A Zebra In Pink

Susie Has Been Gone Far Too Long

2010-12-21T10:52:00.001-06:00

Well it has been many many months since I have updated my blog. But, I am back!

It has been a long hard road since last May, but I am making it.

Spending some time today making Christmas cookies, brownies, and peanut brittle with some much loved kids! Hoping this will put me out of my grumpy icky mood.

Good day,
Irish Susie

Plans Make Susie Feel Better

2010-05-22T20:13:00.002-05:00

Susie Homemaker (a.k.a.-ME!!) feels so much better now with having a plan!!
It is so silly how the simple organizing websites make me feel better. I also saw some really awesome calendars and organizers at Target that are on the list to buy. I am still getting my organization plan down, but somehow, someway it will all work out!

Tuesday, I go to meet with what will hopefully be my new school to talk about the Medical Assistant program. :) Work will be a long day, but it will be nice to get there and get my questions answered. If this goes as planned, unless things change, I will be working until 5pm Mon-Fri and Mon-Thurs going to school 6-10:45pm. Yep, the next seven months will be pure hell at times, but SOOOO very worth it! Luckily, it will pretty much be one subject/class at a time, only a month long. Very intense and very hands on, but with a clear goal in sight. This time next year I will be a Medical Assistant with the potential to make 2x what I make a year now :)

I am excited for what all this will bring. I am nervous, but excited. Still need to work on my Summer To Do list, but will be posting it soon!! :)

I never let a sickness disable me, its just not in me to lay around in bed all day :)

Gotta go finish my homemade chicken dinner, until next time..............................

:)

Because yes, my life is this ironic

2010-05-19T19:03:00.000-05:00

So....pretty sure last night I signed my life away for the next 12 months so that I could get this new apartment. Love the apartment, but reallllllyyyyy wanted to move. I check my messages tonight, and had a response from a family needing a nanny out of state. I applied for this job a while back, and well, was shocked to hear a response. I guess I should have known I would be kicking myself, but all will be okay. The next two weeks of being this broke are going to be pretty dang miserable, but I will be okay. God will take care of his children!

The new job is going pretty well, but now I have an opportunity for ANOTHER job closer to home that ironically ends up paying better, and because it is with city schools, I will have breaks when the kids do! I am certainly going to submit my resume and interview with the principal as she requested, but I am nervous. I don't want to change jobs AGAIN, but I would be utterly stupid to say not to this one!

In MAJOR need of some guidance this week.

Refresher On Exhaustion

2010-05-17T19:38:00.002-05:00

So today the world decided that I didn't fully understand the definition of exhausted, so I am getting a refresher on that lovely subject. UGH

Signed my lease today for my new apartment...not my original plans, but eh, it will be okay. Gonna check out the Medical Assisting program at Remington soon and I'll be set. Those eight months of school will be hard but soooo worth it! :) I can't wait to get out of this town, but I suppose another 12 months won't kill me. Plus, I'll have qualifications to get a better job when I need to leave then too. That will be very nice.

I am fully exhausted. Broke. Sad. Irritable. Hungry. Sleepy. Cranky. And want to be left alone for the night. So, I'm going to wash some clothes, eat my dinner, and go to bed. LONG LONG LONG day tomorrow. Grrrrrr.

Susie Homemaker Strikes Again

2010-05-16T12:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to Nana's after work.
We made homemade noodles and yet again, my Susie Homemaker mentality has been sparked. Here is my new list of all the homemade items to learn to make by the end of summer:

-Home Canned Vegetable Soup
-Home Canned Corn
-Home Canned Green Beans
-Home Canned Chili
-Home Canned Tomatoes
-Home Canned Tomato Juice
-Homemade Dill Pickles
-Homemade Bread and Butter Pickles
-Homemade Ravioli
-Homemade Hard Candy
-Homemade Chex Mix Bars
-Homemade Sourdough Bread
-Homemade Peanut Brittle
-Homemade Cheese
-Homemade French Bread

So far its a pretty long list...we shall see what else I manage to add to it. Can't wait! I will be taking pictures for sure....Oh! And soon I will post the Summer Checklist for 2010 and will be updating as to the results of that as I go along.

Time to go apartment hunting. Can't wait! :)

Update on Life

2010-05-15T00:57:00.002-05:00

Well, well, well.

Where to begin?
Once again, it has been far too long since I have blogged, but here I go. I will try to recap briefly.

Armyboy and I really no longer talk...it is rare if we do, and we haven't seen each other in ages. I am really moving past everything with him, though I do miss him slightly at times. I have some wonderful guy friends that I am catching up with and LOVING that! :) I have been spending a lot of time with one of them in particular, and though I am sad he is moving to OK, I am happy for him and his family at the same time. Plus, we have all been spending a lot more time together. In fact, I went over there today, and his mom volunteered to teach me some sewing stuff before they move and even GAVE ME A SEWING MACHINE and some accessories! :) I could not have been more thriled. I have been wanting a sewing machine for as long as I can remember and now she is just giving me one!! :) How wonderful! God really does give us the desires of his heart. Our first project should be a simple apron-I can't wait!

More and more of my Susie Homemaker is coming out. Tomorrow after work (other update coming in a moment on that part of life) I am going to Nana's and we are going to make homemade noodles and some homemade bread. I plan to freeze some noodles and make some for my mom and let her freeze hers as well. I love homemade, organic items and I cannot wait to get started. Nana also says she no longer needs her bread maker so, looks like I am gaining that as well! :) Really a season of blessing around here! I am excited to spend some time with her and gain some more valuable cooking skills to pass down to my kids. When the vegetables come in around mid July, we are going to spend a whole weekend preparing and canning vegetables, soups, and tomatoe sauce. I cannot wait! It has been a couple years, but up until the time I was about 15 or 16, we NEVER used store bought canned vegetables, except canned chili beans. I loved it! Canning is really a lost art, and what a better way to really spend some family time and learn something new?! I am really big on eating and using products that are homemade, so why not take up this endevor as well! Plus, Nana couldn't be happier about getting to spend some time with me , and likewise, I am excited to spend some time with her. I am also planning to take the kids to the Strawberry farm and let them pick again-so much fun!

As for the job situation, I have changed jobs around again. At the moment I work Mon-Fri at a preschool taking care of and teaching some wonderful babies. Its a bit of a long drive, but I do love my job! Even if it isn't what I originally planned, it is still wonderful. I am also working some weekend day shifts as a sever at a restaurant and I also babysit every Tuesday night and some weekends. So yep! That is me working 7 days a week! It is hard, but since school is out, I really need to save up the money and honestly, I like working! Not just because of the money, but also because it keeps me busy.

I also took my fabulous trip back in March! :) I got to see some amazing places and some amazing family. :):):):) Everytime I look at pictures or just think of that trip, I am simply filled with a feeling of completely knowing I am so utterly blessed! We serve an awesome God and He knew just what I needed! While others went to the beach or the mountains for spring break, I took an alternate route. I traveled first to DC/Virginia and spent some time with a part of my family there. Got to see some sights in DC and visited Chinatown. We took tons of pictures just goofing off as well! Definitely didn't get to see all that DC has to offer, however, the wheels in my head are already busy planning a second trip that way to go back again. Not only do I want to see more of DC and the Virginia area, but I really want to spend some more time with that part of my family. I missed them the moment I boarded the plane for my next location! That being said, the next location was Colorado!! :) I went from a tank top and flip flops in DC to 8 inches of snow and cold all in one day when I changed climates! Quite a shock! There was so much snow that unfortunately, we couldn't go up Pike's Peak, however, I told dad that whenever we get his heart condition under control that he and I are going to hike that mountain. I cannot wait! Anyways, spent some time with more family and loved it! They do not watch TV much and recently got rid of cable, so it was very relaxing to just hang out and really get out of the house and being active. The thing I loved most about CO was the fact that the world doesn't stop when they get snow. They simply plow the roads and keep on truckin, so we weren't delayed in the least. I got my chance and went sledding for the first time! WONDERFUL! Quite a workout dragging that sled up the huge hills, WOW! Loved it sooo much. Well, soon after I left, my uncle that lived there was offered a new position for a job in Bentonville, AK, and though it wasn't what he originally had in mind, they are transitioning there now and really enjoying it. It is wonderful to see God blessing and caring for His obedient servants.

The most rewarding part of my vacation was simply the conversation. The Herron family likes to talk and to listen, to consult and advise, and to laugh and giggle. We talked about the silly things. We talked about the serious things that are sometimes really tough to talk about. We talked about our dreams for our future and our excitement for what God has in store for us. We talked about the commonalities of the Herron family and relished in being around family. We talked and we listened, and truly reconnected. It was awesome! Thank you Lord for such a wonderful family!!

That trip will always be memorable to me for so many reasons, one being that I did it all on my own. I worked and saved up all of my money for my plane tickets, food, etc. That in itself was rewarding to savor what I worked so hard for. But also, I flew from TN to DC (stopped in Chicago) and then from DC to CO (stopping once again in Chicago) then CO back home to TN, and did it all on my own. It was my first time flying all by myself, and though it was a bit nerve wracking when leaving TN on that first flight, it got better. I really enjoyed the people watching and the time to myself on the layovers. I met some cool people on the flights to and from too!

Life is always changing around here and I love and hate that all at the same time. I am still trying to move to Birmingham, but it seems as if that might be on hold for the time being. So, until it happens, I am finding a short lease here in TN and am working on design plans for whatever apartment I find here. I really can't wait to see what the future has in store. I am also getting back healthy again and beginning to really develop a schedule for eating and working out. It is hard to make myself eat, much less eat regularly and healthily. Right now I am planning on starting the P90x Program and developing some more healthy cooking habits. I love to cook, but making myself cook for just me is hard. That is going to have to change though!

And now for family! I have a new sister that should be here before the beginning of August!! :) Yes, my parents were VERY shocked to discover they are having a new baby LOL but all is in God's hands and He will provide. My cousin Becca is also having a girl, due on my birthday, towards the end of August. Things are moving right along and the Herron family just keeps on branching out. I cannot wait to see where we will all be in another five or six months! It will be hard at times to be so far away from my new baby sister, but somehow I will make sure to be in her life as much as possible.

Well, summer is rapidly approaching, and like this time last year, I am in the process of making my Summer List....my life of things to do before summer ends...some things on the list are get rid of debt, take a random road trip, visit DC/VA again, finish my High School Blanket, make baby blanket, learn more about sewing and really practice, and various other things. I think I am going to post the list soon and check things off as I accomplish them. Maybe that will help me stick to things.

Alrighty, work will be here before I know it, and I should definitely already be fast asleep!

I leave you with this quote from a favorite song I used to sing in choir entitled "She Sings..."

"She cries for those who have never loved, and for those who....nerver....SING!"

Goodnight

Empowerment

2010-02-01T14:22:00.002-06:00

Some days I don't feel so empowered, and today is one of them. Today, I miss ArmyBoy. Today I was not able to get into the gym, because I was lazy. Today I had to go to my job yet again unhappy and impatient for the new job to hurry up and get here. I can't hold onto that new job just yet, because I am still in the waiting to see if I will even get it. I can almost taste it, but its not quite even mine yet.

I am just overall really frustrated the past few days, but I have one thing to live by that is keeping me hanging on:

"In the end, all will be ok. If its not ok, its not the end."

Posititivity

2010-01-31T00:28:00.002-06:00

Precious Lord Take My Hand

Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I'm tired, I’m weak, I’m lone
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

When my way grows drear precious Lord linger near
When my life is almost gone
Hear my cry, hear my call
Hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

When the darkness appears and the night draws near
And the day is past and gone
At the river I stand
Guide my feet, hold my hand
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I'm tired, I’m weak, Lord I’m worn
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home

This is the song currently playing as I begin to settle into bed.
It has been a rough day, but I will persevere!
Sadness and anger will not overcome me or hold me down for I know He is taking care of me!
The icy, snowy weather here made it impossible to move my car to go to work, but tomorrow, that HAS to change.

Headed to sleep a bit earlier than normal in order to get up early for work so I can thaw my car for about an hour! LOL Who knows how tomorrow will pan out, just gotta have a great attitude and hope for the best!

:)

I leave you with this quote of the day:

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.”-Ziggy

Life

2010-01-29T21:42:00.002-06:00

is full of funny little things, isn't it?

