I am so absolutely sick of being pushed down!! Why can't people just be freakin' happy for me and believe in me!!?!? I know some people truly mean the best, and some think they mean the best, but really, just humor me and trust me PLEASE!! Don't force someone to emotionally and sometimes physically raise themselves, then put them down and say their dreams aren't possible! i am soooooo over this! I do so good then something screws it up!! UGH!!
I am so so so so so so so so so so so tempted to just up and move away. I am serious. If I had just a bit more money, I would do just that. Just leave. I am so sick of being around negativity and small, hurt minds. Just because others around me failed at accomplishing their dreams and give into illness and such does NOT mean that I will fail. I REFUSE to fail!! Do you hear me?? I REFUSE TO FAIL!! I am not giving up!!
And wow, I talked to him today, and while it was nice and lasted a while, like it used to, I am finding it so hard to talk to him. That sounds horrible, I know. But there's no nice way to put it. I feel like people think I am crazy for what I know is the truth from God, but idk what else to do. I am at my limit. Today he revealed to me where this unknown opportunity will take him and its not too terrible far from here, but it is super far away from where I want to be! I just don't understand anything right now. I knew God was telling me, its right, its true-just not right now, but wow. I had hoped so hard that this wasn't going to have to end up being one of those "we met, moved away for years, then eventually reunited" stories!! Idk, God knows I am capable of all this, but I don't feel capable at all! I wish she only knew the hell this is for me. I am so done with the negativity and really don't need it right now! I feel like all I do is exude nagativity, and that is awful. I want to be full of joy and happiness, and while I am happy for moments at a time, I find I am more than unhappy right now. I need something, I have no idea what, but I need something. I wish I could have him, but that doesn't seem like it's going to be possible. So, what? Now are things going to be tough and miserable for a long time, and then we eventually reunite?
He wants out of TN and so do I. But, even if asked, I don't believe I will follow. Not unless I have those two rings on my finger. I won't take that risk unless its for sure. Yes, I am aware that marriage isn't always a guarantee, but, its better than nothing. I don't have a level of trust or insanity to go to another state for another person. I just couldn't do it. I wish he would tell me what he would be doing or something, but in all reality, I can't expect complete openness, cause, well, I have not been completely open with him. I haven't told him about the stroke-headaches, or the moving plans, or anything much really lately. eh.
Eh. I should get to reading my second book. No, actually I should get to bed, but i don't see that happening right now. Ok, I really can't write anymore. I just can't keep thinking.
**NIGHT**
I am so so so so so so so so so so so tempted to just up and move away. I am serious. If I had just a bit more money, I would do just that. Just leave. I am so sick of being around negativity and small, hurt minds. Just because others around me failed at accomplishing their dreams and give into illness and such does NOT mean that I will fail. I REFUSE to fail!! Do you hear me?? I REFUSE TO FAIL!! I am not giving up!!
And wow, I talked to him today, and while it was nice and lasted a while, like it used to, I am finding it so hard to talk to him. That sounds horrible, I know. But there's no nice way to put it. I feel like people think I am crazy for what I know is the truth from God, but idk what else to do. I am at my limit. Today he revealed to me where this unknown opportunity will take him and its not too terrible far from here, but it is super far away from where I want to be! I just don't understand anything right now. I knew God was telling me, its right, its true-just not right now, but wow. I had hoped so hard that this wasn't going to have to end up being one of those "we met, moved away for years, then eventually reunited" stories!! Idk, God knows I am capable of all this, but I don't feel capable at all! I wish she only knew the hell this is for me. I am so done with the negativity and really don't need it right now! I feel like all I do is exude nagativity, and that is awful. I want to be full of joy and happiness, and while I am happy for moments at a time, I find I am more than unhappy right now. I need something, I have no idea what, but I need something. I wish I could have him, but that doesn't seem like it's going to be possible. So, what? Now are things going to be tough and miserable for a long time, and then we eventually reunite?
He wants out of TN and so do I. But, even if asked, I don't believe I will follow. Not unless I have those two rings on my finger. I won't take that risk unless its for sure. Yes, I am aware that marriage isn't always a guarantee, but, its better than nothing. I don't have a level of trust or insanity to go to another state for another person. I just couldn't do it. I wish he would tell me what he would be doing or something, but in all reality, I can't expect complete openness, cause, well, I have not been completely open with him. I haven't told him about the stroke-headaches, or the moving plans, or anything much really lately. eh.
Eh. I should get to reading my second book. No, actually I should get to bed, but i don't see that happening right now. Ok, I really can't write anymore. I just can't keep thinking.
**NIGHT**
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