Today...Today, I'm Ready

Today I am ready.
I am ready for the change that is coming. Gosh, I am having a really hard time with things right now. I am functioning on little sleep, so this will be short. We drove home from Bama today and I am glad to be back. I love visiting there, but could never live there. It's just too small for me. But, I did see the house I want my dream home to look like. :)
Today has been rough though. I feel like I'm in a fog that I can't get out of. I got up, got ready, went to the mall, drove home, and have been online and laying around~all in a fog. I can't function this way. I need out of this state, but idk how to get there. I love him. I know this is all sincere, so I need to figure it out and move on and grow up. I need to take my leap of faith. I will take it soon. I will. It is just taking time.

Ok...I can't write anymore. I need sleep. Goodnight
************

Bama

Wow. Well the trip to Alabama was certainly an interesting. I tried so hard not to think, to just enjoy my time there and was actually partially successful...But it wasn't easy. Austin had a raging fever that went from 101-104 while we were there. Poor baby. He was still his typical little jerk self but I am truly hoping that one day that will change. I am exhausted today, because I had to get up at 7am when I hadn't fallen asleep till 1-2am to watch out for Keegan while they took Austin BACK to the ER again for the third time in three days. I swear doctors are morons because they sent him home without any medication or anything, saying he will just be "ok". I would love to know their definition of ok because when I see that baby boy burning up and miserable and we can't do anything about it, I DO NOT consider that ok. Anyways, he seems to be doing better now, let's pray he keeps improving. Yesterday, Alisa and I managed to get out and go to Point Mallard. Despite the cold, well 65-70 degrees, we had a lot of fun! :) We did all the slides, the wave pool several times, and laid out on the beach area. I hope she enjoyed the trip. Dad was a bit testy due to not having a job, being trapped in the house thanks to that, and Austin being sick has kept them inside as well. My dad just can't stand not being busy. I am the same way, but can also enjoy a break from time to time. His break has just been too long. Well, that about sums up Alabama. I can't really think of much else to say.

It's Time to Play Catch Up....

So now there will be three new posts to update from my absence. I will write this one to update and explain. The next one to update on my brothers, Bama, and all that concerns that trip, and then the the third one will be about today. In some way, this will catch me up on not blogging daily the past few days....

So....about today.....

Wow today was very interesting. I picked up Haley Bug from school then met Danielle at work to eat lunch with her. It was a good girlie lunch :)
Then, I got home and ACTUALLY heard from him today :) I also had a reply from his sister from where I had sent a message to try and work things out. I didn't want her hating me, even if he and I are not official right now.
I also had the chance to have a good, long chat with a GREAT guy friend of mine, who helped me through a lot of things. Wow! He and I have always been friends and I consider him a brother, but I think I had really forgotten just what he and all my close guy friends mean to me! Now, only if I had gotten to talk to Tony today-that would have been icing on the cake! Looks like its time to send that boy an email!
Gosh! I miss my soldiers :( BAD:(
Come home safe boys!!
I have gotten most all of their addresses now and will be using the next few days to write their letters and gather their items for their boxes. I may not have much money, but it's time to send off some appreciation!! I love them all sooo much and they need to know that, and I'm sure they do, but I want to reinforce that!
So...I kinda feel bad for not going to the gym today, but I have worked out daily for like five days straight and have been eating pretty decently, so I figure, with as sore as I am, it's ok to take a break today. I am also going to take Friday off. I will hit the gym sat night for Zumba too, so its not like I'm slacking a whole lot. Friday will be spent at the water park, so I will NOT be being lazy then either. Plus we're takin the bikes to the trails Saturday I think so...DEFINITELY NOT being lazy, just getting outside some too :) Its pretty weather right now and I want to enjoy it while I can! Plus, I want to enjoy some family and friend time :)
This weekend should be fun!! I am going to yoga class tomorrow then packing for Bama! I have to pick Alisa up at 1230 then we are heading out! I am excited to take her to my home town. Should be a fun girls' weekend :) Filled with lots of pics, the water park, Austin's last ball game, yummy dinners, lonnnggg meaningful talks with Dad and Katie, and seein old friends and family I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait! :) Plus its a surprise to everyone in Bama except Haley and Katie. Katie made a big deal of dissappointing the boys and tellin them their sis won't be there...haha...won't they be surprised! lol We are so mean...oh well :P
I am going to try to enjoy this time and take a break from thinking so darn much, although I know Dad will push the talking thing....oh well. Maybe its needed....
Tonight was rough, but special. Tonight was the last Wednesday night in youth, the last night with Kenny as pastor, the last Wednesday they will attend the church, and the Senior Pass the Torch Ceremony....I think everyone noticed the tears in my eyes when I gave my torch to Michael. That was very special to me, because I know I let him down, but I wanted him to know how much he means to me and that I want him to carry on what I did not. I love God, but I know that I was not the Christian I should/could have been these past months-close to a year, really. But, I do not regret any of it. I made some amazing friends, even though, prolly not through ways most adults or the Church would have wanted me to. Oh well. The past is the past. I am truly beginning to live by that statement. I hope my Michael knows the light he really is :) He was so shocked when I gave him my torch, and even more shocked when he got TWO tonight. He was the only one who recieved two torches :) He is an awesome and amazing friend, and I would not trade him for the world. I said a few things to the youth tonight and I hope they caught my sincerity. When I sat down on stage after I spoke, Brantley noticed my tears and said that he could tell it was all very heart-felt. I hope they all noticed that-not that I hope they noticed so I would be remembered or anything, but so that I may make a difference. There is so much I would like to say to the youth. I wish there was some way to deliver this message I have in my head to them. I really don't like public speaking that much, but I would like to deliver this to them at some point...hmmm, maybe I will talk to Hooper about that soon. Who knows....one thing at a time, Brady. Things will come, just gotta finish some other things up first before I try for that. I am learning to embrace change. I am not always happy with the change, but who is, really?
Yeah today was monumental. I also cried tonight at the thought of no longer seeing Kenny and Julie and now, baby Kate. I guess its not for good, but it certainly feels like it. They have been around since I began attending FWC. In fact, Julie was the first person I ever met in all the confusion of a Wednesday night at FWC. Mom dragged me to this church and I was not happy. I missed GA and our church there and my life there and my best friend. But Julie embraced me and she, Kenny, and Pastor Tommy, all welcomed me with open arms. I have now witnessed them doing the same for so many other kids. I have heard the stories..."If it had not been for them...." and I know where those kids come from; I know what that love and sense of family means. I hope these kids in youth now will help Hooper, learn from him, and welcome the new permanent Youth Pastor in the Fall. Change is hard, but I hope they are not distracted from the love and Will of God.
Ok...yoga, packing, and a three hour drive tomorrow, along with a long night...so its bedtime for this Southern girl now :P