In further update of my life, things have changed massively. I quit both jobs, and found a new one. I have been there about three months now...proves I have been away from blogging for far too long! lol
Things are still going well with the roomies, no matter how many times we all gripe about who should have cleaned the kitchen! haha
I am in my second semester of college now and I haven't died...just yet! lol I have chosen a major and minor that I really feel confident about, though I still want to dally in the more creative side as well. Guess only time will tell.
My cousin Rebecca is due for another visit at the end of February and I could not be more excited!!
I am going to Washington, DC and Colorado Springs, CO at the end of March to see other family members...it seems sooo surreal that I get the opportunity to visit such cool places while seeing my crazy Herron family!! I cannot believe us being this spread apart could ever be such a cool thing. I hope to travel to Chicago to see more family one of these days as well.
I have an application awaiting approval for a new job....yes another new job so soon lol I am taking my time to pray and wait and investigate many job options...the new job would be with a school system, so I would have time off throughout the year, full time benefits, higher pay, and a much more rewarding job. I truly would be helping students learn and that could not be more valuable to me. This job also allows me to be at church each Sunday, visit family and friends more, get an apartment without roommates, save money, travel more, eat better, and go to the gym more often.
Speaking of the gym, I am currently addicted!! I work out about 7 hours or more a week and I LOVE IT!! I love being at the gym and working hard and taking better care of my body. This new trend is not a Resolution nor something I doing for anyone else. This new healthy outlook is for me alone and if others begin to notice, all the better!
I have a crazy sleep schedule due to my odd work hours at the current job, but I am hoping to get that under better control and to also eat better.
In case you are wondering, no, ArmyBoy and I never made it. I originally said he needs his space to make these decisions on his own, and that is precisely what is happening. I got my closure, and the baby is due any day now. He will have to make the decision on his own. I know he is not happy with her, he has made that evident to the world, but he is a big boy and he will have to learn what is real and what is made up.
I am currently content with waiting. God made it clear to me that now is not the right time, so I have to move on with my life and get going on the things that are important for me!
I no longer live in grief and sorrow. I no longer go out all the time, nor am I constantly surrounded by people. I live a more solitary life now and I am really happy with that. Not to say that I do not enjoy time with my friends, I do, but I do not feel the urgent need to get out all the time anymore. I am taking a haitus from relationships at the moment and working on focusing on my goals....speaking of goals, I guess the newest ones should be outlined now.....
--GOALS--
*All A's in all four classes this semester
*Gym minimum of 4-5 hours a week
*Loose weight and be toned and ready for the Music City Half Marathon in April
*Have a swimsuit ready body by May
*Attain new job
*Aquire more appropriate sleep routine
*Do something creative daily
*Meet new people
*March trip to see family
*Save up to move again

These are some very high goals, but I know with hard work and reliance on God, I cannot do anything! He is my strength and He enables me to be "More than a "Conqueror"!!

School is beginning to get hectic, so the OCD in me is insisting I plan and organize for the semester. That is what I shall do now, then hopefully some shut eye in the near future!!

I leave you with my quote of the day:

“If you want to make good use of your time, you've got to know what's most important and then give it all you got.”--Lee Lacocca

The Zebra Is Back....

2010-01-28T23:35:00.002-06:00

So things are changing for this Zebra in Pink. I know it has been quite a while since there has been a posting from this lone creature, but the atmosphere around here has been more like a crazy jungle than ever before.

I hope to get back to daily blogging again-should be a good thing for my health and sanity.

I am back in the gym and working a lot. Hoping to get a new this new job soon. I am putting it in God's hands and doing my part. It really feels like a good position for me. It just really feels right, but I guess we will see what happens.

I have made my official Air Force Decision. Come my college graduation, I will also be commissioned as a 2nd LT in the US AF. :)

Times have been rough and honestly, I wallowed in some self pitty and depression for quite a while. I am now out of that pit and climbing my way to higher ground. I created a new positive attitude and am truly working on making me happy. I am working towards a new job, new body, new friendships, new priorities, new hair, new apartment, etc. All of it is new. My attitude is amazing things will happen when an amazing mindset is in place!

I will be posting my goals and upcoming news on here and hope to be back on daily as I mentioned before. The zebra has returned.

Today's Random Musings

2009-09-17T23:50:00.002-05:00

It is time for bed for me. Much too late!!

I had a long night in my class tonight. I guess I should explain that I am actually in college now, not just moved out. Its been great so far. So missed assignments, some crazy crunch times, some super crazy stress, but now, I am ok.

A friend posted this quote on Facebook and I simply had to post this on here. This is really how I feel these days....

There comes a time when u have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! Take me...or leave me. Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I ...don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.

I had a great chat with my stepmom on the way home from class and she even helped me with my essay when I got home.

Class was crazy tonight!! Two hours of grammar=blah!! I hate grammar exercises and review, but I do suppose they are necessary. ICK!! We learned we have to have an entire book read in a month and then we will be writing a paper over it. We also learned we have a different essay to start work on this week. The prewriting is due next week and then the final is due in three weeks. I actually find that reasonable and doable.

I still need to get that book and my math online book. I have until the 27th to catch up on my math assignments I missed, however, I have to have the other english book well before then! I am going to call the lady in the morning about the paper I need to sign to release my scholarship money to me, and then within 3-5days of her recieving that signature, I will be able to access my money. Which means I will get all my money back for books and such. That will be wonderful!!

I have so much to say, but no energy to do that tonight. More homework and stuff with baby Greer tomorrow. Now I say goodnight ya'll. This southern gal is headed to dreamland!

Muah!!

Rebecca and Kendall Visit the Boro :)

2009-09-17T13:59:00.002-05:00

My cousin Rebecca and her daughter came for a visit this past weekend. What a wonderful time we had. Jaime and I cleaned and such the night before and then on Saturday morning, my fabulous cousins arrived to see me! :) Now, they also needed to pick up a playhouse they had purchased, but had been meaning to stop in and see me. It was truly great to see them.

Once they arrived Sat morning, we had lunch at the apartment, got them settled in, and hung out for a bit. Then, around 3pm, we headed over to the Discovery Center in town. Since they were closing in two hours, they let us in for free! That was truly a blessing!! After we played there and showed little Kendall all there was to do, we all decided we simply HAD to go down the big slide that connects the two floors of the center. Even us big girls LOVED that part.

We then went to eat at my favorite Mexican restaurant in town and had a really awesome and yummy dinner. We decided to ride around and also to go to Walmart. We had so much fun just paroosing the premises and just goofing off. We also stopped and got some lottery tickets. None of us one, but it was still a lot of first time fun! :)

After the day's adventure, we came back to settle in . We all got in our pjs, and layed down to get baby girl Kendall to sleep. Once she was asleep around 930 or so, Jaime, Rebecca, and I went in the livingroom to hang out. We did not plan it, but ended up staying up till 2am! We had so much fun! It was great to have some girl time and just hang out.

The four of of us got up pretty early Sunday morning. We all hung out and took our time getting ready. We dropped Jaime off at her house, then went to Greenbrier to pick up the playhouse Rebecca bought. We got lost along the way, but still had fun. The wonderful day ended with the three of us having a yummy dinner at Cracker Barrel and then a walk around the apartment grounds.

All in all it was a great time spent with family. I love them so much and miss them sooo much. I cannot wait to see them again. I do hope to see them in a month or so, if not, it looks as though it will be Christmas time again before we all get together.

I'm just so full....

2009-09-17T13:54:00.002-05:00

of emotions, energy, thoughts, and things to do.

So much is going on. Far too much to put in one posting and it all make sense. So, today I will begin posting several updates to explain everything in detail.

Today, I am missing class and my interview(see other posts) due to rain! ICK!! Rain just simply gets in my way. I do plan on emailing in my essay and I also sent an email informing my teacher that I will be absent.

One of my roommates, the one I have known for many years, her family's area of the county is completely flooding. Complete with the helicopter rescues and requested evacuations. Schools are shutting down and roads have been and/or are closing. This is a nasty time. I am ready for pretty fall weather, not this icky crap.

So on to the next topic I go....

Late Update

2009-08-31T11:36:00.003-05:00

So it has been way too long since I have updated. I guess I will catch ya up today.

I have celebrated my bday, I got my tattoo, I moved into the apartment, and I got a second job. Life seems more complicated than ever, yet peaceful at the same time. The apartment is coming along very nicely. I love my roommates and it seems to be going very well with them too! :)

Tonight will be the first night at my new job. I am very very hesitant of this. I am taking another babysitting job, but it will be every Monday night, and I am still nannying Mon-Fri during the day and also babysitting on the weekends. I need to find something else to do! LOL But it is pretty easy money and something I do well. Mondays will be crazy for a while though. Heck, my life is gona be crazy. Monday I work 730-330, then 5-11. Tuesdays I work 730-330, hit the gym for a bit, then choir practice 630-8. Wednesdays I work 730-330, then go to Zumba and Yoga at the gym from 530-815. Thursdays I work 730-330, then hit the gym and run errands. Fridays I work 730-330 and have Zumba at 530-630. Saturdays I have Zumba class too, but I probably won't always go. Sundays I have choir at 8am then church and such and then to bed to rest to do it all over again. HAHA This should definately prove interesting. I am excited about it though.

We made my headboard for my bed and put that up. It looks super cute!! :) I got to go to Outback with my parents and friends for my birthday and that was awesome!! I had a great time!! :) I loved getting to see all my close friends. I also had a great cake!! It was made to look like a Tiffany box! :) It was adorable!! It also tasted yummy haha.

So this is a long post to update, but I also wanted to share some quotes and lyrics today.

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?
~Dr. Seuss

There are those, I know, who will say that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is the American dream. ~Archibald MacLeish

Ours is the only country deliberately founded on a good idea. ~John Gunther

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. ~Cicero

and here is a song that I also like today....

Avenged Sevenfold- Crossroads

I've been traveling for so long
So lost till I stumbled upon
Two roads in front of me
I had to take my time

To the right I could see a church
I took a step in that direction first
But to the left there was a watering hole
Where they were whiskey drunk
And now that's where I wanna pray

So far down here just holding on

[Chorus:]
If I was perfect
Than this would be easy
Either road is plausible on both I could drown
I walk through the center
With no rules to guide me
I realize it's difficult
But now I can see

There's gotta be another way to go
a way that's much more feasible
A combination of all these lies
to set your path without choosing a side

I make decisions one at a time
And no, I never say I'm always right
I'm confident that when I stand on my own
You'll see the truest form of a man
when I'm shining through

So far down here just holding on

[Chorus]

Oh, I hear them now
All the religious rage

(Anger I see)
(Anger I see)
(Anger I see now)

The left isn't better
It's just more of the same.
Condemning all these people
For what they believe
I'll climb to the top of their mountain again
No one is going to save me this way
And the closer to the top I get the more they can aim
But I'm not you

I may not be perfect
But I've always been true
I may not be worthy in your eyes
Climb up from the bottom
For the last time
The last one, the last one,
The last time

[Chorus]

Sleepy Baby

2009-08-20T08:53:00.002-05:00

Today is going to be a long day. I have a sleepy, kinda icky feeling baby boy today and then lots to do after work. I have to make my headboard for the new place and also pack for the trip for Bama. We leave tomorrow. So tomorrow, after work I have to run straight across town to the bank, then pick up Danielle so we can leave by 445. I hope to have us in Bama by 730 for dinner and a movie. We are going to see the Ugly Truth. I am sure I will blog a movie review after the weekend.

I am excited about making this new headboard. It is a project that I desperately needed to get finished. I think I will bring the picture frames with me tomorrow so that I can paint them while baby boy is sleeping at naptime. I need to get them all painted and ready for the new place. I need to make a total to do list for the next week so I make sure and get everything done in time to move.

I am sooo ready for some best friend time in Bama!! :)

Lots to do in the coming week, but oh so worth it!!

2009-08-19T14:38:00.002-05:00

Where does one go from here?
How do you pick up and change everything you once knew? I was so sure of everything, but now I have my doubts. I still trust God is in control, but its less about if it will go as He plans, but how it will happen. I want to know how things are going to happen. I want to know if I am wasting my time and should be doing something else.

Well, I leave for Bama on Friday with the best friend :) I am sooo ready for this break. I don't want to be bothered by anything else either. I just want time with my friends and family. I am ready for my tattoo and to dye my hair. Its gonna be a good change. I think I will go get a second hole in my ear too. Lots of changes coming my way :) He can choose to be a part of it or not. Not much else I can do.

I love my job! This is truly a blessing :) I love it. I love having time for me while he sleeps, but getting to play mommy all day. Things will get a bit hectic whenever the other three boys are home all day on breaks from school, but I really don't think they will be that bad. They really are well behaved kids, just sometimes need some help focusing. I have also found another prospective job that one be one to two nights a week. It wouldnt be tons of money, but certainly would help with some extra money to spend each week for eating out and such. This income I have now will pay the bills, gas, and groceries, but doesn't leave much room for much else. I just want to be able to save and have money to spend on things I want and need. Things are going well financially and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I just simply wish that things would go a bit better in the relationship department. Eventually all will be ok.

