I woke up at 1pm today feeling worthless and as if I had not accomplished anything at all. And, truthfully, I have not accomplished anything on my list today, other than workout at the gym and swim with Danie. I am okay with that now though. I am learning to relax. I will have to pack completely on Monday, which I was hoping to avoid, however, c'est la vie. That is life. Things are not in my control and God is truly showing me that.
I truly believe God has a plan for me. And back to the Jeremiah scripture, I know His plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me. I must learn to relinquish control unto Him. I am convince the war has affected this person I truly care/cared for. It is so scary to know the war has scarred him so severely. I hate the situation I am in with him. I want so badly for him to be okay, and that mean okay without me if that is God's plan. I can't take the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario we seem to be in. He truly seems to have two completely different personalities. I am consumed with the thoughts of him and how he hurt me and how he did all that with her while with me. I have not yet gotten past that, but I know someday I will move on.
I know this is a hard situation for my friends to relate to, but it infuriates me to no end when no one gets it to be there for me. I am beginning to think now that this whole situation is God's way of saying "there! you should have been closer to me, and this wouldn't have happened." I almost feel as if God is punishing me and putting me in a situation in which I have truly hit rock bottom and have no choice but to rely on Him. I know I should be very close to God, much closer than I currently am, however I am truly just broken. I cannot pick up the pieces on my own, I need His help. Only He can provide the help I need in these hours. I will not be getting any sleep tonight and that pains me, but I guess that is my own fault anyways. I want so badly to sleep, but I know I will not get up on time for church and then drive to Bama. Plus, I am pretty sure those thoughts will flood me again, as they often do now. These thoughts and images of everything that has happened consume my mind and do not let me sleep.
Today, was a pretty good day overall, even with not accomplishing much. I went to swim with Danie, then we both needed to go to Walmart, so we decided to up and go. While there I was texting Alex and he decided to show up. That was fun. We all stood there talking for like two hours. I really am glad he is back in my life as my friend. Facebook truly is a blessing and is reunitintg me with so many friends and family of the past.
I need to go read and actually post my next book review, which I failed to do last night : /
Tonight, I am starting reading "Don't Let Go"- David W. Pierce. I think this will be an amazing book and I am excited to read Chonda's husband's book.
Tomorrow, or techinically, Today, I will be heading to church to sing in the choir for the first time in a very long time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am bound and determined to rededicate myself to singing and praising God as I used to do. I am bombarded by things I want to do, things I need to do, and the general stresses of life. I have so much on my mind, and its driving me crazy, but I KNOW somehow I will survive and thrive. I love God, and He loves me, so why should I be afraid? I am in no way saying things are all okay, because they are far from being okay. I still worry about my Dad in sooo many ways, the situation of me moving out and working is so messed up, I am still not talking with Jaime right now, and I am still so hurt by this whole situation with him. However, somehow I am now trusting in God that I will make it through all of this and somehow come out stronger than ever.
*Goodnight All*
I truly believe God has a plan for me. And back to the Jeremiah scripture, I know His plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me. I must learn to relinquish control unto Him. I am convince the war has affected this person I truly care/cared for. It is so scary to know the war has scarred him so severely. I hate the situation I am in with him. I want so badly for him to be okay, and that mean okay without me if that is God's plan. I can't take the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario we seem to be in. He truly seems to have two completely different personalities. I am consumed with the thoughts of him and how he hurt me and how he did all that with her while with me. I have not yet gotten past that, but I know someday I will move on.
I know this is a hard situation for my friends to relate to, but it infuriates me to no end when no one gets it to be there for me. I am beginning to think now that this whole situation is God's way of saying "there! you should have been closer to me, and this wouldn't have happened." I almost feel as if God is punishing me and putting me in a situation in which I have truly hit rock bottom and have no choice but to rely on Him. I know I should be very close to God, much closer than I currently am, however I am truly just broken. I cannot pick up the pieces on my own, I need His help. Only He can provide the help I need in these hours. I will not be getting any sleep tonight and that pains me, but I guess that is my own fault anyways. I want so badly to sleep, but I know I will not get up on time for church and then drive to Bama. Plus, I am pretty sure those thoughts will flood me again, as they often do now. These thoughts and images of everything that has happened consume my mind and do not let me sleep.
Today, was a pretty good day overall, even with not accomplishing much. I went to swim with Danie, then we both needed to go to Walmart, so we decided to up and go. While there I was texting Alex and he decided to show up. That was fun. We all stood there talking for like two hours. I really am glad he is back in my life as my friend. Facebook truly is a blessing and is reunitintg me with so many friends and family of the past.
I need to go read and actually post my next book review, which I failed to do last night : /
Tonight, I am starting reading "Don't Let Go"- David W. Pierce. I think this will be an amazing book and I am excited to read Chonda's husband's book.
Tomorrow, or techinically, Today, I will be heading to church to sing in the choir for the first time in a very long time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am bound and determined to rededicate myself to singing and praising God as I used to do. I am bombarded by things I want to do, things I need to do, and the general stresses of life. I have so much on my mind, and its driving me crazy, but I KNOW somehow I will survive and thrive. I love God, and He loves me, so why should I be afraid? I am in no way saying things are all okay, because they are far from being okay. I still worry about my Dad in sooo many ways, the situation of me moving out and working is so messed up, I am still not talking with Jaime right now, and I am still so hurt by this whole situation with him. However, somehow I am now trusting in God that I will make it through all of this and somehow come out stronger than ever.
*Goodnight All*
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