**Good night**

I Refuse

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You could stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground
Won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground.
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground.
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I won't back down
Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground

And I won't back down.

..................

It's my time to move on. As this post titles, my life motto is "I Refuse." So much so, that I am planning to have it tattooed on the inside of my left wrist-despite the "career concerns" of those around me. I see it as my true way to live and I want it there as my constant reminder. With that on my wrist I can't cook, wash my hands, do my hair, drive, get dressed, shower, nothing.....without seeing it every time. That's a major thing to see everyday, but it's exactly how I plan to live my life and if those around me don't understand or get it, oh well. I know what the meaning behind it is, and so should they, if they know anything about my past.

Today has been a life-changing day, and really it wasn't that eventful or anything, actually kinda icky this morning, but eh, oh well. I had an MRI with contrast dye done today to see what is up with these stroke-migraines...that was not awful, but not pleasant by any means either. We shall see what the dr's say about this test, for now we wait.

But today really was a day of change for me. I can't describe what did it exactly, I think I have just had enough time thinking. I have had two weeks out of high school now and that has been enough and actually more than enough time to think and soul search. There is only so much solitude and time for thinking that one needs before one goes insane! :) It's been nice to gather my thoughts, but enough is enough. I have thought and thought and pondered and wondered, so now it is time to ACT. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, however, without that first initiation of action, NOTHING will happen. And I cannot, will not, and REFUSE to settle for that nothingness.

I have amazing friends-a few-and a great support system. Things are not easy and I am not in some fantasy world now where I think things are candy and roses. The one I love is still in Iraq until at least October/November, those "brothers" of mine that I cherish so much are still fighting that same war too, family issues are still rough, I still do not have a second job, and I am still not feeling well, and I still have not gotten registered for fall classes, yet, things ARE changing. I cannot always see what God has planned, yet HE promises...."For I know the plans I have for you, DECLARES the Lord, plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope"....Jeremiah 29:11......

Those around me may choose to accept defeat and let life's eternal question of "why?" bring them down, but.......ME?


I REFUSE!!

So....today was interesting. I can't stop thinking about everything. I try to just shut off my mind and enjoy summer but that seems entirely impossible. I walked nearly 11 MILES with Krista today. We had a good girl talk about life and college and such. I think we are gonna start an official Sunday Greenway Walk and meet each week. That will be good. I'm surprisingly not sore. Kinda feelin strange right now, but oh well. Hopefully the MRI on Tuesday will help find out why..... I also started another goal yesterday which was to workout at the gym. I hit the gym for two hours last night and loved every minute of it. Again, somehow I am not sore. I guess I am in better shape than I thought. However, I am struggling with some extreme hunger with nothing healthy sounding remotely apetizing. Danie and I got some errands accomplished the other day which has helped with me feeling caught up, but I still have 7/11 loads of laundry to finish! EEKS!!

I guess I will make this post short and find something to eat and finish some laundry...lalalala

So, today is the day. Today, I will begin the first of many adventures involving this blog. I don't know how many will end up following, reading, criticizing, and/or viewing, but in the end this is more a personal outlet than anything. It will be awesome if people begin noticing the things posted here, but its not mandatory.

Here is what I will post about on this blog:
-My summer goals and how they are panning out
-My fall goals and how that works out
-The wonderful boys over seas that I am so connected to and the trials that come of that
-My goal is to read 30 books and review them, so periodically that will be on here
-Daily briefings on life
-Ups and downs of dealing with Bipolar disorder
-My goal of loosing weight and how that journey is going

So, I guess I can go ahead and list my summer goals and get a head start on them:
-blog daily
-connect with other bloggers
-begin a journal and journal daily
-read, criticize, and post about 30 books(fiction and non-fiction)
-loose 20 pounds and get toned
-finally be at and maintain a healthy weight
-find a new, well-paying job
-travel to California
-travel to see my best friend since 2nd grade-Christina
-have a "Me Day" once every two weeks
-catch up with old friends and truly make a connection
-register for classes at Motlow
-make a "Moving Out" list
-move into new apartment
-hold yard sale
-try belly dancing classes
-sell books back to Hastings
-enter a photo contest
-try at least 6 new things
-have another photo shoot
-take more pictures
-write creatively, daily
-get new phone and contract in June
-make 10 new pieces of jewelry


So...that's about it for today....we shall see what the future holds for this blog....