Have a blessed day ya'll!!

2009-08-15T20:57:00.002-05:00

So I have apparently fallen off this whole blogging bandwagon lately lol But I am back!! :)

Met my new roommate today and she seems really cool. Getting my first tattoo in exactly a week from today. I am soooo ready and soooo excited. We have a bunch of plans for my 18th bday and I am very very happy!!

Things seem to be going well at the new job. It is really an easy job. I feed him breakfast, we watch clifford then run around and play. Then its snack time and then down for a nap by 10am. He sleeps till one or later then we do lunch and play till I leave at 330. I love watching him and playing with him. He is going to be really fun to teach and watch grow up. I can tell the other three boys will be a handful when summer and other breaks are here, but what can ya do? They seem respectful, just happy little boys that need to be kept under control. Its gonna go fine. I just know it will.

I move in just under two weeks. :) Things are moving so fast. I never thought it would get here,it always seemed to drone on and on. Now, I will have a tattoo and darker hair in a week, my own apartment with two cool friends in less than 2 weeks, and I have a really fun and reliable job. I am also looking into some other extra jobs too, just for financial security. School seems to be put on hold, because it is taking a while to get my transcripts and SAT scores sent, so I am not sure that I will get to start in the fall. I hope to take some online classes, but I guess we will see if that will happen. I need it to happen.

The faster things move, the crazier they get, but I am learning to embrace all the changes and go along for the ride. I still have my moments where things are really hard to deal with, but I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends, a great job, a nice car, a good, albeit crazy, family, and now my own apartment. I need my ArmyBoy too though :(

I still really feel like this is the real deal with him, but I am also so scared. I get hurt everytime, and I have gotten hurt by him before. So, my decision isn't clear yet. I don't know what I am going to do. I do have some sort of interest in someone else, so I plan to hang out with them, and see where it leads. I truly feel like maybe Army Boy needs to make these decisions without me around and I need to see other people. I think we will both find in a few months that we need to be with each other. I know it is real, and I know he feels it too, but I know this will take time. Not sure where to go from here. I have to trust that God will take care of it all. He has proven that He is watching over me in all other areas, so why wouldn't He take care of me in this area of life?

Well, I need to get off for tonight. I will try to get back to a regular schedule of blogging again.

Goodnight

Fine Arts, Disney World and Daytona Beach

2009-08-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

So here is my excuse for not posting. I was on my much needed trip to Orlando for Fine Arts, and though we were in the hotel at night and in the mornings, we were all so drained or rushing around to leave again, that I had no time to do much more than a FB update. So here I am again. Returned home, sun burnt and exhausted, from my trip yesterday evening. I did some tax free shopping with my cousin and had some yummy dinner.

The trip was awesome. I wasn't sure how it would go, considering I am not close to the people I went with and considering I was sick, and turns out got sicker lol

Here's the run down of the week. We drove to Macon, GA Sunday and spent the night there. Then we left bright and early Monday morning to arrive in Orlando at approximately 1pm (EST) for lunch, checkin at the hotel, walmart run, and then we had some time to get ready to go to the Opening Service and then ate a very very late (1030pm late) dinner at IHOP after service was over. We got up early Tuesday and went to compete, we had a quick lunch in the convention center, competed some more, ran all over the place to make it on time for everyone's competitions, and then went to the hotel to relax a but before having a yummy dinner at Olive Garden . We relaxed and swam at the pool and just had some fun. Wednesday, we had competitions, a nice lunch at Golden Corral and then went to compete some more, went to the hotel to ready for the service and then they went to service. I ended up staying at the hotel for Wed night service and late night dinner, cause I had some stomach bug and was pretty miserable. Thursday we got up and went to Disney World. We were there for 12 hours!! It was a great day, albeit hot and I was still a bit sick from various issues. I still smiled and had a good time though!! :) We all crashed as soon as we got back late Thursday night. Friday we were able to sleep in a bit, then we went to Daytona Beach. That was all fun till some of us, especially myself, realized how burnt we were, and then 30 mins before we were scheduled to leave, one of our guys broke his leg on his sand board. They took him to the hospital, got a cast and all that, then we headed back to Orlando. Poor guy was miserable. :( I was so burnt that night that I didn't go to service, and many others didn't go either. It was a good lazy night, but I did have a fever and the shakes from the sun burn. I managed though. We all got up at like 430 am and packed up and we left the Sunshine State about 6am (EST) and headed home. We stopped about every two hours, including breakfast and a yummy Mexican lunch in Macon, GA. Those of us in my van slept 80% of the way coming back home, so overall it went pretty fast for us. I think total driving time when you cut out time for lunch, breakfast, gas, and potty breaks, was only 9/9.5 hours or so. It wasn't a bad trip at all.

So there is my week people. I finish my last two days at my current nanny job tomorrow and tuesday, then Wednesday, I go to work for my new family as their nanny. It will be a sad, joyous, busy, and exciting week. I am making lots of new changes these next few weeks and months, but I am making them for me and noone else.

I am not sure where things stand with Army Boy or what will be, but I know what I can do to better myself.

2009-08-02T00:53:00.002-05:00

Where do I begin tonight? Tonight is another really crappy night. I feel really icky, I haven't talked to him at all today and only briefly yesterday and I am not holding up too well. I also leave for Orlando in 13 hours and I have not started packing.ah!! I think I am going to sleep in, skip church, and pack for Orlando in the morning. I am just hurting so bad. I think I will make my packing list and sleep. I need sleep. The plan was to stay awake so I will sleep the whole way to Macon tomorrow, since I hate driving long distances, but that simply isn't going to happen. I think I will sleep until seven and then get up, pack, shower, clean, find my meds and such, and then meet them at the church at 130 to leave. I will take meds to knock me out and sleep that way. I just can't stay up any longer. It's killing me. So much for my new normal sleeping schedule.

My side is killing me thanks to this dang cyst...ugh....

I need to sleep now. I pray that I do and that I get everything done tomorrow. I am very excited for this trip, albeit a bit nervous,but oh well. I hope I am able to talk to him some while I am there. I don't know how much I will be online when he is, considering the odd times we are at the hotel, and when we are there, I usually head to bed.

Gah, I miss him so bad and I wanna know why he hasn't been on today. Please God let him be online tomorrow and email me. I need to talk to him.

goodnight

Meaningful Quotes

2009-08-01T00:49:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. Tomorrow I have to pay rent, cause I didn't have a chance to go today and its technically due tomorrow anyways. After I pay rent, I am going to Zumba with Katie! :) Sooooo happy to be working out again!! :) Gonna kick this cyst's butt and get healthy on my own!

I don't have much to say tonight. So, here are some meaningful quotes I thought ya'll might enjoy.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.
-- Helen Keller

Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-- Groucho Marx

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.
-- Orlando A. Battista

You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.
-- Mary Tyler Moore

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly."
- Robert F. Kennedy

"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.”
- Henry Ford

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
- Redd Foxx

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.
- Elizabeth Gilbert

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy
- Walter Anderson

((these last few about trust hit home for me in particular. I know from experience how difficult it is))

BUT this one I wish for all to read in depth, it is one I read and pondered on alongside my Senior English class. I encourage you to read more into the text this came from as well. There were many things I didn't enjoy that we read in that English class, but I learned so much from all the things I let in and was open to. Everything we read got a chance in my mind, even if it was only one chance and then was pushed aside. I ask, challenge, and encourage everyone to find new texts to read that are, in reality, old. I learned more about humanity from the old texts and quotes then I have from the new, because the old showed that, in their heart and souls, humans have been the same in every society all through the centuries. Read. Ponder. Experience. Challenge. THINK

''Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.''-Keats

Goodnight all.

Dr and My Job

2009-07-31T11:45:00.002-05:00

So the doctor called yesterday. The news is not good, but I am not dying either. I will be fine, but knowing what it is isn't helping with the pain. It turns out that my thyroid is fine, but my vitamin D and B levels are really low and I have also developed an ovarian cyst on my right side. THAT was NOT the way I wanted my day to begin, but what can ya do? *Shrugs shoulders**

After I recieved that news, I went with my stepdad to get the materials to make my new headboard. Today, I need to get the batting and fabric and beads for it, but other than that, we got all the materials. I am soo excited to see how its going to turn out!! :)

I also got a chance to go eat a yummy dinner with my one of my best friends before my interview. We ate and went shopping, and it was wonderful! I love her to death and its been wayy too long since we had a Camino's night! :) Good times!!

Once I finished hanging out with her, I went to my final interview for the new nanny job, and guess what?!?!?!?! I GOT THE JOB!! :) I will finish nannying for the two kids I currently keep on the 11th and then I will begin the new job on the 17th!! I am going to be very sad to not be seeing my current kiddos so often, but I will still see them I have been assured. It worked out perfectly, because their mom recieved a new position as a Breast Cancer Specialist at the hospital, allowing her to help sooo many people and to be home more with her kids. I don't feel so bad for changing jobs now that I know they will be with their mom and not some stranger!! :)

God is really working some great things in my life!! I can't possibly thank Him enough! Even when I am in pain and sick, God is working on other things. He knew just how to take my mind off of the pain yesterday.

Today I go to make my first rent payment!! Go me!! LOL I feel like a big girl!!

My birthday weekend is all set, and so is my health regime that is coming up. I have a whole new "Healthy Me" plan to start and I am actually excited about it. I look forward to my classes at the gym and my yoga time here at the house. I look forward to eating better and feeling better!

I plan to gradually cut things out this weekend and next week on my trip, then completely restrict everything for the week following my trip. After that week, I will slowly add more complex foods back into my diet. While watching my calorie and fat intake, I will be focusing mainly on my vitamins, yoga, and working out. My "reward" will be my birthday weekend.

My birthday weekend is going to be amazing!! :) Thursday I move into the apartment then out to dinner at Outback with some amazing friends and family. Then, Friday, after Danielle and I get off work at three, we are heading to Bama to have some girl time!! :) Friday night were eating dinner and going out to the Sundance Saloon to ride the bull and have some fun with Katie, Dayle, Mary Ann, and hopefully, Rebecca. Gonna be a great night, complete with riding the bull in cowboy boots!! Woohoo!! Lots of pics will be taken of that for sure! LOL Saturday morning we're going to get mine and Katie's tattoos and then Danielle and I are getting our hair done after that. We plan to go out to eat at Ricatoni's-my favorite place to eat down there, and just have some silly fun. Sunday I want to go see my Grandpa and spend some time out in nature. I want to take lots of pictures. I will be taking LOTS of pictures the whole weekend. We're coming home Sunday in time to get some rest before we both head back to work on Monday morning. I am soooo excited. It's been a while since Danielle and I have been to Bama, and its a much needed trip. We both need a break. I was a bit worried how my 18th birthday would work out, but it seems it will be quite the birthday! :)

When I come home from that weekend, Nikki and I are going to the horse show in Shelbyville as we have for the last few years lol Gonna be a fun time!! :)

I better get off of here and get some lunch and start getting ready. I have a lot to do today!

Live Daily

2009-07-29T07:01:00.002-05:00

Why do we all settle for mediocre?? Why do we allow things to be set in stone and unchanging??
Why do many of us never strive for something because someone tells us we can't possible reach our goals?? It seems I am thinking about this a lot lately. I know I am at a point in life where I am considered to be too dreamy and impractical; where it seems we think we can do anything. However, I must ask, why do we let life's obstacles interfere with our belief that we can do anything, and for those of us smart enough to realize, that we can do anything with God on our side? Why do we allow ourselves to be pushed down, stomped on, and forget all we know in Him?

I am finding myself in a constant state of feeling like all I do is dream. I am sick of dreaming and I am ready for things to happen. However, I must take my dreaming and planning and throw them out the window. I need to let God take control, which I admit, for someone as OCD and controlling as I am, is very very difficult.

Today is going to be a very busy day, but first I will say how thankful I am for yesterday and all it entails. I was blessed enough yesterday to receive an Oovoo video call from a great guy friend, Tony, who is stationed in Iraq right now. I think I took advantage of seeing him so much before he left, and I miss him sooo much right now. It was sooo nice to see his smiling face and hear him too! It was MUCH better than a FB chat session like we normally have. I love him like a big brother, and I cannot wait till he is home and back partyin and hangin out with us all! Please keep him in your prayers, for things are quite difficult at the moment.

So....back to today. It is going to be one heck of a day, and tomorrow even more so. Today I am nannying of course, but I am also going to be making some packing lists, going to the bank, church, fine arts meeting, and tryin to do something special for the kiddos on their last day of summer with me. I can't believe its over already! This summer is almost over, yet it feels like it just began. Tomorrow I have rehearsal, packing, planning, errands, going to the gym, and my second interview for this new nanny position. Let us pray I get the job tomorrow! I need to start it as soon as possible.

