I just don't feel I have much energy to write at this point. I did not sleep well last night and I am not sleeping at all tonight. I have to be at my nanny job in five hours and then I can sleep a few hours. :)
Tomorrow/today, whatever, is going to be a long one. I will be operating on no sleep and the kids and I have errands to run. We are going to the library, gonna play in the water for a while, gotta get my tags renewed, gotta run to the bank, gotta do some reading time, and gotta go to Choir rehearsal at 630 and I will still have the kids. Gonna be such a lonnngggg day!
Somehow, with all this on my mind, I have to find a way to function and take care of the kids and find another job.
And, here it is 115 in the morning and I'm hungry! Grr!! I need to sleep, but its too late now, and I need to eat, but nothing sounds good.
I am in a really odd mood. I can't get out of it. I feel like I never truly laugh anymore, and that's sad. I miss the happy me that was always having fun. I miss true happiness. The situations I am dealing with are so very challenging, and while I am praying and believing everyday for clarity and peace, its still very hard to deal with it all.
In one situation, I cannot help but want to blame myself, though he assures me it is all his fault, but I should have been able to keep him happy. I know I sound crazy, but its all true. I can't help it. I can't help but feel this way. I miss him desperately.

Too tired for writing, but there's so much more to this story....

Someone please explain how when something goes this wrong, one can still love another?
Someone please explain how when one find herself in such a confusing time, she can still find the courage and strength to smile?
Someone please explain why God chooses to tell us the one we love, without telling us when the right time will be?
Someone please explain why God is so clear but yet so confusing all at one time?


These are my questions tonight, as I lay awake here unable to truly rest. I have a very long day in the morning, full of errands and cleaning. I need to sleep, but he has my heart, and that hole keeps me awake at night. I cannot comprehend why God would allow a man to think this way and yet be so sad and devastated by his actions. I guess when that happens, those are true mistakes. The question at this point though, is will he make the right choice and want to be with me? God holds the ultimate plan, however, we do have free will.

Last Night Was A Bit Crazy

Last night was a great night, albeit a bit crazy and a bit emotional. Tony did have a breakdown, but so did I-for two TOTALLY different reasons. His wife made me mad, tryin to tell me that I am never happy there and that maybe I should quit coming out there with everybody. I don't think so! I was a part of that family before she even moved here! I will not be forced away by her. I was not trying to get with her husband, but that doesnt even seem to be what she was worried about. I swear she needs to get more secure in her relationship with him and everyone else though. I got news for her, I am not gonna be treated the way she treats everyone. She is your best friend one minute, then talkin about you the next. Come on, she is 21, it's time to grow up! I am a very real person and I don't like fake people. If she just flat out hated me, and was only polite to me, then I could handle that. I really don't care. I have never done anything to her, and so I don't deserve it!

I cannot stand the way she treats him and the things she does to the rest of us. She needs to grow up and start acting like a grown woman. He deserves much more than her, and I can't stand seeing my "big brother" being affected the way he is. He kept telling me that I came first and all that and I can't stand hearing that cause she would flip out and I know he is hurting. He kept tellin me that I'm one of the few who actually talk to him while he is over there. That makes me so sad. God, I love him so much and I miss my big brother. I don't want to send him back! I know he will be home only three months or so after he goes back, but that is too long! I have been sad about him being gone, but have done pretty good at just keeping up with him and not thinking about it, but now seeing him face to face, I just can't block it out. I know God will bring him back to us safe and sound, but I just can't take it. I miss him so much. I miss the talks we used to have, and I can't even have those with him while he is here, cause he won't talk while she is around, and she pops up everytime we start talking. He needs a bit of space and time with family and close friends, and she is not secure enough apparently to give that to him. I don't know what she thinks of me, but she does not know me well if she thinks I care about him as more than a brother. He is my brother and we are family. That is where it ends and begins. I have been around longer than she has, and if anything was going to happen, it would have already happened with us. I just want to be able to sit and talk with him. It makes me sad to think I may not get the chance to really talk with him. And you know, she may not like it but his mom already told me I am family and I better be there the 4th of July with them, so I will be there. She can get over it. She really needs to come to terms with me being family, and get over it.

