it is 11:15pm and I am just now eatin my dinner of pizza rolls and apple juice! LOL I am so silly, I know. My eating and sleeping schedules are still very weird. I apparently made mister army boy by me not going to the doctor for some issues and for not sleeping well. He thinks I have made myself this way and that I can't take care of a family if I don't take care of myself. However, Danie and I talked about this and decided that it is easier for a woman to seperate her needs from that of a family, where as a man's logic is that they go hand-in-hand. And, as much I hate to admit it, the guys have something there. We do need to stop neglecting ourselves a women and realize that we must take care of ourselves in order to efficently raise our families and care for our friends, but you know, I believe many of us start this self-neglecting early in our adulthood and rarely grow out of it. I am making a goal to change that for myself, so that is going on my list for the summer. I am already making small changes to incorporate "me time" and have also made a dr appointment for Friday. I am still going to work these two days, but I will take it easy and rest mostly. Hopefully I will be up to hitting the gym Monday with Katie and hitting it extra hard on Thursday at kickboxing as well. I would like to go to kickboxing this Thursday with Katie like we plan, but I am not sure I will yet. It is going to be a long rest of the week.

Tonight I need to somehow sleep without oversleping for work. Tomorrow, I nanny and am taking the kids to church. Thursday, I also nanny and would like to take them on another fun day, but idk if that will happen or not. Friday I am going to the Dr, going to talk to people at Motlow, and then resting. Saturday I am helping my aunt and taking my cousins to the pool at 10am-that should be interesting but fun! I know I will have lots of pics! :) I am soo happy my cousins are back and close to us now!! :):) Saturday night I know I will want to go out, but I will honestly probably just watch a movie or read and relax. I am reserving that night for a light workout and some good ol me time and baking!! :) Sunday will be a long, but very happy day. I have choir rehearsal at 8am then 1st service at 830, then Sunday School at 10, then sing 2nd serive at 11, then headin to my Nana's house for a family gathering-all the aunts, uncles, greats, and cousins :) Nana is makin a yummy lunch and after I eat and visit and take lots of pics with all of them about 3ish, I am heading back to the church for one of my last final Fine Arts practices ever! I am both happy and sad about this being my last chance this year. :/ After a very long day, I believe I am staying for church at 6pm, then watchin Army Wives, eatin dinner, and havin some sunday night girl time with Danie :):) I love those sunday nights!! They are very good for us. We talk about a lot, and just have some plain ol fun! :)

I think I may go visit my Dad Tuesday-Thursday and also try to see my cousin and also my aunt and uncle! I am going to try and take advantage of my time off work next week and just relax, but see some family.

Things look so busy when I have them all written out like this! lol But they are all things that must happen for me to survive lol I need to call about a few job possibilities too! Things must always be forever adding themselves to my to-do list lol Oh well, that is life! C'est La Vie!!

Tony went back to Iraq today :( I am so sad I only got to see him for a few hours last friday, that was not NEAR enough!! :( I miss him so much. I miss all the fun times and the serious ones. I miss that big brother of mine-though he may not technically be related to me, he might as well be!

I am also working on being more positive, I know I need to be. It is so hard. I feel like I am trying, but can't reach the top for some air. Idk what is wrong with me, but I want it fixed, and I believe at this point, only God can fix it! I am trusting in Him, but struggling, but trying oh so hard!

Goodnight all! Time to clean and such before I lay down to watch a movie and relax until work in about six hours!

BOOK REVIEW: 13 Little Blue Envelopes

13 Little Blue Envelopes- Maureen Johnson

This was a truly fascinating book. In the beginning I must admit it is a bit boring, however the storyline quickly progresses and one feels herself being drawn to the characters and even rooting for them at times. I love this book for many reasons. It is extremely well-written and has a plot unlike any other I have ever read. A young girl who was highly attached to her struggling artist aunt is faced with a challenge when her aunt passes away. She receives specific instructions for a summer-long, life-changing journey around Europe in these 13 Little Blue Envelopes. She meets several interesting characters along the way, finds her true sense of self, and discovers a few family secrets as well. The story ends in a typical novelist way, meaning the reader is left to ponder and imagine what happens after the book ends.