Tomorrow night I also plan to begin my 30 day habit training to beginning a normal sleep pattern that works for me consistently. If I get this new job, it will be a 730-3, normal, everyday, and consistent job and I need to be prepared. I need to be prepared to be working on online classes and taking care of an 18month old little boy, along with going to other evening classes after work. I will have a crazy day nearly everyday of my life, as I may also continue keeping the kids I currently nanny for a few days a week after school, if it works out. I really hope that is possible.

I am trusting God will have His way in my life with Army Boy, moving out, working, and school. I am trusting Him with my entire life.

Have a blessed day!

Cute Stuff and the Doctor

2009-07-27T18:35:00.003-05:00

Today has been a long one, and I definitely ready for bed!

Mom and I went to my dr appointment for the ultrasound, grabbed some yummy and much needed lunch at Panera since I couldn't eat for 12 hours before the ultrasound, and then went shopping. We got a lot of cute and practical things for the apartment. I am really excited!! :)

I still do not feel well, but hopefully these tests will answer some questions. I am going to cook some dinner, maybe go for a walk, and then head to bed. I am calling it an early night, mainly because I am hurting and exhausted, but also because I have to work in the morning.

I work tomorrow and wednesday, rehearsal and interview on thursday, then shopping and lunch with Nikki Friday. She is also gonna spend the night and were going to watch movies and have some much needed girl time!! :) I am very excited!! Saturday I will hopefully be babysitting and doing all my packing for Orland09!! :)

We leave Sunday and I am sooo ready but sooo not prepared packing wise lol I still need to go to the bank, finish laundry, and pack all my stuff.

Tomorrow in between taking care of the kids, I will be making all my many lists for everything I need to pack and do and all that mess.

Sooooo looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight. Army Boy would be so proud. Haha!!

:D

*Goodnight*

Pain

2009-07-26T11:45:00.002-05:00

This pain in my stomach is no fun. I have missed yet another Sunday morning, and I also called out of work Friday night. So, for those that think I am simply skipping out on church, you are wrong!

I am going to find some medicine to take, and I do hope it helps, because like it or not, I have rehearsal at four and then the show at six, and well, I kinda can't miss it. I am praying God takes the pain away. I have an ultrasound in the morning and also an interview tomorrow. I also have my final interview for the new nanny position I want. I do hope it is in God's will and I get it, because I really need this job. It appears to be a blessing straight from God's hands. I cannot wait to meet the kids and hopefully bond with them in a way that will enable me to get this position.

I also need to pack for Orland09! We leave a week from today :) I do hope I am in less pain, and I am praying and believing God is going to fix these issues.

This week is going to be a busy one, and depending on how I feel, I may add hitting the gym three or four times to my list of madness. This will be a trying week, but I know I can make it! I can't believe that Nikki and I move into our new apartment in just 31 days!! :) So exciting, yet also a bit scary. I am trusting in God that everything is going to play out the way it is meant to. I am also praying God's will in the situation with Army Boy. I do believe this situation has made us closer, and I think it is all going to work out when he returns home to the States. It is so trying and stressful right now, but I am working on my faith to carry me through.

Off to take some medicine and try to get some things accomplished today. Wish me luck!!

Failure

2009-07-25T12:57:00.002-05:00

You know those days where you just want to crawl in bed and not come out? Where you feel like everything you say gets you into yet another argument and you don't seem to have the right words to help anyone? Where you feel so overwhelmed by all you need to accomplish, and feel there just isnt enough time or money? Where you feel like true happiness may never come and you are sick of waiting? Where you just can't seem to find yourself? Where you feel like you aren't being faithful and trusting in God as you know you should be?

These are all great descriptions of how my life is going today. I just can't seem to come out on top! I am praying and trying to trust God, but somedays, some days it is just really difficult.

I should find out by the end of this coming week, or the beginning of the next one if I get my new job, and hopefully, if I get it, I will begin work the following week. I am very excited about this opportunity. If I get this job, it will be enough money to tithe, pay rent, put some in savings, and live day to day with some fun. I think it is going to work out, and I keep praying it does.

I am trying to follow God's lead and just go with the flow of things.

This next month will be insane, but I am going to try to find some fun in the mix of it all too!! :)

Have a blessed day!!

Cleaning and Packing

2009-07-23T19:11:00.002-05:00

So today I have been way too lazy. It is 7pm and I feel I have accomplished almost nothing. I have a super super super super long list of things to accomplish in just a month, with me being gone six days of that month's time. I have a car full of things for the new apartment and a garage that is prolly half full of my crap. Tomorrow morning is the yard sale. I still need to post the signs. Ugh!! I am trying to plan out things and get them all accomplished, but it is very overwhelming. I have some fun projects to do, but I also have nights like tonight, in which I need to clean the whole house from top to bottom, and also finish preparing for the yard sale. Tonight will be another all-nighter-hopefully I will get some things accomplished in all this time!!

Things just keep getting better and better in the relationship corner, though I will admit I am still very very scared and hesitant. I am not so used to things going well, so I am having a bit of a hard time adjusting to this new found "goodness" in my life. I know God is working in His time and in His manner, and I am doing my best to begin to really trust in Him and His will. Things are going pretty well so far. We communicate better than ever-both army boy and I and God and I.

I am such a type-A, OCD, list maker, that all of this should be fun for me-the organizing, shopping, planning, cleaning, packing, list making, yada yada. It should be fun for me, but I am not finding it so fun. I need to cook dinner still, but don't feel I have the time really. I was hoping to hit the gym too today. Oh well. I haven't been able to get ahold of my cousin who is "supposed" to be coming over, so who knows what is up with that.

Okay, Okay. I need to stop this blogging and facebooking and get back to work! Lots to do tonight. Wish me luck!!

I'm Gonna Be Ready This Time

2009-07-21T14:12:00.002-05:00

Today has been interesting. I applied for another nanny position and now I have a phone interview in ten minutes or so. I am excited. The kids go back to school soon and I need something else. I also have another blessing to count, some unknown source paid over 300 dollars that was left of my Orlando Competition trip in two weeks. I honestly didn't know where the money would come from on such short notice. God knew I didn't really have three hundred for that, four hundred for rent on the first, and spending money for the trip-well not and have any money left over. God is truly taking care of me. I have many blessings and though life is not perfect, I am trying to be content with how life is at the moment.

Things also just seem to be getting more and more interesting with Army Boy as well. With everything that has happened, he is amazed I am still talking to him and still so close to him. I will admit I am amazed too. This is not typical behavior for me. Like I keep saying and believing, this is a God thing. I just know it. He has a few hard decisions to make, and I keep praying that he will make the right choice for all of us. I just have to keep praying.

Things are looking up and God is taking care of me, He is taking care of us all.

Off to call for my phone interview. Wish me luck!!

2009-07-15T21:02:00.002-05:00

I need a hair cut, and BAD!! I also need my eyebrows waxed and I need my nails and toenails redone! I can do the nails and toes myself, but not the other two lol So I think it is high time for some girly me time!!

I am still very sick and worn down, and doctors still do not know what is wrong with me. I will be going to yet another doctor's appointment next week. So, until they can tell me what is wrong, I will be trying to continue on with life. I only have so much energy each day, and I have to spend a great deal of my time in bed, but at least I am able to get up and do a few things each day. I think I am also going to be hitting the gym again as well, though I will be taking it very easy of course. I know I should be taking it easier than I am, but I absolutely cannot stand to be laying around in thi messy house!

Tonight, although I am out of energy, I am going to clean my room, do some laundry and make a few lists. Tomorrow I am going to tackle the bathroom, calling the college about my classes and make an appointment, calling the AI and canceling all of that mess, pick out pictures for framing, more laundry, sweep up the kitchen, vacuum a bit, make some calls about a few jobs, get yard sale items in order, mow the yard, and then have some "me time" and relax! It will be a very hectic day, but very needed! I am sitting in my messy room, looking around, and it is literally driving me crazy!! I cannot take this crazyness!! I work friday, monday and tuesday, then I will rest, but until all this is done, and I have my yard sale, I cannot rest! I am going nuts!!

Wish me luck that I will get all of this mess done and still have some amount of energy.

OOH!! I almost forgot my most imprtant update!! I now have my apartment!! :D I am sooo sooo ready!! I will be sharing it with two other girls, but I am sooo excited!! :) I found really cute stuff to decorate with today, and will find more over the next few weeks I am sure!!

Time to fold some laundry, make some lists, and do a bit of cleanin!! Night!!

Illness overbearing

2009-07-12T11:32:00.002-05:00

Again, I was doing so great with blogging everyday, then I slacked off :( oh well. Time for some updates I suppose....

I will begin with my current predicament. I somehow have Mono and my chronic bronchitis is acting up again-luckily, only mildly at this point. I wasn't going to go to the dr, but thanks to Raymond, I did. It is a good thing too, cause with mono, I can't be going to the gym, lifting heavy things or anything like that. For now I am still babysitting, going to rehearsal and today's family gathering, but I am not working this coming week, nor am I really doing a whole lot of anything this coming week. I am going to gradually get my room clean and all my laundry done, but I am spacing that out over the entire week, so that I do not get too worn out or risk damaging my spleen due to heavy lifting. I really don't like having this mess cause I like to be up and going and that's not possible with this crap.

Also, since we are midway through the summer, I decided to relist my goals and see where I stand. I know just from looking at it that I need to do some work lol So here we go:

-blog daily**okay, okay, so I kinda have been doing this lol**
-connect with other bloggers
-begin a journal and journal daily
-read, criticize, and post about 30 books(fiction and non-fiction)**this number changed to 20**
-loose 20 pounds and get toned
-finally be at and maintain a healthy weight
-find a new, well-paying job
-travel to California**This trip was cancelled due to illness**
-travel to see my best friend since 2nd grade-Christina
-have a "Me Day" once every two weeks
-catch up with old friends and truly make a connection
-register for classes at Motlow
-make a "Moving Out" list
-move into new apartment
-hold yard sale
-try belly dancing classes
-sell books back to Hastings
-enter a photo contest
-try at least 6 new things
-have another photo shoot
-take more pictures
-write creatively, daily
-get new phone and contract in June
-make 10 new pieces of jewelry

--Items highlighted in blue are items I have completed--

So as we can see, I need to get motivated and begin to get more accomplished.
This will be fairly short today, due to me resting and trying to get ready for the long day ahead.
Have a good day all!!

Apple Juice and Pizza Rolls

2009-07-07T23:11:00.001-05:00

So here it is 11:15pm and I am just now eatin my dinner of pizza rolls and apple juice! LOL I am so silly, I know. My eating and sleeping schedules are still very weird. I apparently made mister army boy by me not going to the doctor for some issues and for not sleeping well. He thinks I have made myself this way and that I can't take care of a family if I don't take care of myself. However, Danie and I talked about this and decided that it is easier for a woman to seperate her needs from that of a family, where as a man's logic is that they go hand-in-hand. And, as much I hate to admit it, the guys have something there. We do need to stop neglecting ourselves a women and realize that we must take care of ourselves in order to efficently raise our families and care for our friends, but you know, I believe many of us start this self-neglecting early in our adulthood and rarely grow out of it. I am making a goal to change that for myself, so that is going on my list for the summer. I am already making small changes to incorporate "me time" and have also made a dr appointment for Friday. I am still going to work these two days, but I will take it easy and rest mostly. Hopefully I will be up to hitting the gym Monday with Katie and hitting it extra hard on Thursday at kickboxing as well. I would like to go to kickboxing this Thursday with Katie like we plan, but I am not sure I will yet. It is going to be a long rest of the week.

Tonight I need to somehow sleep without oversleping for work. Tomorrow, I nanny and am taking the kids to church. Thursday, I also nanny and would like to take them on another fun day, but idk if that will happen or not. Friday I am going to the Dr, going to talk to people at Motlow, and then resting. Saturday I am helping my aunt and taking my cousins to the pool at 10am-that should be interesting but fun! I know I will have lots of pics! :) I am soo happy my cousins are back and close to us now!! :):) Saturday night I know I will want to go out, but I will honestly probably just watch a movie or read and relax. I am reserving that night for a light workout and some good ol me time and baking!! :) Sunday will be a long, but very happy day. I have choir rehearsal at 8am then 1st service at 830, then Sunday School at 10, then sing 2nd serive at 11, then headin to my Nana's house for a family gathering-all the aunts, uncles, greats, and cousins :) Nana is makin a yummy lunch and after I eat and visit and take lots of pics with all of them about 3ish, I am heading back to the church for one of my last final Fine Arts practices ever! I am both happy and sad about this being my last chance this year. :/ After a very long day, I believe I am staying for church at 6pm, then watchin Army Wives, eatin dinner, and havin some sunday night girl time with Danie :):) I love those sunday nights!! They are very good for us. We talk about a lot, and just have some plain ol fun! :)

I think I may go visit my Dad Tuesday-Thursday and also try to see my cousin and also my aunt and uncle! I am going to try and take advantage of my time off work next week and just relax, but see some family.