Well, today I need to get to the gym, get my eyebrows done, and then shower, run errands, and head to Smyrna to work the Fine Arts Fireworks Tent. Gotta make that money!! lol

Oh! And I now have a gym buddy two days a week now!! Woohoo!! She also nannies and so we're gonna take our kids places together too this summer!! :)

LONG DAY

Today has been a very very long day.
I did go set up the fireworks tent for four hours and that was A LOT of work! And it was very hot! But that wasn't all bad. I had fun with some of the people there and it was all pretty relaxed, except Mr. Brian not trusting me with the knife lol oh well.
However, after that I then babysat tonight from 5-11. ugh. It would not have been so bad if I had been able to eat since 2pm today lol I could have dealt with the rowdy boys and ear infection plagued one year old with a smile, had I eaten lol Oh well.
The day is done. I believe I am hanging out with Alex tomorrow and then going to the amazing bonfire at Pa's with my favoritest Tony!! I am soo happy to get to see him!! woohoo!!

I am beat!
Goodnight!!

SO........I am upset cause I realized I left my book I was almost done with at the kids' house that I nanny for. :( So now I have to wait until Tuesday to read it :( But, I know I will be finished with it by the end of the day :):) I can't wait to read it all!

Today was pretty good. I went and saw The Proposal with Danie and it was GREAT! lol I love those kind of movies. Although, I love lots of movies, as watching the previews proved haha I kept tellin Danie I wanted to see "that movie" each time a new preview came up lol oh well, what can I say, I love movies, but I rarely go pay to see them. : /

I think I am going to start a new book tonight. Once I finish these two, I promise I will get to my goal and post reviews for all three of them.

Tomorrow will be a busy, but good day. I have to be up at 830 to shower and then be at the Fireworks stand to set up by 10am. Then after that I need to run some errands-take clothes back, wax eyebrows, go to the bank, etc. Once my errands are done, it's off to the gym!! :) After I head to the gym I am coming home to clean this nasty house! It is gross! My room needs to be picked up and vacuumed, the livingroom and hallways need vacuumed, the kitchen needs swept and mopped, dishes need to be done, my bathroom needs to be completely cleaned top to bottom, and I need to do a bit of laundry too! Wooh! Gonna be a lot to do tomorrow evening, but that's ok, it will be well worth it to have a clean house and be able to relax. Friday I am gonna hit the gym, maybe grab lunch with a friend, but overall, just relax till I head out to Pa's for the Bonfire for Tony :):) I am sooo happy I chose to stay home from Cali and be here to see him!

I am really beginning to put my priorities in order and that is actually making me VERY happy! I like order, or at least organized chaos lol so it's a good thing to me to be able to finally put some things together in my life. I kinda have a plan now for the future, all I need now is to sign all the paperwork and get a new job!

As I write this, I am beginning to see the numerous things that need to be added to my to-do list lol I need to call several places about some jobs, put in some applications, and do all the other things I listed above! Gosh, gonna be a long day tomorrow! But again, WELL WORTH IT!!

I am so moody these days-more than normal. I wish my moods were more....stable. But they are just not, so I am just trying to cope with being so darn Bipolar. It is really frustrating to deal with being soo....idk what the word even is, but anyone who deals with me on a regular basis understands I am sure! lol

Ew!! looking at all this stuff in my room makes me ancy!! I have to clean tomorrow! I just have to! There's no getting out of it. This is driving me nuts!! I am such a bipolar freak sometimes about everything....lol

I think I may tackle cleaning out my trunk, scheduling my yard sale, and washing the outside of my car tomorrow too!! lol I am nuts to think all this will get done, but it needs to be done, so it shall go on my ever-growing list lol

OK. I need to go finish some laundry, read a bit, and head to bed. Long day ahead.