I hurt all over

Today, or rather since it is almost 4am, yesterday was interesting. I cannot really say it was jam-packed with fun, cause it certainly wasn't . I did see my two best friends though and that made me smile :)) It wasn't a bad day, just a long one with not a whole lot of fun action ya know what I mean? It is close to 4am and I have not been to bed yet, and surprise surprise, I do not plan to either! lol I have to get some cleaning done, then do some ab workouts, go jogging/walking at sunrise, wash some clothes in the mean time, and then shower and get ready for church at 8am. Church does not actually start till 830, but we have choir rehearsal at 8am, so I have to be there for that! I am really liking being back in choir, though it is certainly an adjustment for me.
After my long morning, I have an even longer day. I need to clean my car out before church, then after church, I need to run to walmart to return some items, return some clothes at various other places, and head to the gym for about an hour and a half or so. After all of that I finally get a nap, before heading to pick up some dinner and head to Danie's for a late dinner and our typical Sunday night of dinner and Army Wives and girl talk! Gotta love it!! :) I love spending time with my Danie:)
I guess I should finish this up and get some cleaning done. Goodnight/Good morning!!

Exhausted Beyond Belief

I have had such an erratic sleep schedule the past week or so and it is finally creeping up on me and dragging me down. It is now close to midnight and I am babysitting and have been here since 5pm. I should get to leave in about a half hour. Thank goodness!! I really really do love babysitting and wish it was consistent enough to live off of, so I could just do this, nanny, and go to school in the fall and be able to support myself. Everything is looming over me these days and I just don't know what to do. I want to go to the Art Institute, but I am scared about the job prospects following my graduation. I am also about to be in a lot of debt. I wonder if I should just go to Motlow for free instead and maybe change my mind late? I really don't know. I need to get a response from God on this. I feel so conflicted.

And on top of feeling conflicted, I constantly feel gloomy and mad lately, and that is quite frankly pissing me off! I need to get happy again and be as normal as possible! I am sick and tired of being so sick and tired and pissed off all the time. I am sick of being so moody and crazy! I am now making yet another goal for the summer, and that is to make a conscious effort to be positive each day. Maybe I need to fake it till I make it. "Faking it, till I'm pseudo-making it." as the song says.

I am very impatient and skeptical, but I am trying to trust God for my answers.
Goodnight.

BOOK REVIEW: Look For Alaska

Looking for Alaska-John Green

This was an absolutely wonderful book! I loved reading every minute of it!
The book takes place in central Alabama at a small, private school. Some kids are rich, and as we find out, some are far from that. Green has written the book from the perspective of the main character, Miles, or "Pudge" as he is ironically nicknamed. Miles comes from a respectable background, however he almost had no friends at his old school, so this new life is something completely odd to him. At "the Creek" he makes several close friends and together they experience many trials and triumphs.
When reading this book, one cannot help but to notice the complexities behind all of the main characters, and cannot help but to feel for them all. Together, these four friends experience the troubles of common teens, along with a few more extremes. This novel brings to light some of the many problems and experiences that teenagers experience every day in this country, and really, around the world.
When something devastating happens, the friends learn they must stick together and put aside previous trials in order to survive.
This book is truly marvelously written and is funny, enlightening, and intriguing. I recommend everyone read this book for simply the message of life and friendship it holds, but also for the many other aspects that one can find when delving deeper into the story.

I just don't feel I have much energy to write at this point. I did not sleep well last night and I am not sleeping at all tonight. I have to be at my nanny job in five hours and then I can sleep a few hours. :)
Tomorrow/today, whatever, is going to be a long one. I will be operating on no sleep and the kids and I have errands to run. We are going to the library, gonna play in the water for a while, gotta get my tags renewed, gotta run to the bank, gotta do some reading time, and gotta go to Choir rehearsal at 630 and I will still have the kids. Gonna be such a lonnngggg day!
Somehow, with all this on my mind, I have to find a way to function and take care of the kids and find another job.
And, here it is 115 in the morning and I'm hungry! Grr!! I need to sleep, but its too late now, and I need to eat, but nothing sounds good.
I am in a really odd mood. I can't get out of it. I feel like I never truly laugh anymore, and that's sad. I miss the happy me that was always having fun. I miss true happiness. The situations I am dealing with are so very challenging, and while I am praying and believing everyday for clarity and peace, its still very hard to deal with it all.
In one situation, I cannot help but want to blame myself, though he assures me it is all his fault, but I should have been able to keep him happy. I know I sound crazy, but its all true. I can't help it. I can't help but feel this way. I miss him desperately.