Things look so busy when I have them all written out like this! lol But they are all things that must happen for me to survive lol I need to call about a few job possibilities too! Things must always be forever adding themselves to my to-do list lol Oh well, that is life! C'est La Vie!!

Tony went back to Iraq today :( I am so sad I only got to see him for a few hours last friday, that was not NEAR enough!! :( I miss him so much. I miss all the fun times and the serious ones. I miss that big brother of mine-though he may not technically be related to me, he might as well be!

I am also working on being more positive, I know I need to be. It is so hard. I feel like I am trying, but can't reach the top for some air. Idk what is wrong with me, but I want it fixed, and I believe at this point, only God can fix it! I am trusting in Him, but struggling, but trying oh so hard!

Goodnight all! Time to clean and such before I lay down to watch a movie and relax until work in about six hours!

BOOK REVIEW: 13 Little Blue Envelopes

2009-07-05T22:56:00.002-05:00

13 Little Blue Envelopes- Maureen Johnson

This was a truly fascinating book. In the beginning I must admit it is a bit boring, however the storyline quickly progresses and one feels herself being drawn to the characters and even rooting for them at times. I love this book for many reasons. It is extremely well-written and has a plot unlike any other I have ever read. A young girl who was highly attached to her struggling artist aunt is faced with a challenge when her aunt passes away. She receives specific instructions for a summer-long, life-changing journey around Europe in these 13 Little Blue Envelopes. She meets several interesting characters along the way, finds her true sense of self, and discovers a few family secrets as well. The story ends in a typical novelist way, meaning the reader is left to ponder and imagine what happens after the book ends.

I hurt all over

2009-07-05T03:32:00.003-05:00

Today, or rather since it is almost 4am, yesterday was interesting. I cannot really say it was jam-packed with fun, cause it certainly wasn't . I did see my two best friends though and that made me smile :)) It wasn't a bad day, just a long one with not a whole lot of fun action ya know what I mean? It is close to 4am and I have not been to bed yet, and surprise surprise, I do not plan to either! lol I have to get some cleaning done, then do some ab workouts, go jogging/walking at sunrise, wash some clothes in the mean time, and then shower and get ready for church at 8am. Church does not actually start till 830, but we have choir rehearsal at 8am, so I have to be there for that! I am really liking being back in choir, though it is certainly an adjustment for me.
After my long morning, I have an even longer day. I need to clean my car out before church, then after church, I need to run to walmart to return some items, return some clothes at various other places, and head to the gym for about an hour and a half or so. After all of that I finally get a nap, before heading to pick up some dinner and head to Danie's for a late dinner and our typical Sunday night of dinner and Army Wives and girl talk! Gotta love it!! :) I love spending time with my Danie:)
I guess I should finish this up and get some cleaning done. Goodnight/Good morning!!

Exhausted Beyond Belief

2009-07-03T23:51:00.002-05:00

I have had such an erratic sleep schedule the past week or so and it is finally creeping up on me and dragging me down. It is now close to midnight and I am babysitting and have been here since 5pm. I should get to leave in about a half hour. Thank goodness!! I really really do love babysitting and wish it was consistent enough to live off of, so I could just do this, nanny, and go to school in the fall and be able to support myself. Everything is looming over me these days and I just don't know what to do. I want to go to the Art Institute, but I am scared about the job prospects following my graduation. I am also about to be in a lot of debt. I wonder if I should just go to Motlow for free instead and maybe change my mind late? I really don't know. I need to get a response from God on this. I feel so conflicted.

And on top of feeling conflicted, I constantly feel gloomy and mad lately, and that is quite frankly pissing me off! I need to get happy again and be as normal as possible! I am sick and tired of being so sick and tired and pissed off all the time. I am sick of being so moody and crazy! I am now making yet another goal for the summer, and that is to make a conscious effort to be positive each day. Maybe I need to fake it till I make it. "Faking it, till I'm pseudo-making it." as the song says.

I am very impatient and skeptical, but I am trying to trust God for my answers.
Goodnight.

BOOK REVIEW: Look For Alaska

2009-07-01T08:33:00.002-05:00

Looking for Alaska-John Green

This was an absolutely wonderful book! I loved reading every minute of it!
The book takes place in central Alabama at a small, private school. Some kids are rich, and as we find out, some are far from that. Green has written the book from the perspective of the main character, Miles, or "Pudge" as he is ironically nicknamed. Miles comes from a respectable background, however he almost had no friends at his old school, so this new life is something completely odd to him. At "the Creek" he makes several close friends and together they experience many trials and triumphs.
When reading this book, one cannot help but to notice the complexities behind all of the main characters, and cannot help but to feel for them all. Together, these four friends experience the troubles of common teens, along with a few more extremes. This novel brings to light some of the many problems and experiences that teenagers experience every day in this country, and really, around the world.
When something devastating happens, the friends learn they must stick together and put aside previous trials in order to survive.
This book is truly marvelously written and is funny, enlightening, and intriguing. I recommend everyone read this book for simply the message of life and friendship it holds, but also for the many other aspects that one can find when delving deeper into the story.

2009-06-30T01:07:00.002-05:00

I just don't feel I have much energy to write at this point. I did not sleep well last night and I am not sleeping at all tonight. I have to be at my nanny job in five hours and then I can sleep a few hours. :)
Tomorrow/today, whatever, is going to be a long one. I will be operating on no sleep and the kids and I have errands to run. We are going to the library, gonna play in the water for a while, gotta get my tags renewed, gotta run to the bank, gotta do some reading time, and gotta go to Choir rehearsal at 630 and I will still have the kids. Gonna be such a lonnngggg day!
Somehow, with all this on my mind, I have to find a way to function and take care of the kids and find another job.
And, here it is 115 in the morning and I'm hungry! Grr!! I need to sleep, but its too late now, and I need to eat, but nothing sounds good.
I am in a really odd mood. I can't get out of it. I feel like I never truly laugh anymore, and that's sad. I miss the happy me that was always having fun. I miss true happiness. The situations I am dealing with are so very challenging, and while I am praying and believing everyday for clarity and peace, its still very hard to deal with it all.
In one situation, I cannot help but want to blame myself, though he assures me it is all his fault, but I should have been able to keep him happy. I know I sound crazy, but its all true. I can't help it. I can't help but feel this way. I miss him desperately.

Too tired for writing, but there's so much more to this story....

2009-06-29T01:57:00.002-05:00

Someone please explain how when something goes this wrong, one can still love another?
Someone please explain how when one find herself in such a confusing time, she can still find the courage and strength to smile?
Someone please explain why God chooses to tell us the one we love, without telling us when the right time will be?
Someone please explain why God is so clear but yet so confusing all at one time?

These are my questions tonight, as I lay awake here unable to truly rest. I have a very long day in the morning, full of errands and cleaning. I need to sleep, but he has my heart, and that hole keeps me awake at night. I cannot comprehend why God would allow a man to think this way and yet be so sad and devastated by his actions. I guess when that happens, those are true mistakes. The question at this point though, is will he make the right choice and want to be with me? God holds the ultimate plan, however, we do have free will.

Last Night Was A Bit Crazy

2009-06-27T12:33:00.002-05:00

Last night was a great night, albeit a bit crazy and a bit emotional. Tony did have a breakdown, but so did I-for two TOTALLY different reasons. His wife made me mad, tryin to tell me that I am never happy there and that maybe I should quit coming out there with everybody. I don't think so! I was a part of that family before she even moved here! I will not be forced away by her. I was not trying to get with her husband, but that doesnt even seem to be what she was worried about. I swear she needs to get more secure in her relationship with him and everyone else though. I got news for her, I am not gonna be treated the way she treats everyone. She is your best friend one minute, then talkin about you the next. Come on, she is 21, it's time to grow up! I am a very real person and I don't like fake people. If she just flat out hated me, and was only polite to me, then I could handle that. I really don't care. I have never done anything to her, and so I don't deserve it!

I cannot stand the way she treats him and the things she does to the rest of us. She needs to grow up and start acting like a grown woman. He deserves much more than her, and I can't stand seeing my "big brother" being affected the way he is. He kept telling me that I came first and all that and I can't stand hearing that cause she would flip out and I know he is hurting. He kept tellin me that I'm one of the few who actually talk to him while he is over there. That makes me so sad. God, I love him so much and I miss my big brother. I don't want to send him back! I know he will be home only three months or so after he goes back, but that is too long! I have been sad about him being gone, but have done pretty good at just keeping up with him and not thinking about it, but now seeing him face to face, I just can't block it out. I know God will bring him back to us safe and sound, but I just can't take it. I miss him so much. I miss the talks we used to have, and I can't even have those with him while he is here, cause he won't talk while she is around, and she pops up everytime we start talking. He needs a bit of space and time with family and close friends, and she is not secure enough apparently to give that to him. I don't know what she thinks of me, but she does not know me well if she thinks I care about him as more than a brother. He is my brother and we are family. That is where it ends and begins. I have been around longer than she has, and if anything was going to happen, it would have already happened with us. I just want to be able to sit and talk with him. It makes me sad to think I may not get the chance to really talk with him. And you know, she may not like it but his mom already told me I am family and I better be there the 4th of July with them, so I will be there. She can get over it. She really needs to come to terms with me being family, and get over it.

Well, today I need to get to the gym, get my eyebrows done, and then shower, run errands, and head to Smyrna to work the Fine Arts Fireworks Tent. Gotta make that money!! lol

Oh! And I now have a gym buddy two days a week now!! Woohoo!! She also nannies and so we're gonna take our kids places together too this summer!! :)

LONG DAY

2009-06-26T00:42:00.002-05:00

Today has been a very very long day.
I did go set up the fireworks tent for four hours and that was A LOT of work! And it was very hot! But that wasn't all bad. I had fun with some of the people there and it was all pretty relaxed, except Mr. Brian not trusting me with the knife lol oh well.
However, after that I then babysat tonight from 5-11. ugh. It would not have been so bad if I had been able to eat since 2pm today lol I could have dealt with the rowdy boys and ear infection plagued one year old with a smile, had I eaten lol Oh well.
The day is done. I believe I am hanging out with Alex tomorrow and then going to the amazing bonfire at Pa's with my favoritest Tony!! I am soo happy to get to see him!! woohoo!!

I am beat!
Goodnight!!

2009-06-25T00:40:00.002-05:00

SO........I am upset cause I realized I left my book I was almost done with at the kids' house that I nanny for. :( So now I have to wait until Tuesday to read it :( But, I know I will be finished with it by the end of the day :):) I can't wait to read it all!

Today was pretty good. I went and saw The Proposal with Danie and it was GREAT! lol I love those kind of movies. Although, I love lots of movies, as watching the previews proved haha I kept tellin Danie I wanted to see "that movie" each time a new preview came up lol oh well, what can I say, I love movies, but I rarely go pay to see them. : /

I think I am going to start a new book tonight. Once I finish these two, I promise I will get to my goal and post reviews for all three of them.

Tomorrow will be a busy, but good day. I have to be up at 830 to shower and then be at the Fireworks stand to set up by 10am. Then after that I need to run some errands-take clothes back, wax eyebrows, go to the bank, etc. Once my errands are done, it's off to the gym!! :) After I head to the gym I am coming home to clean this nasty house! It is gross! My room needs to be picked up and vacuumed, the livingroom and hallways need vacuumed, the kitchen needs swept and mopped, dishes need to be done, my bathroom needs to be completely cleaned top to bottom, and I need to do a bit of laundry too! Wooh! Gonna be a lot to do tomorrow evening, but that's ok, it will be well worth it to have a clean house and be able to relax. Friday I am gonna hit the gym, maybe grab lunch with a friend, but overall, just relax till I head out to Pa's for the Bonfire for Tony :):) I am sooo happy I chose to stay home from Cali and be here to see him!

I am really beginning to put my priorities in order and that is actually making me VERY happy! I like order, or at least organized chaos lol so it's a good thing to me to be able to finally put some things together in my life. I kinda have a plan now for the future, all I need now is to sign all the paperwork and get a new job!

As I write this, I am beginning to see the numerous things that need to be added to my to-do list lol I need to call several places about some jobs, put in some applications, and do all the other things I listed above! Gosh, gonna be a long day tomorrow! But again, WELL WORTH IT!!