Goodnight!!

Another sick tummy night....

I am sick to my tummy again. I haven't actually gotten sick, but I feel icky. I feel very icky. My stomach has been so crazy lately. I don't know what to think now. I mean, obviously, I know I am not pregnant, but sheeesh! This is getting annoying! If it is stress causing all these crazy symptoms, then I need them to go away so I can get a bit less stressed.

I am trying to trust God with all this, but it is just so hard. I feel like I am done talking. I don't know what else there is to say. I guess there really isn't. Why didn't anyone want to talk when the things happened so I would have them then? They all want to "be there" for me now, and want to talk to me, but I am just done talking. Nothing else I say can do anything anymore. I am just so done with being unhappy and sick or hurting all the time.

I also feel grief for the loss of a family friend's baby. She was expecting again, after loosing twins at less than four months, and she was so excited. Just as I get to the point where I feel I am trusting in the Lord, something else baffling happens. I JUST DONT GET IT!! These are loving people who care for their children and love the Lord. How can He do this to them?? I mean, honestly, if more children just aren't in God's will, then why allow to get pregnant TWICE so quickly?? She was just recovering emotionally and physically from the loss of the twins, and now this. Like seriously, I dont' get why they must suffer more like this!!

Needless to say, besides my stomach being all weird, everything with my own life, that of my dad's health, and the situation with the army boy, I am irritated with God. I love God and believe in Him, but I am just flat out frustrated and just need some answers!


I can no longer think to write tonight....bed time here I come!

Long Days

I leave for California in a day and a half- I am not packed yet. People say, "Awe, that's ok you can do it tomorrow," however I have not even gotten the suitcases down out of the hall closet yet. I also have to nanny tomorrow all day from 630am till 8pm. I am wayyy behind on packing, but I just don't feel like doing it. I have no energy to do it. It is a lot of work to do, but I will just have to do it all tomorrow night. I don't like the idea that I will be doing it tomorrow at 9pm when I have to leave the house at 9am but, I can sleep on the 5hr flight as well. It won't be so bad I guess.

I had a good time visiting with my dad, though my little brother is having some behavior issues. That is way too long of a story to explain on here.

I am so confused and tired and just stressed today. But that is everyday I guess, so why have I not learned to deal with it?

Happy Father's Day!!

It is 645am and I have not been to bed yet. It is going to be a looonnnggg Father's Day. Hmmm

I am gonna finish getting ready for church, then pack an overnight bag for Dad's, grab a bite to eat, head to church to sing, then head to see my Daddy! It is going to be a hot day and a really boring drive. At not even 7am it is already 80 degrees outside...ugh!!

I hope Daddy is surprised by me coming. I hope today goes well. I seem to be in a good mood, or at least an okay, hopeful mood, which is a lot as it is.

The review on the book I just finished is coming. I will probably wait another day or so and post it and the current book I am reading's review. This book I started only a few hours ago, but have made it about half way through already, is amazing!!

Off to church and such I go. It feels good to be back singing again. :):)

I accomplished nothing today...but everything at the same time....

I woke up at 1pm today feeling worthless and as if I had not accomplished anything at all. And, truthfully, I have not accomplished anything on my list today, other than workout at the gym and swim with Danie. I am okay with that now though. I am learning to relax. I will have to pack completely on Monday, which I was hoping to avoid, however, c'est la vie. That is life. Things are not in my control and God is truly showing me that.

I truly believe God has a plan for me. And back to the Jeremiah scripture, I know His plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me. I must learn to relinquish control unto Him. I am convince the war has affected this person I truly care/cared for. It is so scary to know the war has scarred him so severely. I hate the situation I am in with him. I want so badly for him to be okay, and that mean okay without me if that is God's plan. I can't take the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario we seem to be in. He truly seems to have two completely different personalities. I am consumed with the thoughts of him and how he hurt me and how he did all that with her while with me. I have not yet gotten past that, but I know someday I will move on.