Too tired for writing, but there's so much more to this story....

Someone please explain how when something goes this wrong, one can still love another?
Someone please explain how when one find herself in such a confusing time, she can still find the courage and strength to smile?
Someone please explain why God chooses to tell us the one we love, without telling us when the right time will be?
Someone please explain why God is so clear but yet so confusing all at one time?


These are my questions tonight, as I lay awake here unable to truly rest. I have a very long day in the morning, full of errands and cleaning. I need to sleep, but he has my heart, and that hole keeps me awake at night. I cannot comprehend why God would allow a man to think this way and yet be so sad and devastated by his actions. I guess when that happens, those are true mistakes. The question at this point though, is will he make the right choice and want to be with me? God holds the ultimate plan, however, we do have free will.

Last Night Was A Bit Crazy

Last night was a great night, albeit a bit crazy and a bit emotional. Tony did have a breakdown, but so did I-for two TOTALLY different reasons. His wife made me mad, tryin to tell me that I am never happy there and that maybe I should quit coming out there with everybody. I don't think so! I was a part of that family before she even moved here! I will not be forced away by her. I was not trying to get with her husband, but that doesnt even seem to be what she was worried about. I swear she needs to get more secure in her relationship with him and everyone else though. I got news for her, I am not gonna be treated the way she treats everyone. She is your best friend one minute, then talkin about you the next. Come on, she is 21, it's time to grow up! I am a very real person and I don't like fake people. If she just flat out hated me, and was only polite to me, then I could handle that. I really don't care. I have never done anything to her, and so I don't deserve it!

I cannot stand the way she treats him and the things she does to the rest of us. She needs to grow up and start acting like a grown woman. He deserves much more than her, and I can't stand seeing my "big brother" being affected the way he is. He kept telling me that I came first and all that and I can't stand hearing that cause she would flip out and I know he is hurting. He kept tellin me that I'm one of the few who actually talk to him while he is over there. That makes me so sad. God, I love him so much and I miss my big brother. I don't want to send him back! I know he will be home only three months or so after he goes back, but that is too long! I have been sad about him being gone, but have done pretty good at just keeping up with him and not thinking about it, but now seeing him face to face, I just can't block it out. I know God will bring him back to us safe and sound, but I just can't take it. I miss him so much. I miss the talks we used to have, and I can't even have those with him while he is here, cause he won't talk while she is around, and she pops up everytime we start talking. He needs a bit of space and time with family and close friends, and she is not secure enough apparently to give that to him. I don't know what she thinks of me, but she does not know me well if she thinks I care about him as more than a brother. He is my brother and we are family. That is where it ends and begins. I have been around longer than she has, and if anything was going to happen, it would have already happened with us. I just want to be able to sit and talk with him. It makes me sad to think I may not get the chance to really talk with him. And you know, she may not like it but his mom already told me I am family and I better be there the 4th of July with them, so I will be there. She can get over it. She really needs to come to terms with me being family, and get over it.

Well, today I need to get to the gym, get my eyebrows done, and then shower, run errands, and head to Smyrna to work the Fine Arts Fireworks Tent. Gotta make that money!! lol

Oh! And I now have a gym buddy two days a week now!! Woohoo!! She also nannies and so we're gonna take our kids places together too this summer!! :)

LONG DAY

Today has been a very very long day.
I did go set up the fireworks tent for four hours and that was A LOT of work! And it was very hot! But that wasn't all bad. I had fun with some of the people there and it was all pretty relaxed, except Mr. Brian not trusting me with the knife lol oh well.
However, after that I then babysat tonight from 5-11. ugh. It would not have been so bad if I had been able to eat since 2pm today lol I could have dealt with the rowdy boys and ear infection plagued one year old with a smile, had I eaten lol Oh well.
The day is done. I believe I am hanging out with Alex tomorrow and then going to the amazing bonfire at Pa's with my favoritest Tony!! I am soo happy to get to see him!! woohoo!!

I am beat!
Goodnight!!

SO........I am upset cause I realized I left my book I was almost done with at the kids' house that I nanny for. :( So now I have to wait until Tuesday to read it :( But, I know I will be finished with it by the end of the day :):) I can't wait to read it all!