I am so moody these days-more than normal. I wish my moods were more....stable. But they are just not, so I am just trying to cope with being so darn Bipolar. It is really frustrating to deal with being soo....idk what the word even is, but anyone who deals with me on a regular basis understands I am sure! lol

Ew!! looking at all this stuff in my room makes me ancy!! I have to clean tomorrow! I just have to! There's no getting out of it. This is driving me nuts!! I am such a bipolar freak sometimes about everything....lol

I think I may tackle cleaning out my trunk, scheduling my yard sale, and washing the outside of my car tomorrow too!! lol I am nuts to think all this will get done, but it needs to be done, so it shall go on my ever-growing list lol

OK. I need to go finish some laundry, read a bit, and head to bed. Long day ahead.

Goodnight!!

Another sick tummy night....

2009-06-23T23:46:00.002-05:00

I am sick to my tummy again. I haven't actually gotten sick, but I feel icky. I feel very icky. My stomach has been so crazy lately. I don't know what to think now. I mean, obviously, I know I am not pregnant, but sheeesh! This is getting annoying! If it is stress causing all these crazy symptoms, then I need them to go away so I can get a bit less stressed.

I am trying to trust God with all this, but it is just so hard. I feel like I am done talking. I don't know what else there is to say. I guess there really isn't. Why didn't anyone want to talk when the things happened so I would have them then? They all want to "be there" for me now, and want to talk to me, but I am just done talking. Nothing else I say can do anything anymore. I am just so done with being unhappy and sick or hurting all the time.

I also feel grief for the loss of a family friend's baby. She was expecting again, after loosing twins at less than four months, and she was so excited. Just as I get to the point where I feel I am trusting in the Lord, something else baffling happens. I JUST DONT GET IT!! These are loving people who care for their children and love the Lord. How can He do this to them?? I mean, honestly, if more children just aren't in God's will, then why allow to get pregnant TWICE so quickly?? She was just recovering emotionally and physically from the loss of the twins, and now this. Like seriously, I dont' get why they must suffer more like this!!

Needless to say, besides my stomach being all weird, everything with my own life, that of my dad's health, and the situation with the army boy, I am irritated with God. I love God and believe in Him, but I am just flat out frustrated and just need some answers!

I can no longer think to write tonight....bed time here I come!

Long Days

2009-06-22T18:26:00.002-05:00

I leave for California in a day and a half- I am not packed yet. People say, "Awe, that's ok you can do it tomorrow," however I have not even gotten the suitcases down out of the hall closet yet. I also have to nanny tomorrow all day from 630am till 8pm. I am wayyy behind on packing, but I just don't feel like doing it. I have no energy to do it. It is a lot of work to do, but I will just have to do it all tomorrow night. I don't like the idea that I will be doing it tomorrow at 9pm when I have to leave the house at 9am but, I can sleep on the 5hr flight as well. It won't be so bad I guess.

I had a good time visiting with my dad, though my little brother is having some behavior issues. That is way too long of a story to explain on here.

I am so confused and tired and just stressed today. But that is everyday I guess, so why have I not learned to deal with it?

Happy Father's Day!!

2009-06-21T06:38:00.002-05:00

It is 645am and I have not been to bed yet. It is going to be a looonnnggg Father's Day. Hmmm

I am gonna finish getting ready for church, then pack an overnight bag for Dad's, grab a bite to eat, head to church to sing, then head to see my Daddy! It is going to be a hot day and a really boring drive. At not even 7am it is already 80 degrees outside...ugh!!

I hope Daddy is surprised by me coming. I hope today goes well. I seem to be in a good mood, or at least an okay, hopeful mood, which is a lot as it is.

The review on the book I just finished is coming. I will probably wait another day or so and post it and the current book I am reading's review. This book I started only a few hours ago, but have made it about half way through already, is amazing!!

Off to church and such I go. It feels good to be back singing again. :):)

I accomplished nothing today...but everything at the same time....

2009-06-21T01:43:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 1pm today feeling worthless and as if I had not accomplished anything at all. And, truthfully, I have not accomplished anything on my list today, other than workout at the gym and swim with Danie. I am okay with that now though. I am learning to relax. I will have to pack completely on Monday, which I was hoping to avoid, however, c'est la vie. That is life. Things are not in my control and God is truly showing me that.

I truly believe God has a plan for me. And back to the Jeremiah scripture, I know His plans are not to harm me, but to prosper me. I must learn to relinquish control unto Him. I am convince the war has affected this person I truly care/cared for. It is so scary to know the war has scarred him so severely. I hate the situation I am in with him. I want so badly for him to be okay, and that mean okay without me if that is God's plan. I can't take the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario we seem to be in. He truly seems to have two completely different personalities. I am consumed with the thoughts of him and how he hurt me and how he did all that with her while with me. I have not yet gotten past that, but I know someday I will move on.

I know this is a hard situation for my friends to relate to, but it infuriates me to no end when no one gets it to be there for me. I am beginning to think now that this whole situation is God's way of saying "there! you should have been closer to me, and this wouldn't have happened." I almost feel as if God is punishing me and putting me in a situation in which I have truly hit rock bottom and have no choice but to rely on Him. I know I should be very close to God, much closer than I currently am, however I am truly just broken. I cannot pick up the pieces on my own, I need His help. Only He can provide the help I need in these hours. I will not be getting any sleep tonight and that pains me, but I guess that is my own fault anyways. I want so badly to sleep, but I know I will not get up on time for church and then drive to Bama. Plus, I am pretty sure those thoughts will flood me again, as they often do now. These thoughts and images of everything that has happened consume my mind and do not let me sleep.

Today, was a pretty good day overall, even with not accomplishing much. I went to swim with Danie, then we both needed to go to Walmart, so we decided to up and go. While there I was texting Alex and he decided to show up. That was fun. We all stood there talking for like two hours. I really am glad he is back in my life as my friend. Facebook truly is a blessing and is reunitintg me with so many friends and family of the past.

I need to go read and actually post my next book review, which I failed to do last night : /
Tonight, I am starting reading "Don't Let Go"- David W. Pierce. I think this will be an amazing book and I am excited to read Chonda's husband's book.

Tomorrow, or techinically, Today, I will be heading to church to sing in the choir for the first time in a very long time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am bound and determined to rededicate myself to singing and praising God as I used to do. I am bombarded by things I want to do, things I need to do, and the general stresses of life. I have so much on my mind, and its driving me crazy, but I KNOW somehow I will survive and thrive. I love God, and He loves me, so why should I be afraid? I am in no way saying things are all okay, because they are far from being okay. I still worry about my Dad in sooo many ways, the situation of me moving out and working is so messed up, I am still not talking with Jaime right now, and I am still so hurt by this whole situation with him. However, somehow I am now trusting in God that I will make it through all of this and somehow come out stronger than ever.

*Goodnight All*

Maybe this works...sorry the thing is messed up!!

2009-06-19T22:44:00.001-05:00

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually.
I know I will.Other people have made it through much worse things
 and so I can make it through this rough time I am having. I know it's
truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!

How To Deal Today??

2009-06-19T22:03:00.003-05:00

"Not As We"- Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaken hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Gun-shy and quivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open freight
If God is taking bias,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as "I"
And not as "we"

This song is my life now. I am not okay yet. I will be eventually. I know I will.
Other people have made it through much worse things and so I can make it 
through this rough time I am having. I know it's truly much more than a "rough time",
but I have to focus on the getting better aspect. No, I am not very positive right
now. But, yes, I am faith-filled and believing for a better day. I truly did "give
it to God" Wednesday night at Gravity-the College Group at church. I am confident 
that God will take care of me and even as important, send those to take care of me
when needed. I know there is a man out there for me. In some way, I still feel he is 
the one, but I can't look at it that way anymore. I am truly crazy, or God really 
did put him in my life for a reason. I trust God knows what he is doing.

However, I also know it is time for me to take charge of my life and really 
begin to be happy. I have not been truly joyous in quite a while, but now the time
has come in which I must change things for the better. I have to take things day by 
day and learn to live for myself. It is time for me. I cannot begin to tell you 
the way this songs speaks to me. I can only say, review the lyrics carefully
and interpret it for yourself. This time is hard. It is not easy and is not 
expected to be easy. I will prevail. "I Refuse" to give up. Man, I cannot wait
for that tattoo! That time will be here before I know it. That will be a fun day,
but a hard one all at once. 

Keep looking to the next post for my new book review. That is two books down, 28 to 
go till I hit my goal for the summer. I need to get crackin' on that next one. I have
a whole shelf of books to choose from, so tonight after I review, I will be starting
my next one.

These next few days will be quite hectic. Tomorrow I need to pack a bag for dad's and
begin to pack a bag for California. I also need to return clothes, layout clothes for
church on Sunday, and finish all my laundry. Then, Sunday I have to be at church at 
8am to sing in the choir first service and then immediately after service I am 
going to head to see Daddy-he doesn't know I am coming down, or at least, I am told 
he does not know. I hope he will be surprised. Katie and I are cookin' for him for
Father's Day when I get there. Then, Monday, I am having breakfast with my cousin 
Haley and then headin' back to the boro. On the way home though, I am stopping in 
Nashville at the Art Institute to work on Financial Aide stuff :):). Then I am 
coming home to unpack from dad's and finish packing for Cali. Then it will be an 
early bed time for this Southern gal, cause I nanny early Tuesday morning and all 
day. Then I will be hitting the gym for a while after nannying and then home to pack.
Wednesday, I need to shower, make sure I have everything in the car for Cali, get my 
emissions testing done, and then head to the school by 10am to leave for Cali. I am 
very excited for this trip!! I am a bit nervous about the swimsuit part, but oh well.
If they don't like what they see, they can look away!! HAHA!! :):) 

So, as you can see, I have lots to do these next few days. I should be able to update
my blog while in Cali, though not entirely sure. I will bring my laptop and we shall
see! Well, this is it for now. Need to shower, write my book review blog, put laundry
away, catch up on some reading, and then head to beddybye!! lol

Goodnight!!

My "Me Time"

2009-06-16T01:37:00.002-05:00

Today was: Ok, then GREAT, then GOOD.

I was at my friends' house just a bit ago and well somethings kinda happened and so I went home. I am kinda happy to be home though honestly.

I am proud of taking the time to go shopping and get things done for me. I also paid for my Fine Arts trip by MYSELF today :)
At first, I wasn't so thrilled when noone was able to go shopping with me, but then while I was out, I discovered I loved it! Noone was pressuring me to try things on and this and that. It was a nice, relaxing day. I got lots of cute clothes, some jewelry, a fabulous pair of pink heels:), a zebra bathing suit :):), and a really nice pair of running shoes. I am very excited! I haven't had the opportunity to take some time for me in a while, and I am soooo glad I did.

I also got Dad's Father's Day present and glad I found somethings. I need to go down and see him this weekend, but I also need money, so I need to be available to work as well. That's a hard decision to make.

Well, here it is 145am and I am still awake. GRR

Tomorrow will be busy and so will Wednesday and Thursday...Tomorrow I am taking Jaime to the Art Institute for her interview with Robin, the Director, and also to write my essay I need to turn in for them. Then after I take her home, I have to go to the gym to meet with my trainer again, then grab a bite to eat and straight to Choir practice. Wednesday and Thursday I have the kids two full days. Then, Friday, hopefully I will have an interview for a babysitting job, and also go to turn in the application at Maurices. Before Friday though, I am calling the rehab place about the cook position and then Santa Fe about the Hostess job. I will also see if they are hiring Waitresses since I need to start around my eighteenth bday anyways. This weekend I will hopefully see Dad a few days, and I sing in choir sunday morning. Monday is packing and possibly nannying, and definitely nannying Tuesday and then last minute packing, cause Wednesday I leave for CALI!! :) I am very excited, although, nervous about the way I look in a swim suit.

I'm out for tonight.

Sleepless in the Boro

2009-06-13T03:06:00.002-05:00

I am up at 3am when I have to be up and at my nanny job in three short hours. Someone tell me why I choose to babysit till 2am, all the while knowing, I have to nanny early this Saturday morning. I don't get why I do this to myself so often.

Now I am listening to some old choir music I used to sing. I love this music, I really do. I have a thing for gospel, choir music.

Today has been hard. It's been rough. I don't know what to think, what to do, or what to say. I really just don't know how I feel. I want to be so mad I can't stand it. And, last night, I was. Now, I am just living. Moment to moment. I don't know what else to do. I am not playing the poor pittiful me bit, I am just being honest. I am hurt and yet I love and despise two people. Both emotions for both people. How is that possible? How can I feel so strongly and so contrastingly for both people? After everything, I FINALLY thought she and I were being honest and open. I have been wary of him for a while now, because, well frankly, he hasn't given me much to be excited about. I miss my friend I had in him. I miss those talks for hours. Why did things have to get complicated? I didn't rush feelings, and really neither did he. What I don't understand is why God allowed and created such feelings within us both if now is not the timing?? I truly know in my heart that he is The One. I don't know how to get that into people's heads, and quite honestly I have quit trying. I also do not get why she has been so forthcoming and honest and helpful lately, yet has left this "little" thing to herself!?!?! I don't know if its a case where he simply acted as though he was going along with it or what, but I just can't get over it.