I know this is a hard situation for my friends to relate to, but it infuriates me to no end when no one gets it to be there for me. I am beginning to think now that this whole situation is God's way of saying "there! you should have been closer to me, and this wouldn't have happened." I almost feel as if God is punishing me and putting me in a situation in which I have truly hit rock bottom and have no choice but to rely on Him. I know I should be very close to God, much closer than I currently am, however I am truly just broken. I cannot pick up the pieces on my own, I need His help. Only He can provide the help I need in these hours. I will not be getting any sleep tonight and that pains me, but I guess that is my own fault anyways. I want so badly to sleep, but I know I will not get up on time for church and then drive to Bama. Plus, I am pretty sure those thoughts will flood me again, as they often do now. These thoughts and images of everything that has happened consume my mind and do not let me sleep.

Today, was a pretty good day overall, even with not accomplishing much. I went to swim with Danie, then we both needed to go to Walmart, so we decided to up and go. While there I was texting Alex and he decided to show up. That was fun. We all stood there talking for like two hours. I really am glad he is back in my life as my friend. Facebook truly is a blessing and is reunitintg me with so many friends and family of the past.

I need to go read and actually post my next book review, which I failed to do last night : /
Tonight, I am starting reading "Don't Let Go"- David W. Pierce. I think this will be an amazing book and I am excited to read Chonda's husband's book.

Tomorrow, or techinically, Today, I will be heading to church to sing in the choir for the first time in a very long time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am bound and determined to rededicate myself to singing and praising God as I used to do. I am bombarded by things I want to do, things I need to do, and the general stresses of life. I have so much on my mind, and its driving me crazy, but I KNOW somehow I will survive and thrive. I love God, and He loves me, so why should I be afraid? I am in no way saying things are all okay, because they are far from being okay. I still worry about my Dad in sooo many ways, the situation of me moving out and working is so messed up, I am still not talking with Jaime right now, and I am still so hurt by this whole situation with him. However, somehow I am now trusting in God that I will make it through all of this and somehow come out stronger than ever.

*Goodnight All*

Maybe this works...sorry the thing is messed up!!

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually.
I know I will.Other people have made it through much worse things
 and so I can make it through this rough time I am having. I know it's
truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!

How To Deal Today??

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually. I know I will.
Other people have made it through much worse things and so I can make it 
through this rough time I am having. I know it's truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!

My "Me Time"

Today was: Ok, then GREAT, then GOOD.

I was at my friends' house just a bit ago and well somethings kinda happened and so I went home. I am kinda happy to be home though honestly.

I am proud of taking the time to go shopping and get things done for me. I also paid for my Fine Arts trip by MYSELF today :)
At first, I wasn't so thrilled when noone was able to go shopping with me, but then while I was out, I discovered I loved it! Noone was pressuring me to try things on and this and that. It was a nice, relaxing day. I got lots of cute clothes, some jewelry, a fabulous pair of pink heels:), a zebra bathing suit :):), and a really nice pair of running shoes. I am very excited! I haven't had the opportunity to take some time for me in a while, and I am soooo glad I did.

I also got Dad's Father's Day present and glad I found somethings. I need to go down and see him this weekend, but I also need money, so I need to be available to work as well. That's a hard decision to make.

Well, here it is 145am and I am still awake. GRR

Tomorrow will be busy and so will Wednesday and Thursday...Tomorrow I am taking Jaime to the Art Institute for her interview with Robin, the Director, and also to write my essay I need to turn in for them. Then after I take her home, I have to go to the gym to meet with my trainer again, then grab a bite to eat and straight to Choir practice. Wednesday and Thursday I have the kids two full days. Then, Friday, hopefully I will have an interview for a babysitting job, and also go to turn in the application at Maurices. Before Friday though, I am calling the rehab place about the cook position and then Santa Fe about the Hostess job. I will also see if they are hiring Waitresses since I need to start around my eighteenth bday anyways. This weekend I will hopefully see Dad a few days, and I sing in choir sunday morning. Monday is packing and possibly nannying, and definitely nannying Tuesday and then last minute packing, cause Wednesday I leave for CALI!! :) I am very excited, although, nervous about the way I look in a swim suit.

