I am up at 3am when I have to be up and at my nanny job in three short hours. Someone tell me why I choose to babysit till 2am, all the while knowing, I have to nanny early this Saturday morning. I don't get why I do this to myself so often.
Now I am listening to some old choir music I used to sing. I love this music, I really do. I have a thing for gospel, choir music.
Today has been hard. It's been rough. I don't know what to think, what to do, or what to say. I really just don't know how I feel. I want to be so mad I can't stand it. And, last night, I was. Now, I am just living. Moment to moment. I don't know what else to do. I am not playing the poor pittiful me bit, I am just being honest. I am hurt and yet I love and despise two people. Both emotions for both people. How is that possible? How can I feel so strongly and so contrastingly for both people? After everything, I FINALLY thought she and I were being honest and open. I have been wary of him for a while now, because, well frankly, he hasn't given me much to be excited about. I miss my friend I had in him. I miss those talks for hours. Why did things have to get complicated? I didn't rush feelings, and really neither did he. What I don't understand is why God allowed and created such feelings within us both if now is not the timing?? I truly know in my heart that he is The One. I don't know how to get that into people's heads, and quite honestly I have quit trying. I also do not get why she has been so forthcoming and honest and helpful lately, yet has left this "little" thing to herself!?!?! I don't know if its a case where he simply acted as though he was going along with it or what, but I just can't get over it.
And as much as I want to say that she does not intimidate me or make me feel small, I can't. I constantly feel like I am competing with her. While he was home he went out with her on my PROM night and yet had told me that things changed at the last minute. He apologized forever after that for that night, but I can't help but wonder. I don't know what the deal is. I do know that I feel small compared to her. I don't even think she means to do it, but she hogs EVERYONE. She seems to think that everyone must be exclusive to her, yet she does not feel like she should have to be exclusive to anyone else. You just can't live your life that way. It's not healthy. I cannot believe she is lying to me again!! I just can't keep doing this. I love him. I love her. But I despise them both right now! I don't honestly know if I can remain friends with her. It has always been one thing after another and I just cannot handle this!! WHY!?!?
Good night all. Or rather good mornin'.
Now I am listening to some old choir music I used to sing. I love this music, I really do. I have a thing for gospel, choir music.
Today has been hard. It's been rough. I don't know what to think, what to do, or what to say. I really just don't know how I feel. I want to be so mad I can't stand it. And, last night, I was. Now, I am just living. Moment to moment. I don't know what else to do. I am not playing the poor pittiful me bit, I am just being honest. I am hurt and yet I love and despise two people. Both emotions for both people. How is that possible? How can I feel so strongly and so contrastingly for both people? After everything, I FINALLY thought she and I were being honest and open. I have been wary of him for a while now, because, well frankly, he hasn't given me much to be excited about. I miss my friend I had in him. I miss those talks for hours. Why did things have to get complicated? I didn't rush feelings, and really neither did he. What I don't understand is why God allowed and created such feelings within us both if now is not the timing?? I truly know in my heart that he is The One. I don't know how to get that into people's heads, and quite honestly I have quit trying. I also do not get why she has been so forthcoming and honest and helpful lately, yet has left this "little" thing to herself!?!?! I don't know if its a case where he simply acted as though he was going along with it or what, but I just can't get over it.
And as much as I want to say that she does not intimidate me or make me feel small, I can't. I constantly feel like I am competing with her. While he was home he went out with her on my PROM night and yet had told me that things changed at the last minute. He apologized forever after that for that night, but I can't help but wonder. I don't know what the deal is. I do know that I feel small compared to her. I don't even think she means to do it, but she hogs EVERYONE. She seems to think that everyone must be exclusive to her, yet she does not feel like she should have to be exclusive to anyone else. You just can't live your life that way. It's not healthy. I cannot believe she is lying to me again!! I just can't keep doing this. I love him. I love her. But I despise them both right now! I don't honestly know if I can remain friends with her. It has always been one thing after another and I just cannot handle this!! WHY!?!?
Good night all. Or rather good mornin'.
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