And as much as I want to say that she does not intimidate me or make me feel small, I can't. I constantly feel like I am competing with her. While he was home he went out with her on my PROM night and yet had told me that things changed at the last minute. He apologized forever after that for that night, but I can't help but wonder. I don't know what the deal is. I do know that I feel small compared to her. I don't even think she means to do it, but she hogs EVERYONE. She seems to think that everyone must be exclusive to her, yet she does not feel like she should have to be exclusive to anyone else. You just can't live your life that way. It's not healthy. I cannot believe she is lying to me again!! I just can't keep doing this. I love him. I love her. But I despise them both right now! I don't honestly know if I can remain friends with her. It has always been one thing after another and I just cannot handle this!! WHY!?!?

Good night all. Or rather good mornin'.

Disorganization Creates Chaos

2009-06-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

Ah....I have been slacking again and not keeping up with my blog goal...grr!!

Well, today is a pretty lazy day for me. I don't have a lot to do. I will be hitting the gym soon, then gonna grab a shower and go eat with Danielle lol I feel guilty about going to eat as soon as I am done working out, but I have read that it is the best time to eat actually, due to the metabolism being spiked.

Last night was a good night at church. The Gravity services are still taking some getting used to, but I really like the atmosphere. It's not like normal church, but has a lot of the same elements. I really like it, just gotta get used to the change I guess. I am also adding a few more things to my summer to do list. After church last night we had a Fine Arts meeting and I volunteered myself as Fundraising Coordinator. Gotta love how my perfectionist personality loves to take over lol

I am going to leave this one short and reorganize a bit and get some cleaning done before I head to the gym. I know for me, its completely necessary for me to be organized. If I am not organized in every aspect physically, I will be unorganized in every mental aspect. Not being organized creates chaos.

Like A Kick In the Stomach...I wanted to puke

2009-06-09T00:17:00.003-05:00

So yeah today was odd. No, more than odd. Odd doesn't really fit today....

Today I experienced so many emotions, and I didn't quite know how to handle them properly.

So, let's begin:
I fought and fought and fought and fought to get mom up and ready and willing to go hear the people from the Art Institute. What she didn't know was that this was also my acceptance interview, so it was a bit crucial to whether or not I got in. So....yeah! That was an interesting morning. By some miracle, we managed to get to the appointment on time and in one piece. And well mom wasn't completely thrilled, but did let me apply. Then! There was the interview portion...dun dun dun!! THE LADY LOVED ME!! I was so so so so unsure of how this thing was going to go. At an Arts school, especially one so nationally known such as this one, they do not look at grades and test scores for admissions, they look at YOU!! Which turned out to be a very good thing for me. Now, test scores and grades come into play with financial aide, which is a whole OTHER story that I refuse to deal with today. But, the meaning of all this mess is to say that she loved me and we spent three hours with her today!! =) Very exciting, considering, when we sat down she said look, you either spend hours with me if I like you, or you spend 20 minutes with me if I don't think you fit in here. Soooo....I guess that's good!! =) man! I do know how to sell myself haha!! =)

Now, here is where we get into the odd part of my day. I get to the gym-yoga was CANCELLED!! GRR But, I did go to the ball game I was going to miss, and I got to see Bug play, which made her smile and me very happy to go. However!! Someone's mom decided to start talkin about how their daughter and a certain someone should be together. The mom began to plan a wedding and talk about how these two would make cute babies and such! This mom knows me, however, it must have slipped her mind that I am kinda sorta whatever with this other person she was talkin about being soooo right for her daughter! Now, her daughter, being tohe best friend she is to me, was very upset. She kept tryin to shush her mother and her mom's friend, yet they were not getting the message. Finally, she just sent her a text, meanwhile we are all sitting together on the bleachers, so needless to say, the chatter amongst her mom and her friend when they recieved the text, was very awkwardly obviously about me!! Grr!! I appreciate her trying to shush her mom, but well, it didn't do much. Wow, that was interesting!! As soon as all the talk about these two and weddings and babies came up, I had that sinking feeling like I wanted to puke! My lovely best friend noticed too, bless her heart!! I love her, I really do. She knows the feelings are there, and she is finally taking them into consideration. Plus, unlike most people, she is really there for me. Things are definitely looking up with this friendship.

The words, North Carolina, still petrify me. I don't know whether or not he will take it. But, this opportunity seems to finally understand his main hesitation in making things official. Which, really makes sense, considering we would be so far apart. I honestly don't think I would follow if asked. I can't now. I have made another choice now. I cannot change that. He does not know the choice I have made. He doesn't know anything about anything about me lately. He asks, I just say things are fine. I don't give much description anymore. He is giving more description than I am. That is sad I know. I don't know how to really tell him any of this anymore. I know he would listen, and he is one of my biggest chearleaders when it comes to my decisions but, I just, I don't know. I feel so connected, yet so disconnected to him lately. But really, I feel that way with everyone lately too, not just him.

God is the only one who knows how things will pan out. I have to trust in the knowledge that He will guide me. I know this school is where I am supposed to be. I know that he is The One. I know I am meant to be a mommy, a writer, a photographer, a mentor, a friend, a wife, a partner, a daughter, a best friend, a sister, a guide, a help to change things, and so much more. But, God is the only one who knows how. I know what, He knows how. For I must remember the jeremiah scripture in which He knows the plans he has for me.

It is now nearly 3am. I have to be at the kids' house to nanny in just over three hours. Yikes! I needed to sleep but, I was out too late and so it was pointless to try once I got home. I am finding this odd sleep pattern is one I commit to all too frequently, and so I really need to get out of the habit.

Now, this is all for now. I am too tired to write more. Maybe I will post a second entry today while the kids are playing. Today is slip-n-slide day and library day :D lol They love activities and these are pretty darn easy for me to commit too lol plus, i get time to myself as well. Gotta all some places about some jobs today too while they play :)

Today shall prove to be interesting I do believe....

Raging Anger

2009-06-08T00:13:00.002-05:00

I am so absolutely sick of being pushed down!! Why can't people just be freakin' happy for me and believe in me!!?!? I know some people truly mean the best, and some think they mean the best, but really, just humor me and trust me PLEASE!! Don't force someone to emotionally and sometimes physically raise themselves, then put them down and say their dreams aren't possible! i am soooooo over this! I do so good then something screws it up!! UGH!!

I am so so so so so so so so so so so tempted to just up and move away. I am serious. If I had just a bit more money, I would do just that. Just leave. I am so sick of being around negativity and small, hurt minds. Just because others around me failed at accomplishing their dreams and give into illness and such does NOT mean that I will fail. I REFUSE to fail!! Do you hear me?? I REFUSE TO FAIL!! I am not giving up!!

And wow, I talked to him today, and while it was nice and lasted a while, like it used to, I am finding it so hard to talk to him. That sounds horrible, I know. But there's no nice way to put it. I feel like people think I am crazy for what I know is the truth from God, but idk what else to do. I am at my limit. Today he revealed to me where this unknown opportunity will take him and its not too terrible far from here, but it is super far away from where I want to be! I just don't understand anything right now. I knew God was telling me, its right, its true-just not right now, but wow. I had hoped so hard that this wasn't going to have to end up being one of those "we met, moved away for years, then eventually reunited" stories!! Idk, God knows I am capable of all this, but I don't feel capable at all! I wish she only knew the hell this is for me. I am so done with the negativity and really don't need it right now! I feel like all I do is exude nagativity, and that is awful. I want to be full of joy and happiness, and while I am happy for moments at a time, I find I am more than unhappy right now. I need something, I have no idea what, but I need something. I wish I could have him, but that doesn't seem like it's going to be possible. So, what? Now are things going to be tough and miserable for a long time, and then we eventually reunite?

He wants out of TN and so do I. But, even if asked, I don't believe I will follow. Not unless I have those two rings on my finger. I won't take that risk unless its for sure. Yes, I am aware that marriage isn't always a guarantee, but, its better than nothing. I don't have a level of trust or insanity to go to another state for another person. I just couldn't do it. I wish he would tell me what he would be doing or something, but in all reality, I can't expect complete openness, cause, well, I have not been completely open with him. I haven't told him about the stroke-headaches, or the moving plans, or anything much really lately. eh.

Eh. I should get to reading my second book. No, actually I should get to bed, but i don't see that happening right now. Ok, I really can't write anymore. I just can't keep thinking.

**NIGHT**

I love good girl talks....

2009-06-06T00:54:00.000-05:00

Here I am again....ANOTHER late, sleepless night. At this point I am running on barely three hours of sleep in the past two days and goin' into day three. What is with my sleeping habits?! I am not thrilled by this in the least. I am happy though, that Rebecca has been on to talk to, despite my internet issues today :)

Rebecca and I really seem to have a friendship that feels like I have known her forever. I am pretty sure this is a God thing. I don't know how else to explain meeting your cousin's wife for the first time six months ago at Christmas, and since then kept in touch over Facebook, which then led to phone calls, IM, and eventually her coming up for my Graduation. Hmm....anyone else have another idea that explains it better? Didn't think so lol

I know one thing. I HAVE to get my booty up and go to Zumba at ten in the morning. NO excuses this time! I am going tomorrow!! I am actually really excited to start going regularly.

Ok...headache is gettin bad and my wrist hurts too bad to keep typing. More later folks....

To follow Jesse's advice??

2009-06-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

So, I am pretty awful at the whole blog daily commitment I declared. Oh well. Just gonna ease up on myself for that one....

Today was a GREAT day :)
I talked to Tony on oovoo :):)
I had a FABULOUS lunch at Panera with my favorite Lindsey!
Linds and I got some great stuff for Raymond for his box...still weird to call him that....oh well
Gonna write another letter to him and put these in the mail :)
Had fun gettin lost with Linds today :P
Had a great time bowlin, walkin around Walmart, eatin late night Arby's, and talkin for HOURS with my Danie :) I love how we talk about EV_ERY_THING!! lol

I am excited for Zumba class in 7 hours and then personal training in the afternoon. I am gonna be sooooo sore, but it is sooo worth it...I am also thinkin about doing some YogaBootyBallet dvd workout tonight too...hmmm??
I am so excited for tomorrow. Gonna work my butt off and hopefully this tummy too at the gym, but the result will be sooo worth it....
I am also going to the YMCA and other places and turning in more applications and calling Adam's Place about my application so I can get a job squared away. I hope to have one ready to start the second week of August after Fine Arts before I leave for Cali the 24th!

Tony comes home for R&R on the 20th I believe and Stacey is coming to visit on the 19th so I am super excited! :)
June has certainly turned out to be a busy learning month for me! I am loving it though. Don't get me wrong, this is still hard for me. I am at a point where I really don't have much control over my life and I am in a difficult relationship right now, but I am learning to truly accept life and trust God won't lead me astray...which, I admit, is not easy...but im tryin'

I am making many big changes and making some scary leaps of faith, but it will all happen. I am pessimistic, with some positivity mixed in there somewhere. Not so sure that entirely makes sense, but it works lol

Ok...now to go clean up this room of mine, my bathroom, finish off some laundry, do a quick workout, and clean out my car before I shower and then head out for the day...wish me luck :)

Im falling

2009-06-02T23:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I am really failing at this whole blog everyday goal. I am trying to beat myself up over it but I find I am not doing too good at easing up on being so harsh on myself.

So...I will blog a long one to make up for the not-written ones.....

First,
Here is the first review of my first book completed for the summer...29 books left to go....any suggestions??

Headlong, by: Kathe Koja

This book was extremely interesting. Although it seems to be written in a youthful style that I feel myself growing out of, it was a great book on the changes a girl goes through when truly finding herself. I found it odd that the main character is so young to be making these vast personality and life changes, seeing that she is only said to be in the 10th grade. However, I also understand that many changes are made during that sophomore year. I love the central idea of this novel and I feel it shows true, dynamic emotion. It is written in a way that is intriguing, emotional, and gripping. I think this book is good for all high school ages.

OK, so that was a pretty mediocre review, but I don't have much in me for this first one. They will get better I'm sure.