I'm out for tonight.

Sleepless in the Boro

I am up at 3am when I have to be up and at my nanny job in three short hours. Someone tell me why I choose to babysit till 2am, all the while knowing, I have to nanny early this Saturday morning. I don't get why I do this to myself so often.

Now I am listening to some old choir music I used to sing. I love this music, I really do. I have a thing for gospel, choir music.

Today has been hard. It's been rough. I don't know what to think, what to do, or what to say. I really just don't know how I feel. I want to be so mad I can't stand it. And, last night, I was. Now, I am just living. Moment to moment. I don't know what else to do. I am not playing the poor pittiful me bit, I am just being honest. I am hurt and yet I love and despise two people. Both emotions for both people. How is that possible? How can I feel so strongly and so contrastingly for both people? After everything, I FINALLY thought she and I were being honest and open. I have been wary of him for a while now, because, well frankly, he hasn't given me much to be excited about. I miss my friend I had in him. I miss those talks for hours. Why did things have to get complicated? I didn't rush feelings, and really neither did he. What I don't understand is why God allowed and created such feelings within us both if now is not the timing?? I truly know in my heart that he is The One. I don't know how to get that into people's heads, and quite honestly I have quit trying. I also do not get why she has been so forthcoming and honest and helpful lately, yet has left this "little" thing to herself!?!?! I don't know if its a case where he simply acted as though he was going along with it or what, but I just can't get over it.

And as much as I want to say that she does not intimidate me or make me feel small, I can't. I constantly feel like I am competing with her. While he was home he went out with her on my PROM night and yet had told me that things changed at the last minute. He apologized forever after that for that night, but I can't help but wonder. I don't know what the deal is. I do know that I feel small compared to her. I don't even think she means to do it, but she hogs EVERYONE. She seems to think that everyone must be exclusive to her, yet she does not feel like she should have to be exclusive to anyone else. You just can't live your life that way. It's not healthy. I cannot believe she is lying to me again!! I just can't keep doing this. I love him. I love her. But I despise them both right now! I don't honestly know if I can remain friends with her. It has always been one thing after another and I just cannot handle this!! WHY!?!?

Good night all. Or rather good mornin'.

Disorganization Creates Chaos

Ah....I have been slacking again and not keeping up with my blog goal...grr!!

Well, today is a pretty lazy day for me. I don't have a lot to do. I will be hitting the gym soon, then gonna grab a shower and go eat with Danielle lol I feel guilty about going to eat as soon as I am done working out, but I have read that it is the best time to eat actually, due to the metabolism being spiked.

Last night was a good night at church. The Gravity services are still taking some getting used to, but I really like the atmosphere. It's not like normal church, but has a lot of the same elements. I really like it, just gotta get used to the change I guess. I am also adding a few more things to my summer to do list. After church last night we had a Fine Arts meeting and I volunteered myself as Fundraising Coordinator. Gotta love how my perfectionist personality loves to take over lol

I am going to leave this one short and reorganize a bit and get some cleaning done before I head to the gym. I know for me, its completely necessary for me to be organized. If I am not organized in every aspect physically, I will be unorganized in every mental aspect. Not being organized creates chaos.

Like A Kick In the Stomach...I wanted to puke

So yeah today was odd. No, more than odd. Odd doesn't really fit today....

Today I experienced so many emotions, and I didn't quite know how to handle them properly.