Today was pretty good. I went and saw The Proposal with Danie and it was GREAT! lol I love those kind of movies. Although, I love lots of movies, as watching the previews proved haha I kept tellin Danie I wanted to see "that movie" each time a new preview came up lol oh well, what can I say, I love movies, but I rarely go pay to see them. : /

I think I am going to start a new book tonight. Once I finish these two, I promise I will get to my goal and post reviews for all three of them.

Tomorrow will be a busy, but good day. I have to be up at 830 to shower and then be at the Fireworks stand to set up by 10am. Then after that I need to run some errands-take clothes back, wax eyebrows, go to the bank, etc. Once my errands are done, it's off to the gym!! :) After I head to the gym I am coming home to clean this nasty house! It is gross! My room needs to be picked up and vacuumed, the livingroom and hallways need vacuumed, the kitchen needs swept and mopped, dishes need to be done, my bathroom needs to be completely cleaned top to bottom, and I need to do a bit of laundry too! Wooh! Gonna be a lot to do tomorrow evening, but that's ok, it will be well worth it to have a clean house and be able to relax. Friday I am gonna hit the gym, maybe grab lunch with a friend, but overall, just relax till I head out to Pa's for the Bonfire for Tony :):) I am sooo happy I chose to stay home from Cali and be here to see him!

I am really beginning to put my priorities in order and that is actually making me VERY happy! I like order, or at least organized chaos lol so it's a good thing to me to be able to finally put some things together in my life. I kinda have a plan now for the future, all I need now is to sign all the paperwork and get a new job!

As I write this, I am beginning to see the numerous things that need to be added to my to-do list lol I need to call several places about some jobs, put in some applications, and do all the other things I listed above! Gosh, gonna be a long day tomorrow! But again, WELL WORTH IT!!

I am so moody these days-more than normal. I wish my moods were more....stable. But they are just not, so I am just trying to cope with being so darn Bipolar. It is really frustrating to deal with being soo....idk what the word even is, but anyone who deals with me on a regular basis understands I am sure! lol

Ew!! looking at all this stuff in my room makes me ancy!! I have to clean tomorrow! I just have to! There's no getting out of it. This is driving me nuts!! I am such a bipolar freak sometimes about everything....lol

I think I may tackle cleaning out my trunk, scheduling my yard sale, and washing the outside of my car tomorrow too!! lol I am nuts to think all this will get done, but it needs to be done, so it shall go on my ever-growing list lol

OK. I need to go finish some laundry, read a bit, and head to bed. Long day ahead.

Goodnight!!

Another sick tummy night....

I am sick to my tummy again. I haven't actually gotten sick, but I feel icky. I feel very icky. My stomach has been so crazy lately. I don't know what to think now. I mean, obviously, I know I am not pregnant, but sheeesh! This is getting annoying! If it is stress causing all these crazy symptoms, then I need them to go away so I can get a bit less stressed.

I am trying to trust God with all this, but it is just so hard. I feel like I am done talking. I don't know what else there is to say. I guess there really isn't. Why didn't anyone want to talk when the things happened so I would have them then? They all want to "be there" for me now, and want to talk to me, but I am just done talking. Nothing else I say can do anything anymore. I am just so done with being unhappy and sick or hurting all the time.

I also feel grief for the loss of a family friend's baby. She was expecting again, after loosing twins at less than four months, and she was so excited. Just as I get to the point where I feel I am trusting in the Lord, something else baffling happens. I JUST DONT GET IT!! These are loving people who care for their children and love the Lord. How can He do this to them?? I mean, honestly, if more children just aren't in God's will, then why allow to get pregnant TWICE so quickly?? She was just recovering emotionally and physically from the loss of the twins, and now this. Like seriously, I dont' get why they must suffer more like this!!

Needless to say, besides my stomach being all weird, everything with my own life, that of my dad's health, and the situation with the army boy, I am irritated with God. I love God and believe in Him, but I am just flat out frustrated and just need some answers!


I can no longer think to write tonight....bed time here I come!

Long Days

I leave for California in a day and a half- I am not packed yet. People say, "Awe, that's ok you can do it tomorrow," however I have not even gotten the suitcases down out of the hall closet yet. I also have to nanny tomorrow all day from 630am till 8pm. I am wayyy behind on packing, but I just don't feel like doing it. I have no energy to do it. It is a lot of work to do, but I will just have to do it all tomorrow night. I don't like the idea that I will be doing it tomorrow at 9pm when I have to leave the house at 9am but, I can sleep on the 5hr flight as well. It won't be so bad I guess.