And, about today and yesterday. I did not blog yesterday due to extreme pain in my stomach and lack of sleep. I took meds after I was home from nannying and was asleep by like ten thirty, though, in the bed much earlier. I love my nanny job but I NEED something else too. I am not broke by any means right now but I do need another job so I can afford to survive after the news I received a week or so ago. It sucks, its hard, its unfair, she's my mother, this shouldn't be happening, but, its life. I have to suck it up, quite playing the pity card and grow up. Yes, my life has been pretty rough all along, but I can't honestly expect it to get any easier. No, I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but, I am simply being realistic.

But, anyways.....
So, today was a pretty ok day.
I got called babe again...FINALLY =)
I miss him soo much!! And Dad called to inform me that Uncle Steve and Aunt Renai want me to just up and leave and come stay in Colorado for a while! What?! I wish Dad knew the whole story so he could see why I really can't afford to just up and go do all that I want to do. I swear, I have so many opportunities to visit soo many places this summer, but I dont have the money to take the time off from the job search and nannying and just go. I would love to go see everyone, crash on couches (lol), and truly experience my summer, but that's just not happening. I do hope I get to go camping and some other small adventures this summer. Those would be nice =) I am so ready to do all I have never done before. Well, maybe not ALL lol but a lot of what I have not done before. I am intrigued by this new life and this new me, but also frightened. Too many unknowns!!

Please pray that I will find a good job with benefits SOON. I know things are in God's time, but I am not holding faith that well right now. I can quote scripture and I know all the things to say and believe, but I am having such a hard time right now. I am trying to remain positive, because I truly believe my negativity is holding me back , but it is so hard.

Goodnight

Today...Today, I'm Ready

2009-05-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

Today I am ready.
I am ready for the change that is coming. Gosh, I am having a really hard time with things right now. I am functioning on little sleep, so this will be short. We drove home from Bama today and I am glad to be back. I love visiting there, but could never live there. It's just too small for me. But, I did see the house I want my dream home to look like. :)
Today has been rough though. I feel like I'm in a fog that I can't get out of. I got up, got ready, went to the mall, drove home, and have been online and laying around~all in a fog. I can't function this way. I need out of this state, but idk how to get there. I love him. I know this is all sincere, so I need to figure it out and move on and grow up. I need to take my leap of faith. I will take it soon. I will. It is just taking time.

Ok...I can't write anymore. I need sleep. Goodnight
************

Bama

2009-05-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

Wow. Well the trip to Alabama was certainly an interesting. I tried so hard not to think, to just enjoy my time there and was actually partially successful...But it wasn't easy. Austin had a raging fever that went from 101-104 while we were there. Poor baby. He was still his typical little jerk self but I am truly hoping that one day that will change. I am exhausted today, because I had to get up at 7am when I hadn't fallen asleep till 1-2am to watch out for Keegan while they took Austin BACK to the ER again for the third time in three days. I swear doctors are morons because they sent him home without any medication or anything, saying he will just be "ok". I would love to know their definition of ok because when I see that baby boy burning up and miserable and we can't do anything about it, I DO NOT consider that ok. Anyways, he seems to be doing better now, let's pray he keeps improving. Yesterday, Alisa and I managed to get out and go to Point Mallard. Despite the cold, well 65-70 degrees, we had a lot of fun! :) We did all the slides, the wave pool several times, and laid out on the beach area. I hope she enjoyed the trip. Dad was a bit testy due to not having a job, being trapped in the house thanks to that, and Austin being sick has kept them inside as well. My dad just can't stand not being busy. I am the same way, but can also enjoy a break from time to time. His break has just been too long. Well, that about sums up Alabama. I can't really think of much else to say.

It's Time to Play Catch Up....

2009-05-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

So now there will be three new posts to update from my absence. I will write this one to update and explain. The next one to update on my brothers, Bama, and all that concerns that trip, and then the the third one will be about today. In some way, this will catch me up on not blogging daily the past few days....

So....about today.....

2009-05-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Wow today was very interesting. I picked up Haley Bug from school then met Danielle at work to eat lunch with her. It was a good girlie lunch :)
Then, I got home and ACTUALLY heard from him today :) I also had a reply from his sister from where I had sent a message to try and work things out. I didn't want her hating me, even if he and I are not official right now.
I also had the chance to have a good, long chat with a GREAT guy friend of mine, who helped me through a lot of things. Wow! He and I have always been friends and I consider him a brother, but I think I had really forgotten just what he and all my close guy friends mean to me! Now, only if I had gotten to talk to Tony today-that would have been icing on the cake! Looks like its time to send that boy an email!
Gosh! I miss my soldiers :( BAD:(
Come home safe boys!!
I have gotten most all of their addresses now and will be using the next few days to write their letters and gather their items for their boxes. I may not have much money, but it's time to send off some appreciation!! I love them all sooo much and they need to know that, and I'm sure they do, but I want to reinforce that!
So...I kinda feel bad for not going to the gym today, but I have worked out daily for like five days straight and have been eating pretty decently, so I figure, with as sore as I am, it's ok to take a break today. I am also going to take Friday off. I will hit the gym sat night for Zumba too, so its not like I'm slacking a whole lot. Friday will be spent at the water park, so I will NOT be being lazy then either. Plus we're takin the bikes to the trails Saturday I think so...DEFINITELY NOT being lazy, just getting outside some too :) Its pretty weather right now and I want to enjoy it while I can! Plus, I want to enjoy some family and friend time :)
This weekend should be fun!! I am going to yoga class tomorrow then packing for Bama! I have to pick Alisa up at 1230 then we are heading out! I am excited to take her to my home town. Should be a fun girls' weekend :) Filled with lots of pics, the water park, Austin's last ball game, yummy dinners, lonnnggg meaningful talks with Dad and Katie, and seein old friends and family I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait! :) Plus its a surprise to everyone in Bama except Haley and Katie. Katie made a big deal of dissappointing the boys and tellin them their sis won't be there...haha...won't they be surprised! lol We are so mean...oh well :P
I am going to try to enjoy this time and take a break from thinking so darn much, although I know Dad will push the talking thing....oh well. Maybe its needed....
Tonight was rough, but special. Tonight was the last Wednesday night in youth, the last night with Kenny as pastor, the last Wednesday they will attend the church, and the Senior Pass the Torch Ceremony....I think everyone noticed the tears in my eyes when I gave my torch to Michael. That was very special to me, because I know I let him down, but I wanted him to know how much he means to me and that I want him to carry on what I did not. I love God, but I know that I was not the Christian I should/could have been these past months-close to a year, really. But, I do not regret any of it. I made some amazing friends, even though, prolly not through ways most adults or the Church would have wanted me to. Oh well. The past is the past. I am truly beginning to live by that statement. I hope my Michael knows the light he really is :) He was so shocked when I gave him my torch, and even more shocked when he got TWO tonight. He was the only one who recieved two torches :) He is an awesome and amazing friend, and I would not trade him for the world. I said a few things to the youth tonight and I hope they caught my sincerity. When I sat down on stage after I spoke, Brantley noticed my tears and said that he could tell it was all very heart-felt. I hope they all noticed that-not that I hope they noticed so I would be remembered or anything, but so that I may make a difference. There is so much I would like to say to the youth. I wish there was some way to deliver this message I have in my head to them. I really don't like public speaking that much, but I would like to deliver this to them at some point...hmmm, maybe I will talk to Hooper about that soon. Who knows....one thing at a time, Brady. Things will come, just gotta finish some other things up first before I try for that. I am learning to embrace change. I am not always happy with the change, but who is, really?
Yeah today was monumental. I also cried tonight at the thought of no longer seeing Kenny and Julie and now, baby Kate. I guess its not for good, but it certainly feels like it. They have been around since I began attending FWC. In fact, Julie was the first person I ever met in all the confusion of a Wednesday night at FWC. Mom dragged me to this church and I was not happy. I missed GA and our church there and my life there and my best friend. But Julie embraced me and she, Kenny, and Pastor Tommy, all welcomed me with open arms. I have now witnessed them doing the same for so many other kids. I have heard the stories..."If it had not been for them...." and I know where those kids come from; I know what that love and sense of family means. I hope these kids in youth now will help Hooper, learn from him, and welcome the new permanent Youth Pastor in the Fall. Change is hard, but I hope they are not distracted from the love and Will of God.
Ok...yoga, packing, and a three hour drive tomorrow, along with a long night...so its bedtime for this Southern girl now :P

**Good night**

I Refuse

2009-05-26T15:48:00.000-05:00

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You could stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground
Won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground.
And I won't back down.

Well I know what's right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground.
And I won't back down.

Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I won't back down
Hey, baby. There ain't no easy way out.
Hey yeah, I will stand my ground

And I won't back down.

..................

It's my time to move on. As this post titles, my life motto is "I Refuse." So much so, that I am planning to have it tattooed on the inside of my left wrist-despite the "career concerns" of those around me. I see it as my true way to live and I want it there as my constant reminder. With that on my wrist I can't cook, wash my hands, do my hair, drive, get dressed, shower, nothing.....without seeing it every time. That's a major thing to see everyday, but it's exactly how I plan to live my life and if those around me don't understand or get it, oh well. I know what the meaning behind it is, and so should they, if they know anything about my past.

Today has been a life-changing day, and really it wasn't that eventful or anything, actually kinda icky this morning, but eh, oh well. I had an MRI with contrast dye done today to see what is up with these stroke-migraines...that was not awful, but not pleasant by any means either. We shall see what the dr's say about this test, for now we wait.

But today really was a day of change for me. I can't describe what did it exactly, I think I have just had enough time thinking. I have had two weeks out of high school now and that has been enough and actually more than enough time to think and soul search. There is only so much solitude and time for thinking that one needs before one goes insane! :) It's been nice to gather my thoughts, but enough is enough. I have thought and thought and pondered and wondered, so now it is time to ACT. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, however, without that first initiation of action, NOTHING will happen. And I cannot, will not, and REFUSE to settle for that nothingness.

I have amazing friends-a few-and a great support system. Things are not easy and I am not in some fantasy world now where I think things are candy and roses. The one I love is still in Iraq until at least October/November, those "brothers" of mine that I cherish so much are still fighting that same war too, family issues are still rough, I still do not have a second job, and I am still not feeling well, and I still have not gotten registered for fall classes, yet, things ARE changing. I cannot always see what God has planned, yet HE promises...."For I know the plans I have for you, DECLARES the Lord, plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope"....Jeremiah 29:11......

Those around me may choose to accept defeat and let life's eternal question of "why?" bring them down, but.......ME?

I REFUSE!!

2009-05-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

So....today was interesting. I can't stop thinking about everything. I try to just shut off my mind and enjoy summer but that seems entirely impossible. I walked nearly 11 MILES with Krista today. We had a good girl talk about life and college and such. I think we are gonna start an official Sunday Greenway Walk and meet each week. That will be good. I'm surprisingly not sore. Kinda feelin strange right now, but oh well. Hopefully the MRI on Tuesday will help find out why..... I also started another goal yesterday which was to workout at the gym. I hit the gym for two hours last night and loved every minute of it. Again, somehow I am not sore. I guess I am in better shape than I thought. However, I am struggling with some extreme hunger with nothing healthy sounding remotely apetizing. Danie and I got some errands accomplished the other day which has helped with me feeling caught up, but I still have 7/11 loads of laundry to finish! EEKS!!

I guess I will make this post short and find something to eat and finish some laundry...lalalala

2009-05-23T09:43:00.000-05:00

So, today is the day. Today, I will begin the first of many adventures involving this blog. I don't know how many will end up following, reading, criticizing, and/or viewing, but in the end this is more a personal outlet than anything. It will be awesome if people begin noticing the things posted here, but its not mandatory.

Here is what I will post about on this blog:
-My summer goals and how they are panning out
-My fall goals and how that works out
-The wonderful boys over seas that I am so connected to and the trials that come of that
-My goal is to read 30 books and review them, so periodically that will be on here
-Daily briefings on life
-Ups and downs of dealing with Bipolar disorder
-My goal of loosing weight and how that journey is going

So, I guess I can go ahead and list my summer goals and get a head start on them:
-blog daily
-connect with other bloggers
-begin a journal and journal daily
-read, criticize, and post about 30 books(fiction and non-fiction)
-loose 20 pounds and get toned
-finally be at and maintain a healthy weight
-find a new, well-paying job
-travel to California
-travel to see my best friend since 2nd grade-Christina
-have a "Me Day" once every two weeks
-catch up with old friends and truly make a connection
-register for classes at Motlow
-make a "Moving Out" list
-move into new apartment
-hold yard sale
-try belly dancing classes
-sell books back to Hastings
-enter a photo contest
-try at least 6 new things
-have another photo shoot
-take more pictures
-write creatively, daily
-get new phone and contract in June
-make 10 new pieces of jewelry

So...that's about it for today....we shall see what the future holds for this blog....