So, let's begin:
I fought and fought and fought and fought to get mom up and ready and willing to go hear the people from the Art Institute. What she didn't know was that this was also my acceptance interview, so it was a bit crucial to whether or not I got in. So....yeah! That was an interesting morning. By some miracle, we managed to get to the appointment on time and in one piece. And well mom wasn't completely thrilled, but did let me apply. Then! There was the interview portion...dun dun dun!! THE LADY LOVED ME!! I was so so so so unsure of how this thing was going to go. At an Arts school, especially one so nationally known such as this one, they do not look at grades and test scores for admissions, they look at YOU!! Which turned out to be a very good thing for me. Now, test scores and grades come into play with financial aide, which is a whole OTHER story that I refuse to deal with today. But, the meaning of all this mess is to say that she loved me and we spent three hours with her today!! =) Very exciting, considering, when we sat down she said look, you either spend hours with me if I like you, or you spend 20 minutes with me if I don't think you fit in here. Soooo....I guess that's good!! =) man! I do know how to sell myself haha!! =)

Now, here is where we get into the odd part of my day. I get to the gym-yoga was CANCELLED!! GRR But, I did go to the ball game I was going to miss, and I got to see Bug play, which made her smile and me very happy to go. However!! Someone's mom decided to start talkin about how their daughter and a certain someone should be together. The mom began to plan a wedding and talk about how these two would make cute babies and such! This mom knows me, however, it must have slipped her mind that I am kinda sorta whatever with this other person she was talkin about being soooo right for her daughter! Now, her daughter, being tohe best friend she is to me, was very upset. She kept tryin to shush her mother and her mom's friend, yet they were not getting the message. Finally, she just sent her a text, meanwhile we are all sitting together on the bleachers, so needless to say, the chatter amongst her mom and her friend when they recieved the text, was very awkwardly obviously about me!! Grr!! I appreciate her trying to shush her mom, but well, it didn't do much. Wow, that was interesting!! As soon as all the talk about these two and weddings and babies came up, I had that sinking feeling like I wanted to puke! My lovely best friend noticed too, bless her heart!! I love her, I really do. She knows the feelings are there, and she is finally taking them into consideration. Plus, unlike most people, she is really there for me. Things are definitely looking up with this friendship.

The words, North Carolina, still petrify me. I don't know whether or not he will take it. But, this opportunity seems to finally understand his main hesitation in making things official. Which, really makes sense, considering we would be so far apart. I honestly don't think I would follow if asked. I can't now. I have made another choice now. I cannot change that. He does not know the choice I have made. He doesn't know anything about anything about me lately. He asks, I just say things are fine. I don't give much description anymore. He is giving more description than I am. That is sad I know. I don't know how to really tell him any of this anymore. I know he would listen, and he is one of my biggest chearleaders when it comes to my decisions but, I just, I don't know. I feel so connected, yet so disconnected to him lately. But really, I feel that way with everyone lately too, not just him.

God is the only one who knows how things will pan out. I have to trust in the knowledge that He will guide me. I know this school is where I am supposed to be. I know that he is The One. I know I am meant to be a mommy, a writer, a photographer, a mentor, a friend, a wife, a partner, a daughter, a best friend, a sister, a guide, a help to change things, and so much more. But, God is the only one who knows how. I know what, He knows how. For I must remember the jeremiah scripture in which He knows the plans he has for me.

It is now nearly 3am. I have to be at the kids' house to nanny in just over three hours. Yikes! I needed to sleep but, I was out too late and so it was pointless to try once I got home. I am finding this odd sleep pattern is one I commit to all too frequently, and so I really need to get out of the habit.

Now, this is all for now. I am too tired to write more. Maybe I will post a second entry today while the kids are playing. Today is slip-n-slide day and library day :D lol They love activities and these are pretty darn easy for me to commit too lol plus, i get time to myself as well. Gotta all some places about some jobs today too while they play :)

Today shall prove to be interesting I do believe....