I had a good time visiting with my dad, though my little brother is having some behavior issues. That is way too long of a story to explain on here.

I am so confused and tired and just stressed today. But that is everyday I guess, so why have I not learned to deal with it?

Happy Father's Day!!

It is 645am and I have not been to bed yet. It is going to be a looonnnggg Father's Day. Hmmm

I am gonna finish getting ready for church, then pack an overnight bag for Dad's, grab a bite to eat, head to church to sing, then head to see my Daddy! It is going to be a hot day and a really boring drive. At not even 7am it is already 80 degrees outside...ugh!!

I hope Daddy is surprised by me coming. I hope today goes well. I seem to be in a good mood, or at least an okay, hopeful mood, which is a lot as it is.

The review on the book I just finished is coming. I will probably wait another day or so and post it and the current book I am reading's review. This book I started only a few hours ago, but have made it about half way through already, is amazing!!

Off to church and such I go. It feels good to be back singing again. :):)

I accomplished nothing today...but everything at the same time....

I woke up at 1pm today feeling worthless and as if I had not accomplished anything at all. And, truthfully, I have not accomplished anything on my list today, other than workout at the gym and swim with Danie. I am okay with that now though. I am learning to relax. I will have to pack completely on Monday, which I was hoping to avoid, however, c'est la vie. That is life. Things are not in my control and God is truly showing me that.

I truly believe God has a plan for me. And back to the Jeremiah scripture, I know His plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me. I must learn to relinquish control unto Him. I am convince the war has affected this person I truly care/cared for. It is so scary to know the war has scarred him so severely. I hate the situation I am in with him. I want so badly for him to be okay, and that mean okay without me if that is God's plan. I can't take the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario we seem to be in. He truly seems to have two completely different personalities. I am consumed with the thoughts of him and how he hurt me and how he did all that with her while with me. I have not yet gotten past that, but I know someday I will move on.

I know this is a hard situation for my friends to relate to, but it infuriates me to no end when no one gets it to be there for me. I am beginning to think now that this whole situation is God's way of saying "there! you should have been closer to me, and this wouldn't have happened." I almost feel as if God is punishing me and putting me in a situation in which I have truly hit rock bottom and have no choice but to rely on Him. I know I should be very close to God, much closer than I currently am, however I am truly just broken. I cannot pick up the pieces on my own, I need His help. Only He can provide the help I need in these hours. I will not be getting any sleep tonight and that pains me, but I guess that is my own fault anyways. I want so badly to sleep, but I know I will not get up on time for church and then drive to Bama. Plus, I am pretty sure those thoughts will flood me again, as they often do now. These thoughts and images of everything that has happened consume my mind and do not let me sleep.

Today, was a pretty good day overall, even with not accomplishing much. I went to swim with Danie, then we both needed to go to Walmart, so we decided to up and go. While there I was texting Alex and he decided to show up. That was fun. We all stood there talking for like two hours. I really am glad he is back in my life as my friend. Facebook truly is a blessing and is reunitintg me with so many friends and family of the past.

I need to go read and actually post my next book review, which I failed to do last night : /
Tonight, I am starting reading "Don't Let Go"- David W. Pierce. I think this will be an amazing book and I am excited to read Chonda's husband's book.

Tomorrow, or techinically, Today, I will be heading to church to sing in the choir for the first time in a very long time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am bound and determined to rededicate myself to singing and praising God as I used to do. I am bombarded by things I want to do, things I need to do, and the general stresses of life. I have so much on my mind, and its driving me crazy, but I KNOW somehow I will survive and thrive. I love God, and He loves me, so why should I be afraid? I am in no way saying things are all okay, because they are far from being okay. I still worry about my Dad in sooo many ways, the situation of me moving out and working is so messed up, I am still not talking with Jaime right now, and I am still so hurt by this whole situation with him. However, somehow I am now trusting in God that I will make it through all of this and somehow come out stronger than ever.

*Goodnight All*

Maybe this works...sorry the thing is messed up!!

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually.
I know I will.Other people have made it through much worse things
 and so I can make it through this rough time I am having. I know it's
truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!

How To Deal Today??

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually. I know I will.
Other people have made it through much worse things and so I can make it 
through this rough time I am having. I know it's truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!