Raging Anger

I am so absolutely sick of being pushed down!! Why can't people just be freakin' happy for me and believe in me!!?!? I know some people truly mean the best, and some think they mean the best, but really, just humor me and trust me PLEASE!! Don't force someone to emotionally and sometimes physically raise themselves, then put them down and say their dreams aren't possible! i am soooooo over this! I do so good then something screws it up!! UGH!!

I am so so so so so so so so so so so tempted to just up and move away. I am serious. If I had just a bit more money, I would do just that. Just leave. I am so sick of being around negativity and small, hurt minds. Just because others around me failed at accomplishing their dreams and give into illness and such does NOT mean that I will fail. I REFUSE to fail!! Do you hear me?? I REFUSE TO FAIL!! I am not giving up!!

And wow, I talked to him today, and while it was nice and lasted a while, like it used to, I am finding it so hard to talk to him. That sounds horrible, I know. But there's no nice way to put it. I feel like people think I am crazy for what I know is the truth from God, but idk what else to do. I am at my limit. Today he revealed to me where this unknown opportunity will take him and its not too terrible far from here, but it is super far away from where I want to be! I just don't understand anything right now. I knew God was telling me, its right, its true-just not right now, but wow. I had hoped so hard that this wasn't going to have to end up being one of those "we met, moved away for years, then eventually reunited" stories!! Idk, God knows I am capable of all this, but I don't feel capable at all! I wish she only knew the hell this is for me. I am so done with the negativity and really don't need it right now! I feel like all I do is exude nagativity, and that is awful. I want to be full of joy and happiness, and while I am happy for moments at a time, I find I am more than unhappy right now. I need something, I have no idea what, but I need something. I wish I could have him, but that doesn't seem like it's going to be possible. So, what? Now are things going to be tough and miserable for a long time, and then we eventually reunite?

He wants out of TN and so do I. But, even if asked, I don't believe I will follow. Not unless I have those two rings on my finger. I won't take that risk unless its for sure. Yes, I am aware that marriage isn't always a guarantee, but, its better than nothing. I don't have a level of trust or insanity to go to another state for another person. I just couldn't do it. I wish he would tell me what he would be doing or something, but in all reality, I can't expect complete openness, cause, well, I have not been completely open with him. I haven't told him about the stroke-headaches, or the moving plans, or anything much really lately. eh.

Eh. I should get to reading my second book. No, actually I should get to bed, but i don't see that happening right now. Ok, I really can't write anymore. I just can't keep thinking.

**NIGHT**

I love good girl talks....

Here I am again....ANOTHER late, sleepless night. At this point I am running on barely three hours of sleep in the past two days and goin' into day three. What is with my sleeping habits?! I am not thrilled by this in the least. I am happy though, that Rebecca has been on to talk to, despite my internet issues today :)

Rebecca and I really seem to have a friendship that feels like I have known her forever. I am pretty sure this is a God thing. I don't know how else to explain meeting your cousin's wife for the first time six months ago at Christmas, and since then kept in touch over Facebook, which then led to phone calls, IM, and eventually her coming up for my Graduation. Hmm....anyone else have another idea that explains it better? Didn't think so lol

I know one thing. I HAVE to get my booty up and go to Zumba at ten in the morning. NO excuses this time! I am going tomorrow!! I am actually really excited to start going regularly.

Ok...headache is gettin bad and my wrist hurts too bad to keep typing. More later folks....

To follow Jesse's advice??

So, I am pretty awful at the whole blog daily commitment I declared. Oh well. Just gonna ease up on myself for that one....


Today was a GREAT day :)
I talked to Tony on oovoo :):)
I had a FABULOUS lunch at Panera with my favorite Lindsey!
Linds and I got some great stuff for Raymond for his box...still weird to call him that....oh well
Gonna write another letter to him and put these in the mail :)
Had fun gettin lost with Linds today :P
Had a great time bowlin, walkin around Walmart, eatin late night Arby's, and talkin for HOURS with my Danie :) I love how we talk about EV_ERY_THING!! lol

I am excited for Zumba class in 7 hours and then personal training in the afternoon. I am gonna be sooooo sore, but it is sooo worth it...I am also thinkin about doing some YogaBootyBallet dvd workout tonight too...hmmm??
I am so excited for tomorrow. Gonna work my butt off and hopefully this tummy too at the gym, but the result will be sooo worth it....
I am also going to the YMCA and other places and turning in more applications and calling Adam's Place about my application so I can get a job squared away. I hope to have one ready to start the second week of August after Fine Arts before I leave for Cali the 24th!

Tony comes home for R&R on the 20th I believe and Stacey is coming to visit on the 19th so I am super excited! :)
June has certainly turned out to be a busy learning month for me! I am loving it though. Don't get me wrong, this is still hard for me. I am at a point where I really don't have much control over my life and I am in a difficult relationship right now, but I am learning to truly accept life and trust God won't lead me astray...which, I admit, is not easy...but im tryin'

I am making many big changes and making some scary leaps of faith, but it will all happen. I am pessimistic, with some positivity mixed in there somewhere. Not so sure that entirely makes sense, but it works lol

Ok...now to go clean up this room of mine, my bathroom, finish off some laundry, do a quick workout, and clean out my car before I shower and then head out for the day...wish me luck :)

Im falling

Well, I am really failing at this whole blog everyday goal. I am trying to beat myself up over it but I find I am not doing too good at easing up on being so harsh on myself.

So...I will blog a long one to make up for the not-written ones.....

First,
Here is the first review of my first book completed for the summer...29 books left to go....any suggestions??

Headlong, by: Kathe Koja

This book was extremely interesting. Although it seems to be written in a youthful style that I feel myself growing out of, it was a great book on the changes a girl goes through when truly finding herself. I found it odd that the main character is so young to be making these vast personality and life changes, seeing that she is only said to be in the 10th grade. However, I also understand that many changes are made during that sophomore year. I love the central idea of this novel and I feel it shows true, dynamic emotion. It is written in a way that is intriguing, emotional, and gripping. I think this book is good for all high school ages.


OK, so that was a pretty mediocre review, but I don't have much in me for this first one. They will get better I'm sure.

And, about today and yesterday. I did not blog yesterday due to extreme pain in my stomach and lack of sleep. I took meds after I was home from nannying and was asleep by like ten thirty, though, in the bed much earlier. I love my nanny job but I NEED something else too. I am not broke by any means right now but I do need another job so I can afford to survive after the news I received a week or so ago. It sucks, its hard, its unfair, she's my mother, this shouldn't be happening, but, its life. I have to suck it up, quite playing the pity card and grow up. Yes, my life has been pretty rough all along, but I can't honestly expect it to get any easier. No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but, I am simply being realistic.

But, anyways.....
So, today was a pretty ok day.
I got called babe again...FINALLY =)
I miss him soo much!! And Dad called to inform me that Uncle Steve and Aunt Renai want me to just up and leave and come stay in Colorado for a while! What?! I wish Dad knew the whole story so he could see why I really can't afford to just up and go do all that I want to do. I swear, I have so many opportunities to visit soo many places this summer, but I dont have the money to take the time off from the job search and nannying and just go. I would love to go see everyone, crash on couches (lol), and truly experience my summer, but that's just not happening. I do hope I get to go camping and some other small adventures this summer. Those would be nice =) I am so ready to do all I have never done before. Well, maybe not ALL lol but a lot of what I have not done before. I am intrigued by this new life and this new me, but also frightened. Too many unknowns!!

Please pray that I will find a good job with benefits SOON. I know things are in God's time, but I am not holding faith that well right now. I can quote scripture and I know all the things to say and believe, but I am having such a hard time right now. I am trying to remain positive, because I truly believe my negativity is holding me back , but it is so hard.

Goodnight